Paul Starke: Luke turns 1 in a few weeks, and we're stressing out over planning his birthday party. I'm not sure why we're stressing out exactly, since he won't remember it, and will likely sleep/poop/cry during the whole event (oddly enough, I reacted the same way at my 30th birthday party). Apparently, this shindig requires a "theme" of sorts, something to tie the whole day together through activities and decorations. My wife charged me with this responsibility. I decided that I'd come up with the worst themes possible, so that she wouldn't ask me to do this ever again. Here now are the "12 Worst Baby Birthday Party Themes."

1 - "The Industrial Revolution" - I don't see what's wrong with this one. I think babies would find a papier mache replica of a Watt Steam engine fascinating, don't you?

2 - "The World of H&R Block" - Luke was born on April 15th (Tax Day) at 10:40. We could rent the back room of an H&R Block, and hand out fun, colorful W2 forms in a goodie bag.

3 - "Oliver Twist" - We'll transform a playspace into a 19th century orphanage, and let kids make their own gruel. If it's nice out, we'll go pickpocketing in the park.

4 - "Atlantic City Bus Trip" - Nothing says "fun" like a 3 hour drive to New Jersey. Throw in 25 bucks in chips and an all-you-can eat buffet, and you've got a day the whole family can enjoy.

5 - "Geometry" - It's never too early to introduce kids to the world of Pythagorean proofs. Don't forget your compasses and graph paper!

6 - "Li'l Studio 54" - The late 70's in New York were glamorous and sexy. And at the center of it all was the legendary nightclub, Studio 54. Kids will be encouraged to dress as their favorite Studio 54 personality (Margaret Trudeau, Andy Warhol); doors open at 2am.

7 - "The Films of Philip Seymour Hoffman" - This theme is good for cold weather. Invite all the little ones over for a triple-feature of "Capote", "Charlie Wilson's War", and "The Savages." Panel discussion and Q&A to follow.

8 - "Behind the Scenes at the DMV" - This is a fun, free way to celebrate your child's birthday and the wonders of a crippling bureaucracy in one, very long day. Plus, each kid will get their own blurry, unsmiling picture of themselves to cherish forever.

9 - "Mah Jongg Lessons from Grandma" - This ancient game will teach kids skill, strategy, and calculation. If the kids sit quietly for the 2 hour demonstration, Grandma will hand out coupons for caramels.

10 - "The OTB" - Why ride ponies when you can wager on them in a depressing, poorly lit establishment?

11 - "Civil War Reenactment Party" - Apparently, these are all the rage. Dress your child up in Blue or Gray, and watch as the tiny confederacy crawls to a Fisher Price Fort Sumter.

12 - "90 Minutes of Noise, Followed by Cake" - I think we're going to go with this one.

Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, "An Inconvenient Book."