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Six Reasons My Toddler is Kind of an A**hole

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If my toddler was one of my girlfriends, I'd kick her to the curb.


Momlogic's Momstrosity: Since becoming a parent, I spend a great deal of time with my three-year-old. We're inseparable. But to be honest, even though she's my BFF, she's not the greatest friend. At one time or another all toddlers can be jerks -- adorable, cuddly, hilarious, jerks.  Put simply, if I had to scale down my friend inventory she'd be the first to go, here's why:

She's extremely self-absorbed
You know the type, they never ask questions in conversation. Instead it's all about them. All day long it's: "I like pink!," "Watch me bounce on the bed", "I went poo in my pants!"  Just once I'd like to hear her ask me what's MY favorite color or inquire if, perhaps, I went poo in MY pants.
She calls me in the middle of the night
Can you say needy? I mean I have to work WAY earlier than she does ... actually she doesn't even have a job. So I find it really irritating that anytime she needs a shoulder to cry on -- or more milk -- she has no compunction about waking me up, sometimes more than once a night. It's been going on for years. I like to be there for my friends, but this is ridiculous.

She's manic AND a control freak
Not a great combination. Her personality can change on a dime. One minute she's standing on a chair in full princess regalia happily singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the next she's uncontrollably crying and hurling her tiara across the room because I brought her juice in the wrong sippy cup. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. It's like hanging out with a tiny alcoholic who swigs massive amounts of milk.

She's a slob
Ever have a friend who was a little lax in the hygiene department? Multiply that by a hundred.  There are times when the kid reeks. But does she care? No way. I'm always the one who has to broach the bath subject. What's worse is she doesn't care if her hair is combed, her teeth brushed or her clothes are crusty with dried yogurt. Giving her friendly advice, like, "You only get one chance to make a first impression" falls on deaf ears.

She's a fair weather friend
She's the kind of friend that it's great when you're at the top of her list -- especially if you have candy -- but then she'll drop you like a hot Mr. Potato Head.

She's a mooch
It's galling. She's NEVER offered to pay or at least split the check when we go out to lunch. Even worse, we've been roommates ever since she was born and she's never once remembered to help with the rent. 

Seriously, would you stay friends with someone like this?

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123 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lee Ann February 6, 2009, 7:45 AM

Thanks — I needed a good laugh today. I have twin 4 year old grandsons and this really hits home. You gotta love ‘em!!

Anonymous February 11, 2009, 9:09 AM

I seriously think that you are stalking me and my daughter. If I could change one thing different in this article describing my little bundle of love, it would be NOTHING!!! This is her! Down to the standing on chairs in full princess garb and belting out “Twinkle, twinkle” Although, she does it when am watching my favorite show and puther chair directly in front of the TV,so I won’t miss one note… I wish we could cpmpare notes and suggestions. I love my daugther very much and yes she is the biggest B@*#@H!!!

DocNizzi February 13, 2009, 3:51 PM

Makes me look forward to one I got coming even more. Thanks.

amidivine February 21, 2009, 7:39 PM

Does this mean you wouldn’t be among the group of parents stoning me in the street after overhearing me tell my three-year-old that he had one more month and then he was going to work in the factory? Or that some insects and animals actually have been known to eat their young, and that I might just be one of them? Or just ‘when you talk about poo, you bore me?’ and then leaving the room?

I swear, it’s the mama dogface in the banana-patch* truth though that I always remember to fess up that that was, btw, just another of moms great big whopping lies, and the factory won’t be a day before he’s four.

*for those unfamiliar, that’s a line from a steve martin routine about raising kids - and teaching them to say, oh, ‘mama dogface banana-patch’ instead of: ‘hi there!’ so that when they first went to school…well you can extrapolate I’m sure…

carmen everett February 24, 2009, 5:38 PM

so great to hear my 3 year old is not a neurotic just normal…(:

Ju March 1, 2009, 6:50 PM

This is so funny!
My toddler must not be there yet. She insists on sharing … crayons, ice cream, candy, dinner … unless you try to take some without asking … THEN comes the screaming and “MINE!” (in Korean and English). Other than that, she’s pretty mild. My NEPHEW on the other hand. 7 years old acts like he’s 3. His 5yr old cousing puts him in his place, so does my daughter (she’s two) if acts the baby. He’s gotten better, but is still a brat if he’s not the center of attention. With 3 younger cousins, you’d think he’d give up the baby role by now!

Anonymous March 4, 2009, 4:38 PM

LOL…I should have found this a long time ago! What a way to make my day better!

ohgodno March 6, 2009, 12:57 PM

I have felt like this for 11 years now with my daughter. Laughed my a** off at this blog! Nice to see moms looking at the humorous side of raising kids!

Kelli March 10, 2009, 11:24 AM

This is so cute!

Monica Culp April 7, 2009, 3:50 AM

Oh, that was too cute!

mary May 3, 2009, 6:44 PM

Sounds like that mom “Erin” who hates her kids!

Heather Allard June 3, 2009, 5:53 PM

What a HILARIOUS article!! So damn funny. Thank you so much for the laugh.


Jjzmkorl June 25, 2009, 3:16 AM

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baluoct27 October 27, 2009, 3:21 AM

Hahahahaha… wow great fun. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous October 28, 2009, 5:53 PM

you need to discipline your kid

Willy Brown Balls November 1, 2009, 8:02 PM

I’m sure glad I’ve got no kids. Sucks to be you.

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Interesting February 4, 2010, 3:20 PM

The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

sbann March 12, 2010, 1:11 AM

sounds like my older sister

shtferbrains(yew) March 12, 2010, 3:32 AM

sounds like you’re a terrible parent…way to bring a kid up to know who’s in control. you give her too much attention, WATCH ME. ring a bell? its more about what she does that what happens in general. have a bit more control and hopefully more wholesome influence over her. Hopefully.

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