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My Miscarriage is None of Your F'ing Business!

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Editor's note: momlogic values the right of every woman to have -- and express -- their opinion, and this post is no exception. Yesterday, we posted an item from a guest blogger that incited a strong response. Today, one of our staffers wanted to respond. For those who have a strong reaction to the sentiments expressed below, we encourage you to make your voice heard in our community.

You clearly have no clue what it's like to experience the loss of a baby, and therefore you have no right to judge others who know what it's like.

Woman greiving. Woman holding a sign.

Momlogic's Talitha: When I read Gina's ridiculous rant about pro-choice women have no right to cry about their miscarriage, it upset me and pissed me off: Who is this hateful woman spewing absolute crap about something she clearly knows nothing about? A person, probably also a mother, who compared miscarriage to vegetarianism! It's laughably stupid, so part of me didn't even want to address someone who is clearly uneducated, uncompassionate and just plain rude. But a larger part wanted to stand up for all women out there who have experienced this tragedy, including myself.

Gina, I feel terribly bad for your children, especially if you have a girl. Should your daughter get pregnant young because of a poor mistake -- or because she was forced to have sex against her will -- and then decides to have an abortion, you sound like the kind of mother that will disown her.

Your daughter will suffer the loss of the abortion (YES, that is a loss, too) alone.

She may go on to get married and want a baby. If she miscarries, you will be the mother to tell her to shut up. You will be the mother that will remind her she had an abortion, and that she "doesn't have a right to be upset." You will be the mother telling her (and I quote) "it is ridiculous to break down in hysterics."

Your daughter will suffer the loss of her miscarriage alone.

What a mom!

I suffered the loss of my baby at four and a half months. She was a baby to me, not a "bunch of cells." Together with that loss came the hope, dreams and the new world this baby would bring. The loss was truly an unexpected death, something I had no control over. And yes, I cried. I was hysterical. My heart was shattered. I have the right to be upset, thank you very much. And I would have EVERY right to be just as upset had I gotten an abortion ten years earlier. The issues have nothing to do with each other: miscarriage is an unexplained loss, abortion is a choice -- yet still a loss. But you'll probably never get that. Some women can admit they aren't ready to be a mother, and some? Well, some become moms even though they probably shouldn't be. And that's where you're at. Congratulations.



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98 comments so far | Post a comment now
Karen February 5, 2009, 1:52 PM

greatly put. thank you!

Sarah B February 5, 2009, 1:55 PM

Thank You! Thank You! THANK YOU!!!!

Talitha, it is almost as though you went inside my head and wrote what I was thinking.

I would like to think that ANY mother has the right to morn her loss, no matter what her views are.

jackie February 5, 2009, 2:03 PM

OMG THAT WAS SOOOO WELL PUT!!!!! THANK YOUUUU FROM ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE! WE APPRECIATE IT. THIS WOMAN IS A HATEFUL WOMAN THAT SHOULD NOT BE A MOM!! YOU ROCK!

Cindy February 5, 2009, 2:13 PM

Amazing answer. Especially the last line. So very true.

jennifer February 5, 2009, 2:47 PM

You are so right, yesterday i really wanted to tell her how i felt but i just didn’t know how. Ha. THis is absolutely perfect.

COuldn’t have said it better!

Rea February 5, 2009, 3:09 PM

This was beautiful and such a strong and powerful response.
I, too, believe that my views on certain topics should not be used to limit my reaction to things that happen in life. I don’t feel that, just because I want to have the right to choose, should determine that after a loss I can’t mourn publicly. After four and a half months, you’d have to be very strong willed to NOT mourn the loss.
Thank you.

J February 5, 2009, 3:16 PM

Very well put, I couldn’t agree more!

Leah February 5, 2009, 3:18 PM

Wonderfully written!

kim  February 5, 2009, 3:22 PM

Well Done :)

I lost my baby at 37 weeks and any loss at any time is an emotional roller-coaster

Jane February 5, 2009, 3:27 PM

Very sad that you think pro-life people are not compassionate — How about the babies loss of his/her life— any chance of life at all?? We simply mourn for the “bunch of cells” that is aborted over a million times every year— 6 million abortions since the start of the Iraq war— 6 million — can you imagine the lives of all these “bunches of cells”

AmStatic February 5, 2009, 3:28 PM

I realize many of you may stop reading my post after admitting that I’m a pro-life male, …. if you’re still reading, let me state that my position is not a rule; just a guideline (in instances of rape or life threatening pregnancy I certainly feel differently about my position)..

and I want you to know (those that are still reading…) that I couldn’t agree with Momlogic’s Talitha more. Comparing a wanted baby’s loss with an unwanted pregnancy abortion would be like saying you can’t be upset about the death of your husband of 30 years because you divorced your first husband after 6 months. Or that you can’t be heartbroken about the loss of a family pet because you once got mauled by the neighbors dog and therefore it had to be euthanized. One has nothing to do with the other.

That said, (those of you still reading…) please take that into consideration. You shouldn’t be outraged at all of us that may be pro-life just because you’ve been angered by Gina’s ignorant, ridiculous rant.

Thanks.

Adam

Chrissy February 5, 2009, 3:38 PM

This is a fantastic answer to ignorant Gina’s post!! and when are you people going to get that this isn’t about being Pro-life or Pro-Choice!!!!! All of women who have suffered a loss (of any sort) have the right to grieve! as a christian I find it hard to believe that if someone I knew had an abortion and told me I wouldn’t be rude or judgemental I would approach them with love and offer comfort!! the same would happen if years later that same friend miscarried a planned pregnancy! you are all monsters

Jodi February 5, 2009, 3:57 PM

First of all, I’m a mother of a 15 month old & I HAVE been thru a miscarriage, so I DO know what it’s like to lose a baby!! I know how it feels to have absolutely no control over the fact that your child you WANT to have so badly is gone! So when you think it’s ok to have an abortion no matter how old you are (unless you have been raped or risking your life with the pregnancy) just remember… what you do will always come back to haunt you! I bet when it’s 10 yrs down the road & now you actually want to have a child instead of accidentally getting knocked up & you have a miscarriage… think back to what you KILLED 10 years ago!! I am sick & tired of people wanting their cake & to eat it too. Take some freakin responsibility for your own actions!!

Karen February 5, 2009, 3:58 PM

Thank you for your side, Adam. I kept reading, and I’m a vegetarian pro-choicer (don’t eat chicken, though)! And Jane, I really do understand that position. The issue is that pro-life people generally believe that life starts at conception, and so to them (you) abortion is murder, and yes, you have every right to state that. However, I (and a lot of pro-choicers) believe that separate life really only starts when the baby is viable outside the womb. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t mourn whatever I feel sad about. If I can mourn for the cat I had to put down, why can’t I mourn for the baby I wasn’t able to bear? Feelings are feelings.

Karen February 5, 2009, 4:05 PM

Jodi, I hope you will someday be able to let go of your grief and anger and stop displacing your own fear that you did something to cause your miscarriage onto others. A miscarriage is a tragic medical mystery, not the wrath of your God. I wish you and your child well.

chrissy February 5, 2009, 4:06 PM

Jodi- seriously I’m sorry that u miscarried. however I counsel women who have had abortions…why do u people think they do it with joy and happyness. they don’t make these choices out of anything but desperation. have some compassion, as I am sure people had with you.

Jane February 5, 2009, 4:20 PM

I totally understand your feelings. It would be horrible to loose a baby, any baby at any time. I think everyone should be respectful of each others feelings.

Lynda February 5, 2009, 4:20 PM

Thank you…hopefully “Gina” will read this and think twice about what she posted…

Amanda February 5, 2009, 4:28 PM

Jodi and AmStatic… I am interested in why you think rape victims have a right to abort their fetuses, but those who have had consentual sex shouldn’t. Do you care about the fetus, or about PUNISHING a female who DARED to have sex? Because it is NOT the rape-baby’s fault that its mother was raped.

Basically, what you are both saying (if you read between the very CLEAR lines) is that you feel sexually active women should be PUNISHED with the forced birth of the baby. Sex is a sin, and the female should be punished with a child. But since the rape victim didnt CHOOSE to have sex (they were good lil girls!), you people think it’s OK to abort the baby.

Take a look at what you are saying and what it means. You don’t care about the babies. You care about punishing females who dare have sex.

So Much More Than A Mom February 5, 2009, 4:29 PM

“Very sad that you think pro-life people are not compassionate”

This comment is almost as absurd as Gina’s post. Nowhere did Talitha say that anti-choice people are not compassionate. She said that Gina’s post was not compassionate, and it wasn’t.

Talitha - great response.


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