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Taking One for the Team

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Is "taking it for the team" good for your marriage? One mom isn't so sure ...

Couple smiling at each other in bed

Guest Blogger Samantha: Look, I'm a new mom. I'm a working mom. I'm a TIRED mom. I love my husband and I think we have a great marriage, but the majority of the time, mustering up the energy and effort to "do it" just isn't a priority. I know it sounds pathetic -- having to make "an effort" to have sex is not how I want it to be. Trust me, I want to do it -- I do! I miss the old, fun, sexy Samantha... Once upon a time, I wanted to do it all the time! In fact, I'm pretty sure that's how we ended up with a toddler. The point is: everything has shifted and unfortunately the desire for sex (just out of nowhere) is almost nonexistent.

Unfortunately (or not unfortunately -- depending on how you look at it), I may be alone on the "nonexistent" desire part. My husband's desire to do it has NOT diminished -- apparently the lack of sleep, crazy office drama, and fantastic episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" has not stopped him from wanting to do it. I'm not complaining about the fact that my husband is still "into me." In fact, thank g-d! However, for fear of him not wanting to feel rejected, I find myself faking interest and oftentimes wind up TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM. But now, I'm pretty sure he's onto me and I'm pretty sure he knows damn well that I'd rather watch them rolling out the red carpet while citing useless Oscar facts than have sex. (Come on, can you blame me? Oscar Sunday is my most favorite day of the year!)

Some members of the ML Community think that it may be me who has the problem. Samantha wonders if there's a "hormonal issue" I might be dealing with. (Ha. Sure, blame it on the 'mones.) She says, "Sometimes after we have kids, you end up being so stressed, not looking out for you and things can easily get jumbled." But she adds, "If it's not the problem and it's just life, then do it for your relationship."

Jackie Mac agrees and thinks it's absolutely better to "TOFTT." "I'm not one to promote lying but I know after having three kids (all under five), I had to fake it for quite a while before we got back to us. But it was worth it and, while it's not often, I actually want it too and initiate it. And he's a happy guy when that happens."

The bottom line, it sounds like it IS better for me to "take one for the team" than not to take it at all. What do YOU think?

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20 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous February 26, 2009, 3:54 PM

Yes…and you’re marriage will thank you for it later.

Amber February 26, 2009, 4:12 PM

Am I the only one that doesn’t have a husband that makes me feel pressured into having sex?

Mom2two February 26, 2009, 4:15 PM

Marriages need that intimacy. So yes, you should “take one for the team”. When I do, it creates the desire for more and then both of us are happy.

Anonymous February 26, 2009, 4:39 PM

Come on, once you get going it’s fun for everyone!

Anonymous February 26, 2009, 4:53 PM

My husband doesn’t pressure me at all but I know that he wants/needs it more than I do so yes I do it at times when I really don’t feel like it but as anon said once you get going it’s fun for as both.

R February 26, 2009, 6:47 PM

I totally do it for him and there are times I don’t even fake it. I just tell him honestly I’m not interested, but I don’t mind doing it for him to get satisfied. He doesn’t really love it that way, but sometimes it’s the only thing on the menu you know!

jw  February 26, 2009, 8:10 PM

Take the time to be intimate with your husband whenever you can but if your sex drive is truly that much lower than it use to be then you should go see your doc because there could be something going on and if you don’t take care of it then it could get worse over time. You don’t want to wind up resenting your husband for giving him sex when you really don’t want to because that will lead to even more troubles in your marriage.

Chrissy February 27, 2009, 12:18 AM

No. Sorry I don’t. I need to be in the mood and my hubby knows when I’m not and he just doesn’t like having sex as much if I’m not into. And yes, he knows when I’m “faking” it.
So, he does help me get into it. When he comes home, he just pitches in and helps with the kids or dinner and later maybe he give me a glass of wine or a foot massage.
I can’t tell you how many of my girlfreinds’ husband come home and go into their “cave” (thanks John Gray) for an hour or two, won’t eat with the family and won’t even take out the freaking garabage - please dishes? laundry? Don’t even think about asking these husbands.
So of course, when the wife is that overworked and frustrated - sex doesn’t happen.

Katie February 27, 2009, 8:04 PM

Dude, you ARE the team! But your husband needs to make some decisions, as do you. Maybe you can’t stay up late to watch Grey’s AND then go have sex. Which is more important? It is so easy to veg in front of the tv when you’re tired. Maybe hitting the sheets earlier would be better all around. Most men would be very happy to go to bed early =)

Rachel February 28, 2009, 5:22 PM

There are times when I may not be so into it, but like someone else said, once it gets going its fun for all! And that is what I keep in mind when I’m debating on whether I should say “no, not tonight” or “okay, lets go at it!”. Unless I am sick, or extremely exhausted, I never say no to my husband and in the end I never feel like I’m “taking one for the team”.

Brie February 28, 2009, 6:32 PM

I guess I’m in the minority here. I don’t believe in “taking one for the team.” I have a problem with letting my husband masturbate using my body. That IS what it amounts to. His pleasure at the cost of mine? Fortunately, he’s as exhausted as I am, so doesn’t press the issue. Hopefully when my daughter is weaned I’ll be more into it. Until then, he can TOFTT by picking up his dirty socks.

Anonymous March 6, 2009, 9:33 PM

If a woman is tired to give affection through sex then I think a man should be equally tired to give affection through romance. They are equal in my book. Men need sex to feel connection and women need romance to feel connection. It would be unfair to ask my husband to give me affection without meeting his intimacy needs. It’s not taking one for the team. It’s giving myself to him because I love him. And my husband is so dang romantic and attentive. Sex isn’t a priviledge that is earned in a relationship. It’s a connecting point for men just like romance shouldn’t be earned by women. It’s all about giving 100%.

Anonymous March 20, 2009, 7:38 PM

Actually, I don’t think I agree with this. I think that it’s important to find the root of the problem and try to solve it. I can understand that one’s love for their husband is enough to make her want to just let him get off, but we should really try to find what it is that makes us not want it? Is it that now that you’ve had the baby and your body has changed, are you not feeling sexy anymore? Is it that you are not being pleased in the first place, so on top of the stress you really don’t care much for it? It could always be a loss of attraction for the husband/boyfriend as well. It could be a number of things and I think it’s important to atleast figure out what it is.

Deborah March 21, 2009, 10:28 AM

Your not alone. Lots of women feel that way. I just wish someone could help, and offer advice on how to get over those feelings. I would suggest taking some time out for you, (without the TV)and spend some time thinking about the act before hand. You will find your in the “Mood” a bit more than before. Where’s a doctor with some advice on this topic?

Specialized March 30, 2009, 2:52 PM

Umm, I hate to bring this up, but…

If your view of it is to “take one for the team”, trust me — your husband isn’t far from seeing what else the “team” has to offer. if you think it’s easy for us to tell when you’re faking orgasm, you won’t believe how easy it is to see faked intimacy. Or worse yet, that “okay, I’ll do it as a favor to you” attitude. The rest of the “team” is much more grateful, by the way!


lynn May 20, 2009, 10:09 PM

I feel bad for my husband but i dont want sex and if i never had it again that would be FINE with me. I do have sex with him for him, i get nothing out of it but a loss of time , id rather do the dishes… sorry just the way it is for me

Czvgvrbt June 25, 2009, 11:39 AM

4f6ESn comment1 ,

chase September 30, 2010, 6:16 PM

What is even more problematic is the fact that woman get this way with every relationship. All of you who say you are this TOFTT way, one break up and you are back to those wet feelings that you felt a long time ago. Men can be as romantic as they want, but every woman gets ruined by the lack of mystery. Sad but true.

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