Maybe the teacher’s approach was a little callous, but her heart was probably in the right place. What she should have offered were words of encouragement first and then some suggestions for ways to help both of you transition from your day activities to your evening routine. She didn’t need to be insulting.

Are there things you can do to relieve the stress of the commute? What about listening to kid books on CD? It’s not exactly the same as reading to your daughter, but it’s the next best thing and maybe that would be something for her to look forward to as you walk toward the car. Can you throw dinner in the crock pot the night before? You can’t do that every night, but once or twice a week that might help to alleviate some of the stress. And remember that 10 years from now, your daughter will constantly be plugged into an iPod while in the car with you… so enjoy any conversation you can have with her now!

And I’m a SAHM and all three of my kids have had their meltdown moments when leaving preschool. I don’t think it’s a matter of working mom or SAH mom. Kids don’t always like transitions. Mine like routine, though. So when my son is delivered to my car at pick-up time, the first thing I do is always greet him the same way. (I happen to have settled on, “Well, hello silly face!”, but whatever works for you…) A hug and his favorite CD help him settle in. And it keeps me from forgetting to concentrate on him for those few minutes that it takes him to transition. Of course, I still have Mr. Meltdown at least 2 days a week… so no system is perfect!

And give yourself a lot of credit. She’s clearly an amazing kid to have gotten such a fantastic review from her teacher. You’re definitely doing a lot very, very right!

Remember that your child’s pre school teacher might be a working mom too and does not have it in for working Mothers.
Remove that possibility, especially if you have liked her in the past.

The key element that you seem to be missing is exactly what the teacher was trying to tell you. This child is doing well during the day but, upon your arrival whether or not your day has gone well is showing on your face even if you are not aware of it. Your child is picking up on this and is getting tense along with you.
Taking deep breaths while you are driving and before entering the room will go a long way. Your child seems to be developing well but, she does not need your stress at the end of her long day. One last thing….Putting a smile on your face will go a long way.
P.S. Sounds as though you are a caring mom!

Umm, I was with you until you accused pre-school teachers of being against working moms. Hell-o, We are working moms too!! My center has 18 full-time teachers, and only 4 of us don’t have children. Maybe the teacher stated it badly, or maybe your mommy-guilt filters how you hear things. Toddlers do need a structured transition, some more than others. If you can take ten seconds to get down to your child’s eye level, say “hello, my love, how are you?” and slow down a little, yes it will be easier. Also, if this is your first child, you are much more ambivalent about leaving her with anyone, and kids pick up on that. I worked full time for two months after returning to work with my first child, and I realized that I really needed more family time. I cut back to 5 hour days until she was a year old. It hurt a little financially, but made life a little less hectic. Leaving my second child in care was a totally different story. You grow and mature as a parent and lose some of that fear of not being important enough to your child. I have three children, now aged 7, 5, and 3 and have worked both full and part time in cycles to be healthy and sane during pregnancy and infancy, and then the switch to “real” school. If life is too hectic, you have to be willing to change something, not just feed your sense of failure.

Hi,

I’m so sorry you had that experience. I’m an education advocate who does presentations on teacher/parent relationships, and I just wanted to say that when when I hear that a parent walked away from a meeting feeling guilty and chastised, it’s a red flag to me that there was something wrong with the teacher’s approach.
I’m the parent of a young autistic child and know from vast experience that both you and the teacher have very difficult jobs, worthy of great respect. Sounds to me like you showed that respect to this teacher, but that she fell short in returning it.
Your job is to ensure that your child gets an education on every level, socially and morally as well as academically. Her job is to serve as a resource so you can do your job effectively.
So for example, if your daughter were having problems getting along with other kids, it would be perfectly appropriate for the teacher to say, “I’m concerned about this issue. Are you seeing the same type of thing at home?” That is a respectful way of acknowledging YOUR expertise in your child. It is partnership approach to solving a problem.
If on the other hand, she made unwarrented assumptions and scolded you for not providing enough social stimulation for your daughter after school, that would be disrespectful and infantalizing to you, which doesn’t help anyone.
You might have felt differently about the encounter had she simply made an observation that your daughter cries when she’s picked up and asked if you had any insight into why. An open question like that doesn’t make any presumptions about you, your stress, level, or your parenting. Instead it gives you an opportunity to share your experience with your daughter, whom you know far better than any teacher ever will. If the problem really DOES have anything to do with your level of stress, then that is for you to say, not her. If YOU indentify your stress as the problem, she needs to ask how she can help, and perhaps even offer information about a local resource that will help your whole family
Once again, your first parent teacher meeting is a milestone you should be able to recall with fondness. I’m so sorry this teacher ruined it for you. Please feel free to contact me if I can help. I encourage you to visit my blog www.carolgreenburg.vox.com to find out more about what I do.

It seems as if your last question was written to create a discussion. However, I failed to read where the teacher said or even implied that your being a working mother was what was causing your daughter to be stressed. She simply said that your stress was causing her to be stressed. A stay at home mom can also have stress that affects her children which she needs to learn how to keep in check. I am a working mother and some days I feel less guilty than others. But I don’t think that preschool teachers or any group in particular is “out to get” us working mothers, I think out guilt and insecurities cause us to be on the defensive. so any criticism we get as constructive as it may be, we take as someone is criticizing why we are working. It sounds like you are pretty wound up, relax, and maybe you wont think everyone is out to get you.

The teacher doesn’t “have it in” for you. She’s trying to help your child. Sure, she could have said it much more nicely and thrown in a few “you’re so incredibly fabulous in every possible way” to make you feel a little better about yourself, but, ultimately, she’s right.