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My Teenage Vagina

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I could eject a tampon 10 feet during a sneeze, a skill only useful in Dutch porn movies.

Woman looking at her self in the mirror

Guest Blogger Sara: I just recently picked up a new vagina. It's brand new, shiny, and never been tested by man. You think I'm kidding, but its true: One week ago today, along with other repair surgeries, I had a vaginal reconstruction. I'm 37, but in more ways than one I feel like a new woman, a virtual born-again virgin.

First, I will establish for you that I did not do this "vaginal rejuvenation" as a cosmetic option. I'm not a celebrity millionaire and if I had money to fix an area, there are many other baggy organs urgently pushing themselves to the top of my surgical waiting list. My injuries were due to an emergency forceps birth, which caused significant muscle damage eight years ago. So, the need to be rebuilt, along with receiving a supportive bladder sling apparatus, was of medical necessity. My bladder now has a small nylon hammock (L.L. Bean, Cape Cod stripe, I imagine) that helps it from leaking during sneezes, coughs, and movies starring Steve Carrell. Does this device work? I don't know yet. After a week post op, I feel as though I went from peeing like a 90-year-old woman, to peeing like a 90-year-old man: it takes a good 15 minutes of dribbling to empty this new bladder. I'm hoping soon for a happy medium.

Moving on to the vagina; my surgeon repaired and tightened the damaged muscle tissue. As Borat would say, she removed the "sleeve of wizard." I'm selling it on Craigslist if anyone is interested. Now, the reason I was able to wait this long for the surgery is that sex was not effected tremendously by my injuries; my spouse claimed that he did not notice the problem (what a nice man), and although I noticed a definite lack of sensation, I also hit my sexual peak during these past few years where I'm more easily aroused, so I felt satisfied. My problem areas were things like Yoga classes, where in candlestick position my hoo-hoo would bellow and squeak, and the instructor would state, "whomever is playing the blue whale CD, could we please just listen to my Tibetan bowls instead." Also, I could eject a tampon 10 feet during a sneeze, a skill only useful in Dutch porn movies. Although these were isolated incidents, I was self-conscious at these times and no amount of Kegels would free me from the social pain of having queef-itis. Support groups, although loud and disruptive, offered some relief.

So now I'm on the mend, with a teenage-sized vagina. My husband has been such a doll since I've been home; cooking, vacuuming, cleaning and dressing the kids, taking them to and from school, buying me chocolates and cheerleader costumes... how sweet. My sister replied to this, "Well, how many husbands get two vaginas out of the same old wife?" As far as how this new organ is going to work in six weeks, when all restrictions are lifted, who knows? The way things are at present, no man's apparatus, even of the Fisher Price variety, could ever fit down there. Still, I'll try to write a follow up report when it happens. That is, if my husband and I ever leave the bedroom again!

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24 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jill March 10, 2009, 3:18 PM

Ouch. Although there may be a great deal of pain involved I think vaginal face lifts are great. Giving birth to my first child was a nightmare. My kid has a big head and was stuck here for 2 hours finally I pushed hard enough to get her out but ending up ripping. I needed stitches and the jacka55 student Dr did a Picasso. It’s like looking at an old stretched out sweeter with a string hanging down.

melissa March 10, 2009, 5:08 PM

this was a hilarious pick up for the day i have been having!

surely March 10, 2009, 6:32 PM

I would definitely like an update in 6 weeks! I’m thinking of doing it myself. I’d really like to know if its worth it.

Anonymous March 10, 2009, 7:01 PM

Let me know how it goes, since my last visit to the OB mentioned I needed that surgery. No one told me gravity effected that part of the body too! :) Things seem to be hanging a little too low. I have not had any of the issues with incontinence but it will probably be here soon. The RN mentioned a “lift” down there when they were fixing the other issues. It was highly recommended. Just curious how the recovery is and wondering if I should wait until it becomes a problem or do it before it gets too bad. Thanks for sharing!

Peggy Gorman March 10, 2009, 7:23 PM

Yes ,update us so we know how it works,I mean ,to see how you are doing.
I hope you heal fine and your husband love the “new you down there”.
Thanks for sharing.

annonymous March 11, 2009, 12:24 AM

HILARIOUSLY written. I bet you are in pain, but you seem to be extremely positive about your surgery. Thanks for sharing, I am sure there are plenty of women out there that never knew this was an option. Looking forward to the update and seeing how life is as a virgin mother.

anony March 11, 2009, 3:50 PM

I wonder if the Dugger mommy had to have that too?

Hayle March 12, 2009, 1:29 AM

I don’t know if the Dugger mommy would have that done. But after having that many kids, that thing must be flapping in the wind.

Sherry March 19, 2009, 11:05 AM

I def wanna know how this turns out!!

Tay April 8, 2009, 11:37 PM

That was hilarious…please update!!!!
I hope your bladder relaxes a bit.

Janettee May 19, 2009, 9:44 AM

I’m thinking about doing this… I’m having a few issues with my bladder after the pregnancy/birth from hell!

I worked at a daycare while pregnant, and unfortunately… The daycare only allows bathroom breaks before and after work and during your lunch break. (YES EVEN FOR THE PREGGOS!) I usually worked with the babies (training for first child). Sometimes I got lucky and got the children who were being taken to the bathroom every couple of hours… I had to line all the kids up after they peed and tell them to turn around so I could go (there were no doors on their stalls, and I was uncomfortable with 10 children watching me pee) and hope I made it before anyone came along… Dunno how much trouble I would have been in had anyone caught me!

When I went in for my ultrasound, my ex was running late. The tech told me to pee and then we’d wait for him. I went to pee, and when I came back there he was. She told me to get back up and then when she started to do the ultrasound again… She said “I told you to pee!” I HAD PEED! She said I had a FULL bladder!!!

THEN my son apparently had some humoungous head that runs in his father’s side of the family… Had to have an episiotimy AND vacuum extraction AND forceps!!! I now have a prolapsed bladder. Have been in a study for bladder issues… No success. WANT THIS SURGERY!

Carrieann November 12, 2009, 7:42 AM

I wonder why she never posted an update? I hope that doesn’t mean that sex was too painful afterwards. You would think that she would have been excited to come back here and share what a great success it was. That she didn’t makes me nervous about doing this myself (I have a rectocele).

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