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It's a Jungle Down There

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Gay Uncle Brett's expectant friend is in dire need of a wax.

Embarrased woman

Brett Berk: I was recently in Chicago for work, which gave me the opportunity to visit John and Mary. This pair used to be our last set of straight, childless friends. Not anymore.

They're due to have a baby in late April. We know them extremely well. In the "we went to college together/we've gone on two-dozen joint vacations/we have sleepover and skinny-dipping parties" kind of way. So it wasn't exactly surprising when -- sitting in their kitchen -- the subject of Mary's vagina came up. We've seen it many times. We've joked repeatedly about how much sausage it can take. It's been the vessel for smuggling illicit substances on airplanes. It has a cute little Hitler mustache. Or, it used to. "I'm overdue for a wax," she told me. Her husband nodded in sincere agreement.

This seemed suspicious: the first sign of the Mommy's-Let-Herself-Go syndrome, which didn't seem proper for a girl who's always sported a six-pack. My expression must have communicated my concern, because Mary shrugged, defensively, sarcastically. "What?" She patted her soccer-ball belly. "I can't even see it anymore without a mirror. Out of sight, out of mind." I smiled. "Still, you might want to consider doing something about it soon. You're probably in that stubbly, growing out phase." John nodded again. "Make an appointment. You don't want to scratch up the baby's face when it comes out. Infant skin can bruise easily. And permanently."

John and I went downtown that night and had a slumber party at my hotel room, performing an epic mini-bar raid that resulted in security being called. And I had to fly out the next day. So I left it at that. Until momlogic ran its piece on Vaggie Reju (Vaginal Rejuvenation), which reminded me about Mary's cooter. "Did you get on it yet?" I asked. "I want to write about the parturient pu-nana and need graphic details." She wrote back later that day. "I've been putting it off because, as I'm sure you know, a good vag wax lasts only 8 weeks and I'm due in about eight weeks, so I figured I'd wait until it got a little closer, so I won't feel the need to rush right back to the waxer the day after the delivery to keep it all trim and tame down there." This note was even more disturbing to me than her original lack of waxing. I wrote back right away. "Um. You're due in five weeks. Denial!!!" The reply was instantaneous. "Five? Gulp. Maybe it is time to get a wax." It may be her last for some time.

next: An Open Letter to Mamas Everywhere
13 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jean Rubinson March 18, 2009, 11:03 AM

Maybe it is my ancient old age…but did this have something to do with parenting? Oh, well. Funny, anyway.

Aunt Jeannie

a March 18, 2009, 2:24 PM

I was actually a little disturbed by your article. I mean what was the point of this exactly. I think its really gross and rude when other couples talk about eachothers privates- come on privacy please! and please- ” how much sausage it could take”???ugh- seriously- we dont need to hear that!

Anonymous March 18, 2009, 2:40 PM

Good God. THIS is what you think of as a column worthy of writing?

Bec Thomas March 18, 2009, 4:40 PM

Why is a gay guy so concerned about vagina’s?

surely March 18, 2009, 5:18 PM

these comments are just a bunch of hairy cooters being all bitchy cuz they’re self-conscious about the mountain of fur they’re sporting. gross. get a wax. You’re husbands DONT think its sexy.

Junie March 19, 2009, 1:33 AM

I thought it was funny. I think the post was about how even the most asinine women can fall prey to “Mommy’s-Let-Herself-Go syndrome”.
I used to take immaculate care of my body hair, then I got preggers, then it became a hassle … then it became habit. Really, ladies, would YOU like getting scratched while trying to have some fun?

causticmama March 19, 2009, 1:40 PM

Anybody else sick of the idea that if we don’t look like a porn star or a little girl that we are somehow disgusting?

How I keep my snatch should have no bearing on anybody but my husband (who *asks* me to keep it natural) and possibly my gyn. Why do you people care so much if somebody is hairy? How does it affect you, exactly?

romi March 19, 2009, 8:17 PM

Love this post! I actually had a wax the day before I delivered my third child (along with a pre birth pedicure). Let me tell you, I think all involved with holding my legs and groping my nether regions appreciated a groomed birthing mother.

sadly - NJ is threatening to make a brazillian wax illegal! Thoughts on this one uncle?

tobin March 19, 2009, 11:33 PM

I would suggest she put the waxing appointment off until she is prepared to go into labor.

itch March 20, 2009, 1:10 PM

The ‘stubble’! LOL! I hate that phase because it gets soooo itchy down there!

Fashion Merchandising October 12, 2010, 4:30 PM

I like this blog, sharp style! is it a template?

Merchant Account December 23, 2010, 8:11 AM

Great article. I will definitely share this post with my friends. Thank you for the info.

Robby Poma January 22, 2011, 1:55 AM

properly done thanks mate

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