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My Son Found My "Special Toy"

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Guest Blogger Nadine: I devised a devious theory the past month that my husband was sabotaging my sex life -- with my vibrator. Turns out -- he was not the culprit.

young boy giggling

I store my secret and satisfying lover in the hidden compartment of an ottoman in my bathroom. Towels are piled high over it, and inside I store all my overflow of beauty and hair products. Deep within that pile is a compartment I stash my "toys." For the past month, I've been finding my vibrator with the batteries dead and always left in the "on" position. I like to conserve energy, so I know I NEVER would have wasted a AA battery in a recession with an amateur move like that. I didn't have the guts to confront my husband, so instead I've spent the past thirty days bitching to my girlfriends about my husband's alleged jealousy over my affair with "Buzz Light My Year on Fire."

This week we grounded our sixth grader for poor grades. My husband sat him down, told him what the grounding entailed and just when he was about to leave his bedroom our defiant little guy decided to get in the last word... "Yeah, well mom has a dildo!" Insert the sound effect of a loud record or chalkboard scratch here. I was checking email when I heard him belt it out and I buried my face in my hands and burst out laughing while in shock. I give my husband a ton of credit. The first words out of his mouth were "What does that have to do with your grounding?" With those simple words the conversation ended, my husband went to Home Depot and bought a new doorknob for our bedroom that requires a key, had a duplicate key made for me and handed it over sweetly the next morning. Well done honey ...

I felt so guilty about the false accusation I concocted about my husband. Here I was thinking my husband was secretly draining the batteries out of jealousy, when in reality my sixth grader was busy wasting valuable battery power trying to figure out what the hell it did. I was equally mortified when my son asked to talk to me in his room about my "disturbing sex toys." Does is get any worse than this people? I couldn't believe he actually had the balls to call me out on it and use those exact words. Reliving it makes me cringe.

So here I was left to say something -- I was forced to respond. The first words out of my mouth were "Yeah...well...older women use these and there is nothing wrong with that. I meet my obligations at work, home and church and it is none of your business." I walked away, closed his door and thought to myself "What the hell did you just say to him?" I didn't want to overreact because hey -- it isn't illegal. I can't believe I referred to myself as an older woman ... I'm in my early thirties! And what did meeting my obligations have to do with using a vibrator? I have never been more caught off guard as a parent and quite honestly I didn't know what the hell to say.

I remember finding my mom's when I was a teen and I remember stumbling on to porn of my dad's, but I never in a million years would have EVER said a thing to either one of them. That thought would never have entered my mind -- completely out of the question.

I called my mom and told her about it for a little moral support. She offered me this inspiring and incredibly comforting advice that I just had to share. "Wait til he tells that story to a therapist."

Has this happened to you?? Tell us your story in our sex group in the momlogic community. It'll be our little secret.

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15 comments so far | Post a comment now
Selfish Mom March 31, 2009, 11:29 AM

Classic. And might I add that your husband is a gem. His handling of the situation goes in the husband hall-of-fame.

Nancy March 31, 2009, 11:31 AM

Oh My! LOL That had to be so embarrassing to be called out by your sixth grader. Kudos for you for handling it well! I have one of those in the house (6th grade son that is), and I tell you they are too smart for their britches!

Great story, thanks for sharing. :)

Ariane Griffiths March 31, 2009, 11:41 AM

I simply cannot see through my tears here!! This is too funny! Thanks for sharing (and preparing me for my son!)

Anonymous March 31, 2009, 1:38 PM

OMG! that is too funny, hopefully you’ll be able to laugh about it soon! i know i would have died! i can’t even imagine. sounds like you had a good hiding place…..guess i have to go so i can find a better hiding place for mine!

Real Tech Mom March 31, 2009, 5:50 PM

Oh My God!!! That is too funny, i too would have never said anything to my parents… I don’t know what I would have said to my son either after he called me on it. Mortified i’m sure, therapy maybe, but as American Pie put it. Sex is a beautiful natural thing. At least sex with yourself is safe lol

Denise01 March 31, 2009, 11:36 PM

My daughter whose 13 was looking for some lotion in my bathroom cabinet and somehow discovered mines. She was embarrassed when she realized what it was. when I walked into the room she quickly threw it in the back of the cabinet and stood up as of nothing happened. I knew she saw it, because it fell out of the bag. We walked pass each each other, looked each other in the eye and instantly knew to never speak of it again.

Lisa Hughes April 1, 2009, 5:38 AM

Ladies,never be embarrassed again. Two Australian mothers have designed a vibrator called the Be Be. It is so stylish and feminine, so innocent looking (but let me tell ladies it WORKS)you could leave it on your coffee table and have the whole neighbourhood over and no one would know what it is.Have a look

A. Patterson April 2, 2009, 4:26 PM

If you’ve ever watched the show Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, you would realize how brillant your kids are! There is nothing to be ashamed about toys. They’re a wonderful alternative and stress reliever for the very busy women of today. It’s a sad tale in a relationship for the male to be threatened by it’s presence unless he’s superman …few of us are!This is a funny tale and we are all better to have it out in the open! Congrats to your hubby for his handling of the whole thing but a small locked box is another easier solution.

skitzo April 5, 2009, 1:38 PM

Sounds like your husband isn’t giving it to you right. Ring me up I’ll make you queef with delight.

Anonymous April 7, 2009, 8:55 PM

Now thats just disgusting skitzo. I don’t think you are capable of giving any woman pleasure

Sonya April 7, 2009, 9:56 PM

My three year old daughter found mine and thought it was a massager.

Dsjvqoww June 27, 2009, 3:32 AM

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worried mom May 29, 2010, 11:14 AM

I found this article while searching for some moral support myself. I am mortified as I type. I’m in my early 30’s and I have a 13 year old daughter we live alone. Late last might I was cleaning out some stuff in the house and I packed some boxes outside in the living/kitchen area to throw out in the morning. About 3 am this morning, I got out my bed to get some water and I stumbled over one of those boxes. It was dark but I managed to put all the contents back in, I thought.

Later this morning as the sun is shining inside the house, my daughter got up before me, cleaned up and headed out the door to the neighbor’s house (saturday routine). As I finally got out of bed and headed to the kitchen/living area, behold- an old dildo was on the floor next to the couch. It was among the junk I had in one of those boxes. I have no CLUE if my daughter saw it this morning, I am so sure she did and I am dying with embarrassment. I don’t want to ask and I don’t know how to handle this .:(

SignOf4 May 23, 2011, 7:06 AM

It could be worse….my wife ownes one of those k9 jobs with the inflatable knot. Thankfully, we don’t have kids. Can you imagine what 13 year old “Molly” would say if she ran across one of those?

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