Guest Blogger Nadine: I devised a devious theory the past month that my husband was sabotaging my sex life -- with my vibrator. Turns out -- he was not the culprit.
I store my secret and satisfying lover in the hidden compartment of an ottoman in my bathroom. Towels are piled high over it, and inside I store all my overflow of beauty and hair products. Deep within that pile is a compartment I stash my "toys." For the past month, I've been finding my vibrator with the batteries dead and always left in the "on" position. I like to conserve energy, so I know I NEVER would have wasted a AA battery in a recession with an amateur move like that. I didn't have the guts to confront my husband, so instead I've spent the past thirty days bitching to my girlfriends about my husband's alleged jealousy over my affair with "Buzz Light My Year on Fire."
This week we grounded our sixth grader for poor grades. My husband sat him down, told him what the grounding entailed and just when he was about to leave his bedroom our defiant little guy decided to get in the last word... "Yeah, well mom has a dildo!" Insert the sound effect of a loud record or chalkboard scratch here. I was checking email when I heard him belt it out and I buried my face in my hands and burst out laughing while in shock. I give my husband a ton of credit. The first words out of his mouth were "What does that have to do with your grounding?" With those simple words the conversation ended, my husband went to Home Depot and bought a new doorknob for our bedroom that requires a key, had a duplicate key made for me and handed it over sweetly the next morning. Well done honey ...
I felt so guilty about the false accusation I concocted about my husband. Here I was thinking my husband was secretly draining the batteries out of jealousy, when in reality my sixth grader was busy wasting valuable battery power trying to figure out what the hell it did. I was equally mortified when my son asked to talk to me in his room about my "disturbing sex toys." Does is get any worse than this people? I couldn't believe he actually had the balls to call me out on it and use those exact words. Reliving it makes me cringe.
So here I was left to say something -- I was forced to respond. The first words out of my mouth were "Yeah...well...older women use these and there is nothing wrong with that. I meet my obligations at work, home and church and it is none of your business." I walked away, closed his door and thought to myself "What the hell did you just say to him?" I didn't want to overreact because hey -- it isn't illegal. I can't believe I referred to myself as an older woman ... I'm in my early thirties! And what did meeting my obligations have to do with using a vibrator? I have never been more caught off guard as a parent and quite honestly I didn't know what the hell to say.
I remember finding my mom's when I was a teen and I remember stumbling on to porn of my dad's, but I never in a million years would have EVER said a thing to either one of them. That thought would never have entered my mind -- completely out of the question.
I called my mom and told her about it for a little moral support. She offered me this inspiring and incredibly comforting advice that I just had to share. "Wait til he tells that story to a therapist."
Has this happened to you?? Tell us your story in our sex group in the momlogic community. It'll be our little secret.