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Six Reasons My Toddler is Kind of an A**hole

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If my toddler was one of my girlfriends, I'd kick her to the curb.

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Momlogic's Momstrosity: Since becoming a parent, I spend a great deal of time with my three-year-old. We're inseparable. But to be honest, even though she's my BFF, she's not the greatest friend. At one time or another all toddlers can be jerks -- adorable, cuddly, hilarious, jerks.  Put simply, if I had to scale down my friend inventory she'd be the first to go, here's why:

She's extremely self-absorbed
You know the type, they never ask questions in conversation. Instead it's all about them. All day long it's: "I like pink!," "Watch me bounce on the bed", "I went poo in my pants!"  Just once I'd like to hear her ask me what's MY favorite color or inquire if, perhaps, I went poo in MY pants.
 
She calls me in the middle of the night
Can you say needy? I mean I have to work WAY earlier than she does ... actually she doesn't even have a job. So I find it really irritating that anytime she needs a shoulder to cry on -- or more milk -- she has no compunction about waking me up, sometimes more than once a night. It's been going on for years. I like to be there for my friends, but this is ridiculous.

She's manic AND a control freak
Not a great combination. Her personality can change on a dime. One minute she's standing on a chair in full princess regalia happily singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the next she's uncontrollably crying and hurling her tiara across the room because I brought her juice in the wrong sippy cup. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. It's like hanging out with a tiny alcoholic who swigs massive amounts of milk.

She's a slob
Ever have a friend who was a little lax in the hygiene department? Multiply that by a hundred.  There are times when the kid reeks. But does she care? No way. I'm always the one who has to broach the bath subject. What's worse is she doesn't care if her hair is combed, her teeth brushed or her clothes are crusty with dried yogurt. Giving her friendly advice, like, "You only get one chance to make a first impression" falls on deaf ears.

She's a fair weather friend
She's the kind of friend that it's great when you're at the top of her list -- especially if you have candy -- but then she'll drop you like a hot Mr. Potato Head.

She's a mooch
It's galling. She's NEVER offered to pay or at least split the check when we go out to lunch. Even worse, we've been roommates ever since she was born and she's never once remembered to help with the rent. 

Seriously, would you stay friends with someone like this?



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123 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous February 3, 2009, 6:17 PM

you’ve only got yourself and your parenting skills to hold accountable for how your kid turns out..

typome February 3, 2009, 7:23 PM

Wow, this is true writing talent! I was literally laughing out loud!

ed February 3, 2009, 7:45 PM

great post, so true =)

h February 3, 2009, 8:09 PM

ew, i’m so glad i don’t have kids…

Jocelyn February 3, 2009, 8:34 PM

I feel ya! FilthyRichmond.com

Eliot Pearson February 3, 2009, 9:35 PM

Very creative. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for taking the time to create.

Christina February 3, 2009, 10:32 PM

I have been thinking that my daughter is a pain today. This made me feel so much better.

Larry February 3, 2009, 11:12 PM

I have raised three children … all toddlers at one point in their lives. I can say that none of them even remotely resembled the child described in this screed. I suspect the real problem is that this unfortunate little girl was raised by an a**hole of a mother. Yeah, I know it is supposed to be humor, but there is something disturbingly not funny about it.

Larry February 3, 2009, 11:15 PM

Since you screen comments, I can understand why there is only praise. I am sure I am not the only one who found this to be disgusting.

L February 4, 2009, 12:47 AM

C’mon Larry. This was some fun tongue-in-cheek stuff, and very well written, too. Parenting small children is exhausting. Better learn to laugh if you want to survive. Give the lady a break.

just some bitch...  February 4, 2009, 1:13 AM

it’s amazing some people have no sense of humor, i thought it was funny as hell.. but now i have teenage boys, not so much fun! hehe

Melinda February 4, 2009, 11:09 AM

Very funny. I love the perspective.

Cera February 4, 2009, 3:42 PM

As a mother of a 3 year old I totally understand. Hilarious couldn’t have said it better.

Heather February 4, 2009, 4:46 PM

Too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Lori February 4, 2009, 5:59 PM

I LOVE this, seriously hilarious!

Lisa George February 5, 2009, 10:03 AM

This is priceless! I’m constantly thinking that if this was any other relationship than mom/kid, my friends would be saying, “Get out … NOW!!”

Anonymous February 5, 2009, 10:19 AM

So true… I have a BFF just like yours, he is almost four

Anonymous February 5, 2009, 11:17 AM

Excellent…. I hear ya!

MLD February 5, 2009, 6:03 PM

I know a family that just lost their 4 year old to childhood cancer and I’m sure those parents never thought of these things during her 2 and half year battle with brain cancer. Knowing what they are going through and that they are burying her tomorrow… this is very offensive - whoever is the author of this article should be very ashamed and thankful that her 3 year old is healthy and can make messes and ‘poo’ in their pants and let you know about it!

Jamie February 6, 2009, 12:28 AM

I so hear ya! My three year old is such a diva! Good thing we love them SO much!


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