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The Recession is Killing My Vagina

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This economic downturn is having a very serious effect on everything in my life. But most worrying is what it's doing to my vagina.

woman stuck in toilet seat

Radical Mommy: When times were "good," I thought nothing of spending $100 for a mani-pedi, $600 to get my hair done, and $75 to get my bikini line waxed. Sadly, those days are gone, gone, gone and I've been forced to come up with ways to achieve maximum beauty (you'd be laughing at that if you saw what I look like) for minimum cost.

One of my more brilliant ideas to save money was to attempt to wax my OWN bikini line. That's right, ladies, I decided that I would heat up a pot of wax to just about scalding and then apply it to my "pussoire" with a wooden stick.

In case none of you have been thrifty enough (read: downright idiotic enough) to try this, there's a reason that we actually pay other people to manhandle our (lower) lips. The reason? Because it's damn near impossible to stand up, bend over, apply wax and rip it off yourself without falling over.

After trying it standing up once -- and damn near killing myself -- I decided that I'd probably be better off if I sat on the toilet seat and applied the wax. At first, I thought this was a FAB idea ... but as I started applying the wax and as the wax started to start dripping down my beav like lava out of a volcano, I realized I was wrong, very wrong.

Before I knew it (and before I could do anything about it), my poor, delicate punany was stuck to the toilet seat. In case you're not sure what that's like, allow your mind to wander to that sweet little boy in the classic holiday tale "A Christmas Story." You remember him -- he decided to lick an icy-cold pole and his tongue got stuck. Well, imagine if that was your vageene stuck to the pole - then you might have an idea how much pain I was in!

After recovering from the initial shock of being stuck by the lips to a toilet seat, I was able think rationally. I called out to my husband who was in the other room and ordered him to bring me a knife -- STAT. I won't even go into the questions I had to answer to get him to actually get me the knife but suffice to say that I convinced him of its necessity and was handed a steely cold dinner knife.

What happened next is not for the faint of heart. After evaluating what was wax and what was lip, I began trying to pry the wax free. At first, I gingerly tapped away at the wax hoping that it would come free of the toilet seat. It didn't. Determined to free myself, I started hacking more viciously - so much so that I actually took a little chip out of the seat. Finally I was standing, free from the toilet seat's death grip on my ho-ha. It wasn't over though. I still had to face the fact that my most private parts were smothered in dry wax -- not good.

After further investigation (imagine me with one foot on the seat and my torso contorted), I decided that the only chance I had of getting rid of this hideous mess was to just rip it off. And that's what I did. I grabbed one side of the blob and just rrriiiiiiiiiippppppedddddd. Thank God the wax came off, but not without a lot of pain, some skin and all of my dignity.

Needless to say, I will not be trying that again and I only hope that both I (and my husband) can adjust to the new recession "au natural" me.

next: Gloria Allred Wants to Rescue the Octuplets!
55 comments so far | Post a comment now
Drew February 19, 2009, 12:17 PM

For the past 6 months I have gone au naturelle because quite frankly I’m sick of paying $10 for razors that will last a week to tackle this job. Not only that, the upkeep is time consuming. My husband hates it and won’t come near me but oh well. This mom has more on her mind than making her coochie look pretty in an ugly economy…

Jill February 19, 2009, 12:27 PM

A $600 hair cut, really? That was putting her over the edge financially?

Nancy February 19, 2009, 12:35 PM

I know the feeling, I have resorted to coloring my owe hair and saving about $60 and as far as hair cuts go, I haven’t had one in about 4 months. Have to wait for the income tax refund for that, I will not attempt to cut my owe hair but I must say that my hair is actually a prettier color with Miss Clariol than what I get from the salon.

Anonymous February 19, 2009, 12:44 PM

OMG that is SO funny, sorry for your pain and discomfort! but you are crazy to spend 600 bucks on your hair!!!! hopefully you meant 600/year!

Gigohead  February 19, 2009, 3:36 PM

Even the mani pedi is overpriced. The nail salon across the street has $21 mani/pedi Mon throu Wednesday.

lowfuellevel February 19, 2009, 7:54 PM

$600 for a haircut? I have never spent money that casually and don’t really understand how someone could. Luckily, I have always been frugal. I became disabled several yrs. ago & only make a fraction of what I used to make. Yet, I have been able to keep my home & put two kids thru college. It’s really simple, don’t buy what you don’t need to survive & what you don’t have cash to pay for. Those monies spent on expensive haircuts and pampering would have been better saved. Also, can’t you and your hubby hot wax each other or what about a girlfriend?

Mom2two February 19, 2009, 9:10 PM

Okay “Radical Mommy” how exactly does one go from paying $600 for a haircut to going so far as to allowing 16 days to pass without washing your hair AND these days just wetting your hair once or twice a week. Isn’t that what you wrote in “I admit it, I’m gross”. Or maybe it was spending an unimaginable $600 on your hair that made you want to go 16 days without washing it. A gross attempt to get your money’s worth.

You don’t have to go from one extreme to the next. Overspending to not spending at all. Give basic hygiene a try…I’m sure your husband will love you for it.

Bec Thomas February 19, 2009, 10:01 PM

That was really funny, and painful!

P February 20, 2009, 9:36 AM

Spend $15 bucks on a real razor, not a disposable, and mow the lawn twice a week so it doesn’t get out of hand. It takes two minutes. Gawd. Princesses…

N February 20, 2009, 11:07 AM

I’d think saving the $600 alone on the haircut would enable her to get the waxing.

I’m single and not seeing anyone so I don’t bother with too much maintenance down there. No need for it really. When the time comes and someone is interested in a visit to the kitty farm, then I’ll work on it. In the meantime, if you have a hubby that won’t man up because of a little extra hair, then he likely doesn’t deserve to be down there anyway. Tell him to wax, see how he likes it.

Anonymous February 20, 2009, 3:54 PM

$600.00 for a haircut
$100.00 for a manicure
$75.00 for a bikini wax.

And people wonder why most of this country is in debt. It’s for stupid crap like this!

BrendaM February 21, 2009, 10:57 PM

This is the most ridiculous thing I have read. If you weren’t spending that much for your hair (on your head) than you could still afford the professional wax. Ha Ha Ha. So shallow!!!!!

Amy March 6, 2009, 9:44 PM

Your vagina is not the same thing as you bikini area.

bob baks May 31, 2009, 9:41 PM

Lady, you’re a nitwit.

Amy Too June 1, 2009, 3:52 PM

Honey, get over yourself. I’m hoping the $600 was a typo for $60, which is still too much, IMO.

I’ve never ever waxed or shaved there, I’ve been married nearly 15 years, and my husband has no problem with it.

Get a life.

Anonymous June 2, 2009, 7:06 PM


KYM June 10, 2009, 7:01 PM

You all know that you can pick up all the stuff ya need to do at home right at your local Sally’s store.. It won’t cost ya but maybe 40.00 dollars to get started, and you can use different kinds of wax to do your bikini, eyebrows,upper lip,etc… should last ya more than a year… what a savings.

Fhvblbbj June 28, 2009, 12:20 AM

xqpVtH comment5 ,

Julia thornton June 30, 2009, 5:23 PM

I went to get a wax & she felt as if she thought I should go for a brazilian & began to stip me naked. I suffered for awhile then as she got closer to sensitive skin I had to stop her.

Great site. Keep doing.

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