twitter facebook stumble upon rss

The Recession is Killing My Vagina

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

This economic downturn is having a very serious effect on everything in my life. But most worrying is what it's doing to my vagina.

woman stuck in toilet seat

Radical Mommy: When times were "good," I thought nothing of spending $100 for a mani-pedi, $600 to get my hair done, and $75 to get my bikini line waxed. Sadly, those days are gone, gone, gone and I've been forced to come up with ways to achieve maximum beauty (you'd be laughing at that if you saw what I look like) for minimum cost.

One of my more brilliant ideas to save money was to attempt to wax my OWN bikini line. That's right, ladies, I decided that I would heat up a pot of wax to just about scalding and then apply it to my "pussoire" with a wooden stick.

In case none of you have been thrifty enough (read: downright idiotic enough) to try this, there's a reason that we actually pay other people to manhandle our (lower) lips. The reason? Because it's damn near impossible to stand up, bend over, apply wax and rip it off yourself without falling over.

After trying it standing up once -- and damn near killing myself -- I decided that I'd probably be better off if I sat on the toilet seat and applied the wax. At first, I thought this was a FAB idea ... but as I started applying the wax and as the wax started to start dripping down my beav like lava out of a volcano, I realized I was wrong, very wrong.

Before I knew it (and before I could do anything about it), my poor, delicate punany was stuck to the toilet seat. In case you're not sure what that's like, allow your mind to wander to that sweet little boy in the classic holiday tale "A Christmas Story." You remember him -- he decided to lick an icy-cold pole and his tongue got stuck. Well, imagine if that was your vageene stuck to the pole - then you might have an idea how much pain I was in!

After recovering from the initial shock of being stuck by the lips to a toilet seat, I was able think rationally. I called out to my husband who was in the other room and ordered him to bring me a knife -- STAT. I won't even go into the questions I had to answer to get him to actually get me the knife but suffice to say that I convinced him of its necessity and was handed a steely cold dinner knife.

What happened next is not for the faint of heart. After evaluating what was wax and what was lip, I began trying to pry the wax free. At first, I gingerly tapped away at the wax hoping that it would come free of the toilet seat. It didn't. Determined to free myself, I started hacking more viciously - so much so that I actually took a little chip out of the seat. Finally I was standing, free from the toilet seat's death grip on my ho-ha. It wasn't over though. I still had to face the fact that my most private parts were smothered in dry wax -- not good.

After further investigation (imagine me with one foot on the seat and my torso contorted), I decided that the only chance I had of getting rid of this hideous mess was to just rip it off. And that's what I did. I grabbed one side of the blob and just rrriiiiiiiiiippppppedddddd. Thank God the wax came off, but not without a lot of pain, some skin and all of my dignity.

Needless to say, I will not be trying that again and I only hope that both I (and my husband) can adjust to the new recession "au natural" me.




next: Gloria Allred Wants to Rescue the Octuplets!
55 comments so far | Post a comment now
colors of valium July 2, 2009, 6:19 PM

It is the coolest site, keep so!

drug abuse and soma July 4, 2009, 6:58 AM

Great work, webmaster, nice design!

ultram lexapro interaction July 5, 2009, 4:35 PM

Great site. Keep doing.

Perfect work!

womens use of viagra July 8, 2009, 3:16 PM

Incredible site!

amitriptyline tramadol July 10, 2009, 1:34 AM

Incredible site!

effects od tramadol July 10, 2009, 6:10 AM

Perfect work!

buy xanax by electronic check July 10, 2009, 8:21 AM

Incredible site!

tramadol hcl medication July 11, 2009, 8:57 PM

It is the coolest site, keep so!

baby saved by viagra July 30, 2009, 10:44 PM

Incredible site!

Beautiful site!

no alternitive adipex August 1, 2009, 12:30 AM

Very interesting site. Hope it will always be alive!

Kathy August 3, 2009, 2:59 AM

I lauphed my butt off when I read this thanks for the lauphs

viagra August 11, 2009, 5:48 AM

I will allways read it

znakomstva August 11, 2009, 10:22 AM

e-mailed on rss

intim August 12, 2009, 9:32 AM

Now i can say thank you

viagra August 13, 2009, 5:33 AM

Now i can say thank you

A straight guy who knows too much September 18, 2009, 11:31 PM

you should try sugaring, but do your research first.

Pharmd901 September 26, 2009, 7:31 AM

Very nice site!

lelsBoymbob September 29, 2009, 9:59 AM

Hello! Repentant klooper notwithstanding my english jer, buti danged nice re say gJ$)Kd!!!.


Back to top >>
advertisement