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Spare Us News On Your Kid's Bowel Movements

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Childless Bitch: Dear Mommies,

annoyed woman in computer

As a vacant vessel -- read: lady without a baby, I am here to throw some enlightenment your way regarding a specific Facebook phenomenon. New moms, especially the stay at home type, have taken to their Facebook status updates as a means of letting the world know every detail of their spawn's daily developments. Those developments range from the earth shattering napping schedule to the awesomeness of little Jaden's first poopy in the big boy potty. While these updates might not be news, the reaction to those updates by the non-babied community probably is. For real, '[name redacted] is smiling at her baby because she is using a fork' is driving us bananas.

The internets have heard the public outcry of the child-free and have given us this little website in return. Shut the F*&% Up Parents is a collection of Facebook status updates that make our eggs instantly dry up. It documents every offense from using your baby's face as your profile picture to thoughts on burying placenta in the backyard. Yes, non-mommies find these tidbits offensive - as in OMG, we really don't care that you are about to walk your infant to the duck park.

True, we non-parents can also be boring as hell in our status updates, 'Jen loves peanut butter - YUMMY!' but usually we're not as consistent.

This is what we're talking about behind your baby bjorn'd backs, just thought you should know. And trust, it's definitely not because we're jealous.


next: How Has Motherhood Changed YOU?
65 comments so far | Post a comment now
Sally April 4, 2009, 11:45 PM

I’m not a “vacant vessel” and I still don’t want to hear about other people’s children and especially their bowel movements. You can talk about whatever you want but don’t be upset when people assume you are nothing more than the stay-at-home type.

Personally I also hate children’s choirs. I do not want to hear other people’s children sing off key. Why don’t people understand that unless I know them well I don’t give a crap about their child.

emily April 7, 2009, 12:51 AM

wow you must not understand that the main reason you were put on the planet was to be fruitful and multiply…even if you arent religious, children are a natural progression of most everyone’s life. well unlselfish people anyway. if you were a mom you would understand the joy and sense of accomplishment when your little one poops in the potty for the first time or just babbles on and on. kids arent for everyone but to complain because women use an outlet like facebook to alert her friends and family whats the main focus in their life seems like wasted time. i mean really how does it bother you? are you that far up your own butt that you dont realize that you can still keep you identity but live vicariously through your children. get over yourself, and i hope you get pregnant…

Kelly April 9, 2009, 8:01 PM

I know your pain CB. You had a cold uncaring mother that is now begging you for grandchildren. Of course this desire is just for show(Her friend’s daughters are all mothers or are pregnant now- and she feels left out.)If CB were to really have a child the Grandmother would quickly loose interest as the newness of the event wore off and CB would go back to the same old disfunctional relationship with her mom that she always had before -and she knows this. So the only way to truly get at her mother for her lonely, sad upbringing is to very publicly attack mothers and motherhood itself. Way to go!

Tattoo stew! April 10, 2009, 10:19 PM

ITS about time!!!

Stew! April 16, 2009, 9:04 PM

It makes me choke every-time i read a kid post and i have kids!! .. its about time we has a group to show our disgust .. these poor kids being exploited online by their parents without a say ..

SA May 12, 2009, 8:31 PM

Wow, Emily I hope that was a joke. So basically a woman’s purpose in life is to have children, and if she doesn’t she is selfish? You just set women back at least 50 years, probably more like 100. Thanks for that.
“Living vicariously” through anyone is not living. If your entire identity is your child, that is just sad.

Grainne Gillespie July 8, 2009, 9:48 AM

You hope CB gets pregnant, Emily?

You do realise that in this day and age there’s no obligation for a woman to go through with said pregnancy if she falls pregnant, do you?

It’s called abortion and I won’t be going through with any potential pregnancies either.

Tanya July 25, 2009, 9:05 PM

Hmmm. I would understand and agree if we were talking about Twitter (that seems to be more about microblogging and “newsworthy” things, but Facebook? Facebook is all about sharing the mundane and wonderful things in your life within your social network. I’d rather read about my friends’ children than see the results of yet another pointless quiz they have taken. Plus, if it’s that annoying you can just hide that user’s status updates and still keep them as a friend.

Ava July 31, 2009, 2:39 PM

as a mother who realizes that i have an identity besides “mommy”, i agree. completely. dear women who can’t stop talking about their children and post TMI about the lives of their children (have you ever once thought about how your inane status updates, there for all the world to see, will affect your children in the future, you selfish hags?): it’s time to get out of the house. sincerely, a well balanced mother

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Sarah August 30, 2010, 6:05 PM

Good for you.

The new range of Facebook statuses going around that because someone has given birth, means their life has meaning, gives me the $hits. So I don’t have kids, doesn’t mean my life is less important.

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Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

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