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Six Reasons My Toddler is Kind of an A**hole

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If my toddler was one of my girlfriends, I'd kick her to the curb.


Momlogic's Momstrosity: Since becoming a parent, I spend a great deal of time with my three-year-old. We're inseparable. But to be honest, even though she's my BFF, she's not the greatest friend. At one time or another all toddlers can be jerks -- adorable, cuddly, hilarious, jerks.  Put simply, if I had to scale down my friend inventory she'd be the first to go, here's why:

She's extremely self-absorbed
You know the type, they never ask questions in conversation. Instead it's all about them. All day long it's: "I like pink!," "Watch me bounce on the bed", "I went poo in my pants!"  Just once I'd like to hear her ask me what's MY favorite color or inquire if, perhaps, I went poo in MY pants.
She calls me in the middle of the night
Can you say needy? I mean I have to work WAY earlier than she does ... actually she doesn't even have a job. So I find it really irritating that anytime she needs a shoulder to cry on -- or more milk -- she has no compunction about waking me up, sometimes more than once a night. It's been going on for years. I like to be there for my friends, but this is ridiculous.

She's manic AND a control freak
Not a great combination. Her personality can change on a dime. One minute she's standing on a chair in full princess regalia happily singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the next she's uncontrollably crying and hurling her tiara across the room because I brought her juice in the wrong sippy cup. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. It's like hanging out with a tiny alcoholic who swigs massive amounts of milk.

She's a slob
Ever have a friend who was a little lax in the hygiene department? Multiply that by a hundred.  There are times when the kid reeks. But does she care? No way. I'm always the one who has to broach the bath subject. What's worse is she doesn't care if her hair is combed, her teeth brushed or her clothes are crusty with dried yogurt. Giving her friendly advice, like, "You only get one chance to make a first impression" falls on deaf ears.

She's a fair weather friend
She's the kind of friend that it's great when you're at the top of her list -- especially if you have candy -- but then she'll drop you like a hot Mr. Potato Head.

She's a mooch
It's galling. She's NEVER offered to pay or at least split the check when we go out to lunch. Even worse, we've been roommates ever since she was born and she's never once remembered to help with the rent. 

Seriously, would you stay friends with someone like this?

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123 comments so far | Post a comment now
liz February 3, 2009, 12:29 PM

This is the most hilarious article I’ve read all day!

Alison February 3, 2009, 1:17 PM

So funny! Thanks for the great laugh.

jean February 3, 2009, 1:34 PM

one damn funny article!!!

Cristina Mathers February 3, 2009, 1:36 PM

thanks for the laugh, this was very funny!

Jayme February 3, 2009, 1:37 PM

Hysterical! I’m right there with you… except I have THREE of them at home!

Karrie February 3, 2009, 1:39 PM

You’re preachin’ to the choir, girlfriend! I have a 3 year old and you’ve just described her to a T! This is hysterical! Thanks for sharing!! :D

Saph February 3, 2009, 1:40 PM

Lovin this article! It’s just me & my daughter in our house, and does she do any housework? No! Even when most of the mess is because of her! Haha!

My house would be tidy if she wasn’t with me, but no where near as fun! xxx

Meghan February 3, 2009, 1:41 PM

OMG I wish I could tell you how crappy of a day I’m having and how much I needed to hear that and laugh like that! THANKS!!!

Jerry February 3, 2009, 1:41 PM


Eve February 3, 2009, 1:52 PM

This is absolutely hilarious!

d February 3, 2009, 1:57 PM

you should check out Louis CK stand up…he does a routine just like this!

Margo February 3, 2009, 2:03 PM

Oh, my. This is so true. Wonderful post. Thank you for the giggle.

You forgot a few things, though.

She has no qualms about puking all over the floor, and then expects you to clean it up.

She borrows all of your things, and never returns them.

She needs to have control of the TV and phone at all times. If you are busy talking to someone, she needs to talk to them too.

She makes you read her books all the time, while still not taking an interest in any of yours.

Fortunately, all of these quirks are nothing compared to how much joy they bring us. Most days. ;)

K&C's mom February 3, 2009, 2:48 PM

This is great!!!! I really needed a laugh after the day I’m having!!!

mollysmom February 3, 2009, 3:25 PM

mine doesn’t ask me what my favorite color is either…that’s because she TELLS me what my favorite color is. it’s purple by the way.

LilsMom February 3, 2009, 3:57 PM

HILARIOUS! Best article I’ve read in years!!

ame i. February 3, 2009, 4:36 PM

Ha, that was great! Why do we even feed the little demons? ;) We should have put bricks on their heads to keep them from growing tall enough to cause us more harm ;)
I have 2 girls, 2 days short of being 2 years apart. They’ve always been great kids for the most part, but I remember days/moments when I felt like pinching their little heads off.
At 9 & 11, they are more mean to one another than to me nowadays.

Ben's Momma February 3, 2009, 4:49 PM


Personalized Childrens Gifts February 3, 2009, 5:08 PM

Never once has my toddler apologized when I embed a piece of lego or hot wheels into my foot that was left laying around. Great article.

Kelly February 3, 2009, 5:54 PM

So funny!

Anonymous February 3, 2009, 5:56 PM

When did my kid go to live with her?

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