If my toddler was one of my girlfriends, I'd kick her to the curb.

Momlogic's Momstrosity: Since becoming a parent, I spend a great deal of time with my three-year-old. We're inseparable. But to be honest, even though she's my BFF, she's not the greatest friend. At one time or another all toddlers can be jerks -- adorable, cuddly, hilarious, jerks.  Put simply, if I had to scale down my friend inventory she'd be the first to go, here's why:

She's extremely self-absorbed
You know the type, they never ask questions in conversation. Instead it's all about them. All day long it's: "I like pink!," "Watch me bounce on the bed", "I went poo in my pants!"  Just once I'd like to hear her ask me what's MY favorite color or inquire if, perhaps, I went poo in MY pants.
 
She calls me in the middle of the night
Can you say needy? I mean I have to work WAY earlier than she does ... actually she doesn't even have a job. So I find it really irritating that anytime she needs a shoulder to cry on -- or more milk -- she has no compunction about waking me up, sometimes more than once a night. It's been going on for years. I like to be there for my friends, but this is ridiculous.

She's manic AND a control freak
Not a great combination. Her personality can change on a dime. One minute she's standing on a chair in full princess regalia happily singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the next she's uncontrollably crying and hurling her tiara across the room because I brought her juice in the wrong sippy cup. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. It's like hanging out with a tiny alcoholic who swigs massive amounts of milk.

She's a slob
Ever have a friend who was a little lax in the hygiene department? Multiply that by a hundred.  There are times when the kid reeks. But does she care? No way. I'm always the one who has to broach the bath subject. What's worse is she doesn't care if her hair is combed, her teeth brushed or her clothes are crusty with dried yogurt. Giving her friendly advice, like, "You only get one chance to make a first impression" falls on deaf ears.

She's a fair weather friend
She's the kind of friend that it's great when you're at the top of her list -- especially if you have candy -- but then she'll drop you like a hot Mr. Potato Head.

She's a mooch
It's galling. She's NEVER offered to pay or at least split the check when we go out to lunch. Even worse, we've been roommates ever since she was born and she's never once remembered to help with the rent. 

Seriously, would you stay friends with someone like this?