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Spare Us News On Your Kid's Bowel Movements

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Childless Bitch: Dear Mommies,

annoyed woman in computer

As a vacant vessel -- read: lady without a baby, I am here to throw some enlightenment your way regarding a specific Facebook phenomenon. New moms, especially the stay at home type, have taken to their Facebook status updates as a means of letting the world know every detail of their spawn's daily developments. Those developments range from the earth shattering napping schedule to the awesomeness of little Jaden's first poopy in the big boy potty. While these updates might not be news, the reaction to those updates by the non-babied community probably is. For real, '[name redacted] is smiling at her baby because she is using a fork' is driving us bananas.

The internets have heard the public outcry of the child-free and have given us this little website in return. Shut the F*&% Up Parents is a collection of Facebook status updates that make our eggs instantly dry up. It documents every offense from using your baby's face as your profile picture to thoughts on burying placenta in the backyard. Yes, non-mommies find these tidbits offensive - as in OMG, we really don't care that you are about to walk your infant to the duck park.

True, we non-parents can also be boring as hell in our status updates, 'Jen loves peanut butter - YUMMY!' but usually we're not as consistent.

This is what we're talking about behind your baby bjorn'd backs, just thought you should know. And trust, it's definitely not because we're jealous.


Love,
CB


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65 comments so far | Post a comment now
Bethany March 17, 2009, 9:08 AM

Go Jaden! my boy still won’t poop in the potty! but he’s working on it! :)

melissa March 17, 2009, 10:05 AM

wow, that’s a nasty little diatribe…..

Anonymous March 17, 2009, 10:12 AM

I don’t want to hear about anyone’s boring day.

ame i. March 17, 2009, 10:25 AM

I’m a stay at home type, but but my children are 11 and 9. Even when my kids were “new”, I knew that no one excluding my parents gave a rat’s behind about all the small, redundant details.
The only time I mentioned anything about poop was when daughter the second went 5 days without doing it at 9 months old so my dad could stay with my older child while mom and I took the clogged-up lil girl to the clinic.

Stacey March 17, 2009, 10:49 AM

Love this article, CB! No one wants to be hear about anyone’s feces. Get and clue and a life.

Janna March 17, 2009, 10:52 AM

I find it ironic that my friends with the most interesting lives post the least about themselves. The ones with regular jaunts to foreign lands and interviews with prominent politicians are more likely to make their status update about world affairs, while the suburban mom who rarely strays from her town or her routine blogs about nothing but her own life.

Anonymous March 17, 2009, 11:04 AM

You are all very mean. If you don’t like it or it bores you then don’t read it!!! One writes about what is in there life at the moment so if you are in some great job good for you but do not attack stay at home moms and make it sound like we are stupid and have nothing important to say. How but you STFU!!

PrettySprinkles March 17, 2009, 11:06 AM

If you don’t want to read websites where people talk about their children, don’t visit them. Us mothers become a little obsessed about bowel habits in our kids because they are often the most effective way of monitoring their health. It’s no worse than non-parents asking for advice online about symptoms and health advice etc.

Amelia March 17, 2009, 11:07 AM

Love it!

rugbymom March 17, 2009, 11:26 AM

If that is how you feel, then maybe you should not ‘befriend’ people with children on FB, then you can stay safe within your cacoon(not sure i spelled that right…). And everybody has stupid things to say on their status, children or childless. Take another zoloft and stay away from people who care about every little detail concerning their children. Sad thing is, I used to be somewhat like you, till I got pregnant. But you cannot explain that to someone who is “a vacant vessel.”

A mom March 17, 2009, 11:38 AM

Pretty, monitoring your child’s health is different from announcing to everyone on your FB page that your child pooped. No one cares. Why can’t you quietly take note that your child had a BM then move on? It just makes moms and dads seem vapid.

Julie March 17, 2009, 11:45 AM

Just put the cutest pigtails in my daughters hair who by the way just had the best biggest poop ever! I am now going to load her picture to my facebook profile and chat with others about what she is having for lunch. Well that is all for now as I am a stay at home mom “type” so I have nothing worthy or important to say :)

Anonymous March 17, 2009, 11:55 AM

Julie I’m sure you do have something important to say but since you probably never actually let anything important slip from your mouth, what do you expect when people think you have nothing else to talk about?

Julie March 17, 2009, 12:09 PM

to Anonymous
seeing as I have never spoken with you, you would have no idea whether anything important has or has not slipped from my mouth. I believe everyone - stay at home mom or high powered career women-should be able to speak about what ever the hell they want. Again if you don’t like then don’t read it. I also talk about many more things than my children and their poop as I am sure most mom’s do.

well March 17, 2009, 12:19 PM

simple solution…don’t go on their facebook! Don’t read the status updates. It’s plain and simple. Quit bitching about it and just quit reading the updates! DUH!

Cristy March 17, 2009, 12:28 PM

If you’re that upset over status on FB, GET RID OF THOSE PEOPLE!!! It’s not that freaking hard! Are you kidding me? Get new friends! Ones without kids perhaps?

Seriously. Get fired up over something real.

cyndi March 17, 2009, 12:35 PM

I am a mom with 7 kids, ages 6-26, and I totally get that no one but my sister and their grandparents want to hear the details. I don’t understand why people don’t get it. It’s the same with people with pets—same thing…nobody cares but you. Sorry it sounds harsh, but it’s the truth!

Jen March 17, 2009, 12:37 PM

I know that having a child becomes a parent’s primary focus and they want to share their experiences with their friends/family. And I know we don’t have to read it but I do want to know what’s happening with my friends. But sometimes it would be nice to know what else is happening besides poo and sleeping schedules.

Amy March 17, 2009, 1:05 PM

Cyndi, I totally agree. THANK YOU! I actually said this in another post but it didn’t get posted, not sure why! I wasn’t offensive! lol. When my friends without kids talk about their dogs like they are children I kind of giggle. They do it too! ha ha

Ida March 17, 2009, 1:59 PM

Wow, CB, I wanna be your FB friend!! Pretty please? That way I can update you on all sorts of kiddie poops and turds, as it seems to reflect on the quality of your life! Oh, just kidding. I get this is just a joke, right? hahaha


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