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My Miscarriage is None of Your F'ing Business!

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Editor's note: momlogic values the right of every woman to have -- and express -- their opinion, and this post is no exception. Yesterday, we posted an item from a guest blogger that incited a strong response. Today, one of our staffers wanted to respond. For those who have a strong reaction to the sentiments expressed below, we encourage you to make your voice heard in our community.

You clearly have no clue what it's like to experience the loss of a baby, and therefore you have no right to judge others who know what it's like.

Woman greiving. Woman holding a sign.

Momlogic's Talitha: When I read Gina's ridiculous rant about pro-choice women have no right to cry about their miscarriage, it upset me and pissed me off: Who is this hateful woman spewing absolute crap about something she clearly knows nothing about? A person, probably also a mother, who compared miscarriage to vegetarianism! It's laughably stupid, so part of me didn't even want to address someone who is clearly uneducated, uncompassionate and just plain rude. But a larger part wanted to stand up for all women out there who have experienced this tragedy, including myself.

Gina, I feel terribly bad for your children, especially if you have a girl. Should your daughter get pregnant young because of a poor mistake -- or because she was forced to have sex against her will -- and then decides to have an abortion, you sound like the kind of mother that will disown her.

Your daughter will suffer the loss of the abortion (YES, that is a loss, too) alone.

She may go on to get married and want a baby. If she miscarries, you will be the mother to tell her to shut up. You will be the mother that will remind her she had an abortion, and that she "doesn't have a right to be upset." You will be the mother telling her (and I quote) "it is ridiculous to break down in hysterics."

Your daughter will suffer the loss of her miscarriage alone.

What a mom!

I suffered the loss of my baby at four and a half months. She was a baby to me, not a "bunch of cells." Together with that loss came the hope, dreams and the new world this baby would bring. The loss was truly an unexpected death, something I had no control over. And yes, I cried. I was hysterical. My heart was shattered. I have the right to be upset, thank you very much. And I would have EVERY right to be just as upset had I gotten an abortion ten years earlier. The issues have nothing to do with each other: miscarriage is an unexplained loss, abortion is a choice -- yet still a loss. But you'll probably never get that. Some women can admit they aren't ready to be a mother, and some? Well, some become moms even though they probably shouldn't be. And that's where you're at. Congratulations.

next: Ad Nauseum
98 comments so far | Post a comment now
jackie February 5, 2009, 4:50 PM

i just love this. “congratulations.” haha i just love this post.

right on!

rhea  February 5, 2009, 5:19 PM

And Amen!

I commented on this topic (Gina, u know you’re so wrong for that one… oh boy) in an earlier momLogic response/post.

Pro Choice, Pro Life, and yet I wonder if we ever think about Pro Living and how hard it really is to deal, afford, and support the difficult choices and experiences that is motherhood and woman’s issues.

Let us not focus on the action (we all have our own crossed to bare) but on the quality of LIFE that we choose to LIVE….


Rhea Brown (a mother, wife, victim of rape… and abortion, as well as miscarriage)

Thanks you all for your passion, your opinions, and using this community to express your hearts an your experiences.

Peace and Blessings to you All!

AmStatic February 5, 2009, 5:33 PM

Amanda, please do not attempt to paint me with your colors. My pro-life view has absolutely nothing to do with religion. I’m an agnostic at best. My pro-life views really aren’t at issue here. The fact that I am against any abortion past the first trimester for reasons other than medical reasons arent the issue. The fact that each case is individual and not one larger overview of “right or wrong” isn’t the issue. The issue, which I remind you I also sided with, is about compassion and understanding. I suggest you look those 2 words up.

Kristen February 5, 2009, 5:39 PM

Thank you so much for this. That article made me cry - I just can’t believe people think like that.

Anna February 5, 2009, 5:42 PM

I think what Gina was trying to say was that it’s hypocritical for women to think of a zygote/embryo/fetus as just a “bunch of cells” when they are making the decision to have an abortion, but think of the same zygote/embryo/fetus as a “baby” when they want to be pregnant but have a miscarriage. In other words, you can’t have it both ways — disposable when you don’t want it, a human life when you do.

That being said, I think Gina missed two important things. I think most women who have abortions absolutely experience a sense of loss and grief. Also, some women may find their feelings about abortion change after they experience pregnancy themselves. While I would still consider myself pro-choice, being pregnant and having my daughter made me realize that her life definitely began before she came out of my body.

Just a few thoughts.

Amanda February 5, 2009, 5:53 PM

I am aware of the meaning of those words, very deeply AmStatic, no worries there. I reserve those for living, breathing humans who are already here, though. No one should EVER be a tool simply for the life of another. It’s called Bodily Sovreignity, and Bodily Integrity. Look up those words.

So if your stance is not against sexually active women, why in your first comment do you equate those women who could die from giving birth with those who are raped, but not those who simply made a mistake? That’s what I would like to know.

Because whether or not you’re religious, you’re still looking to punish a woman who is havign consentual sex, and giving an out to a woman who was raped.

Christi February 5, 2009, 6:18 PM

Well said, Talitha and Adam, thanks for your piece too.

karen February 5, 2009, 6:50 PM

The sentiment is well received and I sympathize with the poster but MomLogic needs an editor. I’m sorry. If you want to be taken seriously (as a site) you need to ensure the quality of the words written in each post. Another reason I won’t be back.

lisa February 5, 2009, 6:55 PM

Ensure the quality of the words? Huh? This was one of the most well-written, honest and raw pieces i’ve read-anywhere-don’t really get what you’re talking about and totally off subject.

karen February 5, 2009, 6:58 PM

Ugh. AmStatic - Sprout a uterus, then we’ll talk. Until it’s a felony for stupid men to walk away when they find out they got a woman pregnant, it needs to remain safe and legal (and long after that). Care to talk about what you’ll do to improve legislation designed to increase the sad level of male responsibility for unplanned pregnancy?

karen  February 5, 2009, 7:01 PM

Actually, Lisa, it was indeed raw and honest. That doesn’t make it well written from any standard of good writing. I agree wholeheartedly with its content but still stand by my assessment that this sad site is only made more sad by the fact that the posters (not this one, but ALL of them seemingly) are lacking strong writing skills. Don’t care if it’s off topic. Don’t care if you disagree.

Wendi February 5, 2009, 7:53 PM

I do not agree with abortion period. I will say that I have an issue with the fact that it is being called a “loss” like it would be with a miscarriage. There is a HUGE difference there. To say that it is a loss would mean that it is something that you intended on keeping, therefore it is a loss. Aborting a child is a choice to not keep it, therefore not being a loss, but something you want out of your life. A miscarriage is a loss, you intended on having the child, but for some reason your body has rejected the baby. Usually this is because there is something wrong with the baby itself. It is very sad to have a miscarriage as you have dreams of having a wonderful child. My hearts go out to the women who have miscarriages. With that being said, those of you who have miscarried and had previous abortions should have known that it could happen. Let’s be real here, it is known that if you have an abortion, it could cause problems in the future. Miscarriages being one of those problems. I do not think you hurt any less, however you need to see that this could be part of the consequences that you have from aborting your child in the first place. Which is why you should never abort a child, it is a life and that is a gift from God. Accept responsibility for what you have done and learn from it and give your child the best life that you can, knowing that it is a GIFT not a problem.

Bec Thomas February 5, 2009, 9:25 PM

Great post! I’d like to know why some of these pro-life anti-choice people think they know how a pro-choice woman feels currently or will feel in the future, it really is the height of arrogance and under-education to make such assumptions.

Heidi Van Veldhuizen February 5, 2009, 9:35 PM

Thank you for your words.

tgirl February 5, 2009, 10:25 PM

thanks for expressing what I didn’t have the energy or patience for.

Kathleen February 6, 2009, 9:35 AM

So sorry for your loss - but bravo for standing up to the stupidity of Gina.

ame i. February 6, 2009, 9:45 AM

I’m pro-choice but not pro-abortion. Just because I believe in a woman’s right to choose doesn’t mean I approve of abortions.

Dr Kate February 6, 2009, 10:48 AM

Wendi, have you seen a woman lose a child that was killing her?

Probably not.

Wendi, have you seen a woman have to wait for days after her 29 week gestation baby dies because she has to “get permission” to have a medical procedure to remove that dead child from her body?

Probably not.

Have you ever held the hand of a sobbing friend who has had to terminate a child that is 1) killing her and 2) missing too much of its body to survive anyway?

If not, then you can SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW. Nothing is more irriatiting than an inexperienced know nothing know it all like you.

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 10:51 AM

I think it is all full of tragedy. The child I miscarried was my baby. If I had aborted it, it would have been my baby. Either way, it is not cells but a baby. Only one way would have been my decision for it to cease growing and maturing and that is wrong. I know many women who bought into the lies before and then carried the guilt around later. Thankfully I also know women that accept them and teach them that Jesus forgives anything in their past so they can grieve and resolve their feelings in a better way than anger. BUT the whole issue needs to be handled with more compassion on both sides.

anonymous February 6, 2009, 11:10 AM

Im not sure what the post by Gina said but from reading the above article she is a freaking idiot! To say it is ridiculous to mourn over a miscarriage hysterically is very cold hearted. A life is something precious. Life started for that baby in the moms belly. Had it not started you wouldnt feel it move or kick or any of the other things that may happen. I feel sorry for anyone who has ever went through that. I personally dont have any kids but I know if I ever lost a child due to a miscarriage I would be crushed. Some people do want their kids sounds like Gina shouldnt have any of her own. Gina what if your mom miscarried you or had an abortion with you would you be ok with that or are you that down on life that you wouldnt care?

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