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PiscesAre You Harder on Your First-Born?
A study says most parents are -- and you don't have to feel bad about it one bit.
Maybe you hold your oldest daughter to a higher standard then her little sister. Or you're a little more lenient when it comes to punishing your younger one.
Or, if you've grown up with siblings, you may have experienced this first-hand. Maybe your mom let your younger brother get away with murder, while you got in trouble for the slightest slip-up.
Before you feel like a bad parent for playing favorites, know this: Treating your oldest child differently than your youngest is totally normal.
Scientists from Temple University decided to study the effects of holding the eldest child to a higher standard then their siblings, and found that not only do most parents treat their oldest offspring differently in order to set an example for the rest of the children, but most first-borns don't become bitter about this so-called unfair treatment later in life. If fact, they turn out just as content as their brother or sister.
Older kids who were married and had children of their own tended to have a more positive recollection of their childhood, say scientists. These findings may suggest that life experience acts as a filter for remembering childhood memories.
So many parents worry about saying the wrong thing or what effect the outcome of our parenting will have on our kids when they get older. And plenty stress if they don't treat their kids equally. However, sometimes it's impossible to be totally fair, and it's nice to know that down the line, it may not even matter.
Tell us: Do you treat your kids equally?
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- 13 Comments
i dont treat my kids the same im harder on the boys they also happen to be older then the girls they also keep the girls in line and i think the older ones need to be rolemodles for the younger children
My kids are only 6 1/2 and 1 1/2 so we’ll see when the baby gets older if I treat them differently. I was the oldest and had 2 little brothers. I got grounded for every little thing and they both got away with muder (not really!)!! If I skipped a class, I got grounded for a week. When my middle brother skipped too much and then dropped out a month before graduation, they were pissed, but I don’t remember much punishment. Of course, he was a jerk and didn’t care and would leave the house if they told him to stay. Thank God he has grown up now!!
I got away with anything i wanted. My older sister got away with nothing. To be honest I wish they would have been alot harder on me. My school suffered and i did things i should not have.
I disagree with the study. Because my parents were harder on me and held me in higher standards than my siblings, I have a issue with people touching me, I get angry quickly and if I do not have a plan for the days ahead I panic and have a nervous breakdown. Ever since I was 12 I took care of my three younger siblings, and did the best I could to get my father and mother to praise me. I remember once I got second place to a trivial contest and my parents, once they picked me up, asked me, “Is that good then?”
The harder parents are on their eldest may cause problems in the future.
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You deserve a break today!
As a former psychotherapist, and now as a “mommy coach”, I was surprised that the first born , according to the research, showed no resentment towards younger siblings when put to a stricter standard. That has not been my experience with most of my clients, where the oldest one resented the stricter discipline and equated that with being loved less. I would think that the attitude also depends on many factors, not least of which is how the parents approached the discipline.
I was a first born and the way my brother and I were treated was very disproportionate.
They bought him better clothes, he had fewer chores, he could stay out later etc..
It doesn’t cause problems? These people are amazingly delusional.
My husband was treated in the same manner and we are from different countries US/UK.
Even to this day, both sets of parents bend over backwards for our siblings( financially, socially) and only call us when they ”need” something!!
Things like there furniture moved, a hotel booked on-line, help with painting.
Its mostly manual labour and situations they are too lazy or inept to do something themselves or pay someone else to do it.
Recently, we both stopped jumping when our”parents” call. Telling them no we are not available. My mother burst into tears( she lives in the states) what can I do for her. My husbands parents got deeply offended an called him rude.
They didn’t have a trump card because he paid for his own car, insurance, clothes and University education. Which we are now paying off.
We lived there for 5 months when we got married paid rent and electric/water, so they just called him ”rude”.
Mostly, I have noticed oldest get treated like slaves and starter children. You know the practice child, until we get the ones we really love!
I treat both of my kids diffrently im harder on my oldest but it has paid off he is a very polit 3 year old who cleans up after himself he knows what is expected from him and now his younger brother has picked up his behavors and my oldest get really happy beacuse he has showed his brother how to act so i think its ok to be a little harder on the oldest child.
This is so true and my husband says it to me all of the time. My oldest, who is now 10, does get in trouble more than his two younger siblings…I am just glad I am not the only mom out there…
I’m sorry, but I would have to totally disagree with the conclusion of this study. I was a first born child, and I was definitely held to a much higher standard with stricter rules. As an adult, I still have issues of resentment with my parents for the double-standard they imposed on me versus my younger siblings. It made me feel very unloved and I felt I was the “targeted” child.
iOAPLE comment1 ,
well i just skimmed this to be honest but i have a few things to say. it is true that most treat there kids different which is normal because they are different people; however, if your to hard on your oldest then they will rebel and that could be a horrible influence on the younger ones. one of my best friends growing up had and older brother who constantly got yelled at for the simplest things and not only did he frequently yell, swear, and terrorize the others, but he would also run away and got involved with drugs and drinking. it was so bad that if the parents were going some where even though they had 2 children old enough to watch the youngest ones, if he was home theyd have to call a babysitter that was an adult to make sure that he didnt hurt them and to keep him in track. he left home at 17 and then moved back, was a cutter and no matter what just hated his parents. and even his sister (my friend) saw why. they were mean, wouldnt let him do anything even if it wasnt harmful to anyone.
as a parent you have to know to forgive and forget, because when you get mad at your children for the same things over and over even if they do nothing wrong, why would they ever want to love you?
it got to the point where they would take and break his things, he was always grounded, couldnt do anything even if he had been being good for weeks. they even had a lock on the tv so that he couldnt use it unless he asked his sister, a perminent lock that they never took off all through high school.
he had gone to a camp once or kids strugling with problems like his and he had gotten alot better, much nicer even, but when he got home they made a mistake. they treated him the exact same as before.
now tell me how can you stay nice if your being yelled at for things you already apologized for many times? if you already went to the lengths of being away from home for 6 weeks getting clean and becomeing a new person?
well i just thought id share that so you all keep in mind that if you punish some one enough they stop caring what you think, what you say, and about you.
becareful parents!
My boys are very different from eachother. I treat each according to age, event and behavior. Well, at least I try.