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My Miscarriage is None of Your F'ing Business!

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Editor's note: momlogic values the right of every woman to have -- and express -- their opinion, and this post is no exception. Yesterday, we posted an item from a guest blogger that incited a strong response. Today, one of our staffers wanted to respond. For those who have a strong reaction to the sentiments expressed below, we encourage you to make your voice heard in our community.

You clearly have no clue what it's like to experience the loss of a baby, and therefore you have no right to judge others who know what it's like.

Woman greiving. Woman holding a sign.

Momlogic's Talitha: When I read Gina's ridiculous rant about pro-choice women have no right to cry about their miscarriage, it upset me and pissed me off: Who is this hateful woman spewing absolute crap about something she clearly knows nothing about? A person, probably also a mother, who compared miscarriage to vegetarianism! It's laughably stupid, so part of me didn't even want to address someone who is clearly uneducated, uncompassionate and just plain rude. But a larger part wanted to stand up for all women out there who have experienced this tragedy, including myself.

Gina, I feel terribly bad for your children, especially if you have a girl. Should your daughter get pregnant young because of a poor mistake -- or because she was forced to have sex against her will -- and then decides to have an abortion, you sound like the kind of mother that will disown her.

Your daughter will suffer the loss of the abortion (YES, that is a loss, too) alone.

She may go on to get married and want a baby. If she miscarries, you will be the mother to tell her to shut up. You will be the mother that will remind her she had an abortion, and that she "doesn't have a right to be upset." You will be the mother telling her (and I quote) "it is ridiculous to break down in hysterics."

Your daughter will suffer the loss of her miscarriage alone.

What a mom!

I suffered the loss of my baby at four and a half months. She was a baby to me, not a "bunch of cells." Together with that loss came the hope, dreams and the new world this baby would bring. The loss was truly an unexpected death, something I had no control over. And yes, I cried. I was hysterical. My heart was shattered. I have the right to be upset, thank you very much. And I would have EVERY right to be just as upset had I gotten an abortion ten years earlier. The issues have nothing to do with each other: miscarriage is an unexplained loss, abortion is a choice -- yet still a loss. But you'll probably never get that. Some women can admit they aren't ready to be a mother, and some? Well, some become moms even though they probably shouldn't be. And that's where you're at. Congratulations.



next: Ad Nauseum
98 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kathy February 6, 2009, 1:23 PM

Wendi-

Get your facts straight. Having a safe, legal abortion does not affect one’s ability to have a child in the future. (Which, incidentally, is why it is important that it be legally permissible, given the dangers associated with unregulated abortions, which CAN negatively impact one’s ability to get pregnant later in life.)

You’re certainly allowed to have your opinion, but don’t repeat non-facts that the pro-life movement uses to scare women into reproductive submission.

Bob February 6, 2009, 2:26 PM

Great rebuttal, Talitha!

Ginny February 6, 2009, 3:40 PM

I think the authors of both articles have every right to express their opinions, whether anyone agrees with them or not. I think if everyone is truly interested in knowing the truth, they should go to bound4lifecentralnc.wordpress.com/learn-the-facts/ and learn the facts about abortions and who has them. also note that that baby, no matter the age in utero, they ALL fight being killed.

Rocky D February 6, 2009, 3:56 PM

I find it very strange that when women have an abortion, even at 6 to 9 months into the pregnancy (partial birth)they call it a fetus. But the same women who may have a miscarriage after having a late term abortion then refer to it as a baby. Sounds very convenient to me. I believe that if it’s 2 months or eight months, whether it is by miscarriage or abortion it is a baby that has been lost. Maybe in medical terms the word fetus applies, but in reallity it’s still a baby.

Jim February 6, 2009, 5:00 PM

Ginny - why don’t YOU get some “facts” from the other side? This is a personal issue each woman decides for personal reason. And ,there are LOTS of reasons women choose to end a pregnancy - here are a few: http://www.prochoiceamerica.org/choice-action-center/womens-stories/

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 6:50 PM

THANK YOU. Just… THANK YOU for this post, Talitha.

Jesus Christ February 6, 2009, 8:42 PM

Whoa! It was like you got inside my head there! Great article.

Jess February 7, 2009, 11:15 AM

In no way do I support cruelty and harsh judgment of another. Still, I find it difficult to understand people that feel because they have the right to choose that it is any way ethical to abort a baby because its inconvenient and they “aren’t ready.” No one is ever really ready for parenthood. I had an un-intended pregnancy as a teenager. And I had well-meaning people actually tell me that it was the wrong time that I should abort or place the child up for adoption because I couldn’t be a good mother at that stage in my life.
But, that’s ridiculous. I chose to put my plans on hold and make the necessary sacrifices to be a good mother. And I am a good mother, easily as good as women 10 years older than me. And my five year old son is wonderful. He’s sweet, loving, bright and compassionate. And he is very, very loved and well-cared for. No, I don’t think a woman should be punished for sex. Further, I don’t believe children are a punishment - they’re blessings. But, I do think women should take responsibility for their choices and their bodies. Bottom-line, if you have sex it can result in a baby. If you aren’t prepared to raise a child, then you shouldn’t be having sex. If a man doesn’t seem like someone you can raise a child with, then why are you letting him inside you? A woman who is raped did not choose the potential father or the act that resulted in that child. So, in dealing with the trama of that violation, I don’t feel that it is fair to have to take responsibility for those choices. Nevertheless, the reality is - fair or not, she does have choices she has to make. And I think if she is in any way unsure that she can love and care for the child then she has a responsibility to not keep the child. Still, for myself, I can’t see abortion as the right choice there either - not when there are so many people who would love the opportunity to raise a child from infancy as their own. Life isn’t fair. And many souls learn that before they have the chance to live it.

Kathy February 7, 2009, 1:35 PM

Jess — Calling your double-standard. Why are women the only ones responsible for withholding or refraining from sex? If sex is equated solely to the act of reproduction, then there is merit to your question of “then why are you letting him inside you?” In that case, every incidence of sex should be viewed solely as an act of reproduction. If, however, sex is not purely for the purposes of creating the next generation, then that question is moot - as is the idea that women are the only ones responsible for the sex act and must suffer its consequences because of the outdated idea that they are the ‘gatekeepers’ to sex. Is having a child a punishment? No, not in and of itself. But you said it yourself; “I put my plans on hold.” Did the father of your child have to put his plans on hold because he had sex? Women are consistently told that since they have been ‘bad’ and had sex ‘before they were ready’ (whoever sets those standards), they should be the ones to take responsibility, and yet men are permitted to be nothing more than the innocent agents of a woman’s downfall. Bottom line? Women are blamed and reviled for having sex. Men get off scot-free.

Mary February 8, 2009, 5:35 AM

Jess said: “I chose to put my plans on hold and make the necessary sacrifices to be a good mother.”

Jess, you CHOSE. You are pro-choice. Many, many women make a different choice. No one should have the power to tell anyone what they can or cannot do with their bodies.

Ginny February 8, 2009, 11:34 AM

Jim— I don’t need anymore facts. I know several of them first hand. The bottom line is that no matter how or when the baby was conceived, it is still a baby, a life. One that fights for it’s life even when it’s no bigger than your finger.

Supermouse February 8, 2009, 12:24 PM

It’s still a baby, and still a life, and that’s why I killed mine (had an abortion) while it was still a nerveless clump of cells.

My mum got pregnant as a teenager and had me. I love her, and she loves me, but, when I got pregnant as a teenager, and I thought about the life I had had, because my mum, although offered an abortion, chose to have me… I chose the abortion. I did it for the good of the baby. I did it so that another child didn’t grow up in poverty with a depressed mother who couldn’t cope. I did it so that my child didn’t have to go through all the things I did.

Even if you concede that what you’re killing is a baby, it’s sometimes the right choice and sometimes you *still* do it. Looking back, I made the right decision, absolutely. The child’s dead, but the child isn’t unhappy, in poverty, and sitting there, pregnant, at 19 years old, trying to decide what to do next. Instead, the child died before it could ever feel pain or know it was alive. What I killed was a baby, but when I killed it, it was still a simple clump of cells with no feelings. It didn’t suffer from the abortion, I did. My mum didn’t abort. I still think, now, she’d have been a lot better off if she had, and *I* mourn, for the life she could have had, without having to bring up a child alone and without the skills or support to cope.

Kay February 8, 2009, 1:53 PM

A miscarriage is a tragic loss no matter who you are. I disagree with hate spewed on either side of this debate. Gina and Talitha both need to learn empathy. I’d say they are more alike than not.

Kat February 9, 2009, 5:04 AM

Ginny — A tumour “fights” just as hard to survive as an embryo does in its first trimester, before it has developed a sense of pain, an ability to process neural signals, move, or even has a mouth to protest with. All cells “fight” to survive; fetal cells are no different. This is information any reputable science magazine can tell you, although the pro-life movement generally prefers to dress up the whole thing with a lot more drama than is actually involved.

Layla February 9, 2009, 10:43 PM

Thank you AmStatic, that was a very considerate & logical response. Although abortion shouldn’t be just in cases of rape, Amanda is right, consensual or not how is it any different for that “life” that’s been created as you believe?

Gigohead  February 11, 2009, 9:53 AM

I am currently try to conceive. I am part of Fertilty Friend. I was just reading a profile of a young mother whose baby died immediately after birth. So in Gina’s perturbed world, this mother is not allowed to mourn this baby that she’s carried all these months because she perhaps agrees that any woman has the right to terminate her pregnancy. I swear, I’m pro-smart, I chose not to associate with stupid people like this Gina person.

Carry February 12, 2009, 1:55 PM

No I would not want my teen daughter to have an abortion, I would instead offer the infant a place in my home, or set the baby up with a loving adopted family. I feel that when teenagers get pregnant it is the teenager’s parents’ responsibility because they are at fault for not paying attention to their childs sexual activities. Also, the teenager is too young to have that sort of responsibility of taking their childs life, or raising it on their own. No, Its not easy keeping your kid from sexual activities, but then again parenting is not easy in general and if you are not able to keep your teenager from having babies then you need to step up and take responsibility for your shortcomings as a parent.

Anonymous February 13, 2009, 3:18 PM

This was exactly with I was thinking, nicely written!!

Carry February 14, 2009, 2:56 AM

Amanda, I totally agree with what you said, extremely well put.

allison February 14, 2009, 10:07 AM

I would just like to say that I am pro-life and fully understand that many women feel a sense of loss after an abortion and that women do not have abortions for fun. I am sorry for your loss and hope that you are blessed with as many children as you desire to have.


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