Six months ago, I lost my baby at four months. Today, I am so happy to report that I am pregnant again.
Momlogic's Talitha: When I wrote about my miscarriage six months ago, many of you experienced the pain of it with me. You also inspired me and brought me hope that one day I would be pregnant again. You shared all of your own personal stories about loss and you reminded me that, as much as I didn't see it then, there would be a day I would be pregnant again. You were right. As soon as the fog cleared for me, and I came to terms with the loss, I got pregnant again. It's funny -- I was packing for a trip and found an old pregnancy test in the bathroom drawer. Though I hadn't gotten my period on time, I didn't think anything of it. But as I stood over the sink staring at the test, I could not believe the results: pregnant. I ran to the store and bought two more tests, both were positive. Oh. My. God. "Honey! I'm pregnant!" Tears.
Now, almost four months into it (the same time I lost the last one), another side of the excitement has reared its ugly head: What if I lose this one, too? I have waited to announce my pregnancy to the world. I have run to the doctor on a weekly basis convinced something was wrong. I have kept my happiness hidden out of fear. I am scared to write this, afraid I'll have to take it back. And then I'm afraid to say that out loud, because I don't want to jinx myself. Of course, I know I need to stay positive, and I am, but as I am approaching this hurdle of time, I hold my breath.
Then I realize, this is part of parenting -- you're never really out of the woods. You worry about your child, and you don't know what will happen from one day to the next. I learned this from losing my unborn daughter. When I got pregnant the first time, I felt invincible, like nothing bad could possibly happen. But I suppose from now until this baby grows up, I will worry, and all I can do is hope for the best and do my very best.
I'm taking it one week at a time. It's funny, weeks mean so much on the pregnancy calendar. With every week that passes, I breathe a sigh of relief. And though I may not reveal it so easily, my heart smiles thinking about this little one. I look at her ultrasound picture twenty times a day to see if I can detect a little part of me or my man. I talk to her when no one is listening, and tell her everything's going to be OK. I thank God for this baby every single day.
I have a feeling I will be doing that until she is born ... and forever after.