Katie Wisdom Weinstein: Facebook mommy is....so excited there was no tinkle in the diaper today!

Facebook mommy is ... trying to find friends on FB so I don't kill my children.

I love Facebook and I am a mom. Those two things are mutually exclusive. I have Facebook so that I can look up old boyfriends and possibly regain some of the popularity I had in Middle School. I do not use Facebook to get child rearing advice from total strangers. There are some twisted, weird moms out there!

Now, let's clarify. Most of my Facebook friends are not my real friends. Ouch. I know, 7th grade, right? Exactly. But I do not want to know about the FB tinkle -- those are inner family celebrations. I do not want to give advice to other people about their baby's rashes. What I do want is to look closely at the babies and the children and decide if I am doing a better job than you. I know you are doing the same.

I do not really want my FB friends to meet my kids in person. My kids will call each other "douchebag" and blow my perfect-mom cover. They will quote Family Guy and you will know I let my kids watch totally inappropriate shows. I prefer posting the occasional moment of brilliance picture. I might have a Facebook façade.

If you search Facebook Mommies you will a find a startling amount of groups. I even found a website that helps mommies hook up nationally so you can then go "Friend" each other on Facebook! Is it loneliness? Is it the need to have something in common with the other two billion mothers in the world? I was shocked to find that the same website has something called the "showdown", where "Showdowns are a just-for-fun way to challenge another mom to a photo contest. Cast your vote!" I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Do not Facebook Friend me, you evil version of a mother. This parenting business is not a contest!

I have three dear friends and they do not go on and on about their children on Facebook. We know how to go have a good glass of wine and dish about everyone we know. We talk old boyfriends, husbands, admit our faults and talk children. If we talk a little First Poop on the Potty, it means something. We do this face to face, not on Facebook.