My BFF Dumped Me Because I'm Pregnant

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My BFF Dumped Me Because I'm Pregnant

Friday, March 6, 2009

filed under: family

As soon as I told my bestie I was pregnant, she withdrew herself from me. And when I found out why, I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anyway.

Momlogic's Talitha: There are friends in my life that are closer than family, and though that is an amazingly deep connection, in some cases, it can be too much. When I announced to my best friend that I was pregnant, rather than being happy for me, she was more concerned about herself, and where she was in her life ... or better yet, where she wasn't. Rather than reveling in the moment with me, she whined about "when was it going to be her time to have babies," she was the "older one after all." I found this deeply disturbing . Though I understand the pressure one feels about marriage, pregnancy and age, I don't think it should take away from another person's happiness.

When she asked me not to talk about my pregnancy "as much as I did," I was done. She claimed that, because of her age, it was very upsetting for her to hear about the pregnancy, and "did I know just how much I talked about it?" Let's rewind: She got mad at me for talking about the single most important thing that's ever happened to me, because of her own feelings of inadequacy. Umm. No.

I understand that it must be hard when a close friend gets something you really want, or when a younger sister gets married before the older one. I understand what it's like to be single and alone, wondering when your time is going to come. But never would I make my friends edit themselves because of my own issues. I may come home and cry about it, and maybe I'd even cry to them about it, but I wouldn't ask them not to express their joy.

Truth is, it's my time to be selfish, and I don't want to be surrounded by negative energy. I would normally try to work through it and edit myself, and be the compassionate one, but I'm not going to do it this time. I want to talk about my baby and my pregnancy and my hormones and my growing belly, and my delivery and everything else whenever I want to. And it looks like it will have to be without her.

28 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

It took me 7 years to get pregnant. I have many friends with as many as 4 children. Each time they told me they were pregnant I was excited for them. It is a blessing and it deserves some excited squeals. A real friend doesn’t act like that.

- Jennifer

Posted 03/05/09 06:16 AM

You must be very young if you still think emotions define people. Your despairing BFF could very well turn out to be your best babysitter a year from now, and all those squealing joy mongers nowhere to be found the second you want to spend a little ‘baby-free’ time. As to her reaction, she seems to be in shock, as only the accomplishment of a very close friend or family member can bring on. It’s all hit home for her now, that she may never get pregnant. Anything could have brought on her despair, had you lost weight instead of getting pregnant for example. Unfortunately, it just so happens pregnancy is her hot button. And what a sad button it is! Would you feel sorry for her if an illness had brought on her infertility, as opposed to age? To her it’s all the same thing, and as inconvenient as it is to you, stop feeling so entitled to a ‘perfect’ pregnancy with ‘perfect’ reactions’ and get on the reality train already and help your friend any way you can.

- Harriet

Posted 03/05/09 09:56 AM

You just lost dead weight. No friend acts like that.

- Anonymous

Posted 03/05/09 10:03 AM

Are you talking about it 24/7 to her? She may have a point. Try seeing it from her side.

- Anonymous

Posted 03/05/09 10:21 AM

Maybe she was just sick of hearing you go on and on about it? No matter how much someone loves you and is happy for you, they really don’t want to hear about each second of your pregnancy.

- Julie

Posted 03/05/09 10:21 AM

I think you do have every right to be excited about your pregnancy. But has it taken over all your conversation? Have you asked your friend about her life lately and what has been on her mind? She didn’t ask you never to talk about it again, only to cut down on baby conversation. I admire her for telling you how she felt instead of just sitting there resenting you. And no, it’s not your “time to be selfish”. That’s just a justification you’re using to make yourself feel better. Friendship is a two way street. Your friend told you how she was feeling. Respect that and the courage it took her to tell you. If you want to pull back from the frienship, fine. But acknowledge that you are part of the problem too.

- Robynn

Posted 03/05/09 10:45 AM

Robynn, I think you are right on! I am not a mom yet but all of my friends are. I enjoy hearing their pregnancy and kid stories but sometimes it is a bit much. I have had conversations where we have ONLY talking about pregnancy. I don’t expect my friends to just focus on me but it would be nice for someone to ask and seem interested in my job or just to chat about current events. Friendship is give and take, and like Robynn pointed out so well, being pregnant is not a license “to be selfish”.

- Jen

Posted 03/05/09 11:15 AM

I agree with Robynn. I’m a mother of 2 and I have some women that I work with who can NEVER talk about anything but their kids! Trust me, I love my kids but I’m not only a mother but also a women, friend, sister, daughter, wife, worker and many other things and you need to be able to converse about many other parts of your life too.

- chris

Posted 03/05/09 12:13 PM

My closest friend “dumped” me . Our split startd because she did not feel is was fair for me to complain about my 24/7 vomiting for 9.5 months (when you are sick you realize the extra .5!) When i got the courage to tell her i was disappointed in her pulling away from me (we used to see each other weekly- now it was less than once a month- and we were best friends, she told me i was “emotionally abusive” (i certainly am not- she just couldn’t tolerate for once my asserting my feelings as opposed to taking care of her- this difference was so wounding to her it probably felt abusive). She dumped me when my son was 8 days old. 5 years later, we finally have become acquaintances again, but i can never trust her.

- Anonymous

Posted 03/05/09 12:45 PM

no matter what a friend should be happy for you-if it upsets her she should talk about that too but not expect you to alter yourself for her,. because of her own issues of inadequacy. It sounds like she’s got a lot of issues and you don’t need that bad energy around right now.

- jackie

Posted 03/05/09 12:47 PM

Oh, girl, that really stinks. I don’t think she is/was as good a friend as you thought. How shallow and petty of her to be acting as she is. Life and major life events are not a race. She has issues that you can’t and should not even try to “fix” for her. I was married for 8 years before having my first daughter after trying for 1 year. I was 30 when daughter the 1st was born, 32 when I had daughter the 2nd. I don’t remember feeling snippy when most of my friends had children before I did. I could have had my daughters when I was younger, but waited, partly because my (now late) husband had a horrific childhood and didn’t think he would be a good parent. He was still hesitant when I decided I did want children. We lost him 6 years ago due to cancer, and I can’t imagine how my life would be if I didn’t have my girls.

- ame i.

Posted 03/05/09 01:25 PM

She didn’t ask you NOT to express your joy she asked you NOT to express it as much as you did. Geesh. You got pregnant. Congratulations. It’s an important aspect of YOUR life but that doesn’t mean your friend has to be over the moon about it 24/7 either. Did you have anything else to talk about besides your womb? It’s no different than wedding talk. I’ll be excited for you, I’ll be happy to discuss it with you to a point but realize it’s really only a life changing event for you.

- Weekends Off

Posted 03/05/09 02:37 PM

Pregnant women (and brides to be for that matter) need to learn that these earth shattering, life changing events are really only earth shattering and life changing for YOU. I’d be thrilled to hear my friend was pregnant, I’d be less thrilled to have to hear about it 24/7 for the entire gestation period. I have a feeling your friend got tired about hearing about your womb. And by the way, she didn’t tell you not to talk about it she asked you not to talk about it so much.

- Weekends Off

Posted 03/05/09 02:41 PM

Here’s another reader agreeing with Robynn. Right on! And Anonymous - I won’t want to hear about your 24/7 9 1/2 month of vomitting either. I won’t want to hear about anyone’s Same Problem, Different Day for 9 1/2 months. Yes it was a difficult period for you but there waas nothing your freind could do about so did you ever think maybe it was hard for her to hear about yoru suffering and she couldn’t do anything about? Plus vomitting isn’t always a welcome topic, especially frequent topic - just like bowels movements. People absolutely have low tolerant for those things. I think your friend was not wrong in moving on.

- Chrissy

Posted 03/06/09 12:06 AM

Did she say she has “feelings of inadequacy” or are you just making a judgement on HER? What a horrible thing to say. Of course this is a huge, important life event for you. For YOU. Have some compassion for others who may not be in the same wonderful life moment as you though. You come across as a PregZilla in this post.

- Anonymous

Posted 03/06/09 09:11 AM

add me to the list…Robyn said it very well as someone who had 3 miscarriages and spent a year trying to get pregnant with one child and then the next pregnancy gave birth 3 months early, hearing my friends ‘great news’ was always bitter sweet. I always said how happy I was for them, but inside I was crying…I don’t think I could have handled it if they went on and on cause “it was their selfish time”…that’s just as stupid as eating two Big Mac’s cause you are ‘eating for two’ when the other person is only 4 ounces. I agree with above that you come across as Pregzilla here…your friend didn’t say stop, she said not so much

- theboyzmom

Posted 03/06/09 10:05 AM

I think some people are coming across as pretty harsh here. Just because you don’t want to hear about it doesn’t mean make her feel bad. She’s pregnant and this is her time. Let her enjoy it whether it be talking about it all the time or not. We are only pregnant for 9 months (some of us shorter or longer whatever it may be). These babies grow up and before you know it their living their lives and possibly having babies of their own. It’s life. It’s not always about worrying what others think. Why is it we can’t think of ourselves for once?

- Johanna

Posted 03/06/09 11:38 AM

BTW, this coming from someone who had 2 miscarriages and two preemies. So it’s not like I don’t understand the hurt part of others feelings or that I’m insensitive. We all revel in something, whether it be a new job, a new baby, a wedding or your dog or cat.

- Johanna

Posted 03/06/09 11:40 AM

I don’t think anyone is saying that it is okay to make this woman feel badly. Pregnancy is very exciting but no one wants to hear about pregnancy (or anything else) non-stop. That is fine to just think about yourself and not worry about what others think but then she shouldn’t be surprised if no one wants to hear from her again. Relationships, if they are going to last, are give and take. It sounds like this woman just wants to take.

- Jen

Posted 03/06/09 12:29 PM

When I was planning my wedding I was going on about centerpieces and my sister just turned to me and said “Heather, we get the point. Enough!” It was an eye opener for me! Nobody wants to hear anyone ramble about anything non-stop even when it is the most important thing in your life. So when I was preggers I made sure I was sharing and listening with others.(Sometimes) brides and mamas think they get a free pass to be dominate the conversation and that just isn’t the case.

- Heather

Posted 03/06/09 12:37 PM