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Mommy for Four Months: I'm Pregnant!

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Six months ago, I lost my baby at four months. Today, I am so happy to report that I am pregnant again.

ultrasound

Momlogic's Talitha: When I wrote about my miscarriage six months ago, many of you experienced the pain of it with me. You also inspired me and brought me hope that one day I would be pregnant again. You shared all of your own personal stories about loss and you reminded me that, as much as I didn't see it then, there would be a day I would be pregnant again. You were right. As soon as the fog cleared for me, and I came to terms with the loss, I got pregnant again. It's funny -- I was packing for a trip and found an old pregnancy test in the bathroom drawer. Though I hadn't gotten my period on time, I didn't think anything of it. But as I stood over the sink staring at the test, I could not believe the results: pregnant. I ran to the store and bought two more tests, both were positive. Oh. My. God. "Honey! I'm pregnant!" Tears.

Now, almost four months into it (the same time I lost the last one), another side of the excitement has reared its ugly head: What if I lose this one, too? I have waited to announce my pregnancy to the world. I have run to the doctor on a weekly basis convinced something was wrong. I have kept my happiness hidden out of fear. I am scared to write this, afraid I'll have to take it back. And then I'm afraid to say that out loud, because I don't want to jinx myself. Of course, I know I need to stay positive, and I am, but as I am approaching this hurdle of time, I hold my breath.

Then I realize, this is part of parenting -- you're never really out of the woods. You worry about your child, and you don't know what will happen from one day to the next. I learned this from losing my unborn daughter. When I got pregnant the first time, I felt invincible, like nothing bad could possibly happen. But I suppose from now until this baby grows up, I will worry, and all I can do is hope for the best and do my very best.

I'm taking it one week at a time. It's funny, weeks mean so much on the pregnancy calendar. With every week that passes, I breathe a sigh of relief. And though I may not reveal it so easily, my heart smiles thinking about this little one. I look at her ultrasound picture twenty times a day to see if I can detect a little part of me or my man. I talk to her when no one is listening, and tell her everything's going to be OK. I thank God for this baby every single day.

I have a feeling I will be doing that until she is born ... and forever after.



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22 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous March 4, 2009, 4:40 AM

After my mom had my three older brothers she got pregnant again with another little boy-she lost that one. then she got pregnant again-she lost that one too. then 6 months later she had me, her first girl. three years later she got pregnant with her second little girl, but sadly she died too.

redmum March 4, 2009, 5:47 AM

Wishing you every happiness.

Vita David March 4, 2009, 5:56 AM

Congratulations…lots of love and happiness, and a safe pregnancy and delievery :-)

Tanya March 4, 2009, 9:26 AM

Congratulations! It’s thrilling, yet scary, at the same time. I lost two pregnancies very early on about five years ago. In October of 2007 my son was born. The first 12 weeks were so nerve-wracking. We only told our immediate family and very closest of friends. Few of them had even know about our previous miscarriages. And it’s so true…you are never out of the woods. The first months of my son’s life I was a nervous wreck about everything. After almost a year and a half I’ve gotten a little better but new worries always pop up. You just take it a day at a time…much like pregnancy.

Congrats again and enjoy every moment (as hard as it can be at times) of your pregnancy. It’s pretty close to magical.

rogena March 4, 2009, 9:46 AM

so very happy for you and your family.

Amy March 4, 2009, 10:18 AM

Congratulations!! I’m just a few weeks ahead of you, and it does get better…after about 13 weeks it became “what if” again instead of “when?”

Marge March 4, 2009, 11:11 AM

Take a day at a time! Then a week, then it will be ok!

Kiki Hart March 4, 2009, 11:11 AM

Congrats to you and your family~I will pray for you and your little one.
Take care,
Kiki

fidget March 4, 2009, 11:15 AM

best wishes to you and you are right…. you are never out of the woods because your heart is invested

rugbymom March 4, 2009, 11:36 AM

Honey, you will be doing that till she/he is grown, and then for the rest of her/his life! I had also experienced a miscarriage before my baby was born and my doctor told me that a recent study showed that 50% of pregnancies terminate early and sometimes before people even know they are pregnant. A startling statistic indeed! It did not make the hurt go away though and sometimes I still think of him. I am so blessed now to have two special girls and I am so happy for you. If you believe in God, I encourage you to give your fears over to Him. It helped me tremendously. He can take that burden of fear from you. It will always creep up, especially knowing it can happen to you and you will worry for your children until the end of your days but you do not have to hang on to that fear! (I’ll get off my soapbox now.) That is what helped me and I humbly cannot help but to share the joy of letting go and letting God take over. Congratulations!

jackie March 4, 2009, 11:58 AM

That is such wonderful news!! yay! I was wondering what happened and if you would want to get pregnant again! God has a plan for everyone. WHen your girl is born you will know she was meant to be in this world. So happy for you, and thank you for the update!

crunchy March 4, 2009, 12:24 PM

What we seem to lose after the loss of a baby is the naivety..the innocence and excitement that we ‘had’ with pregnancy.

Ignorance is bliss and all that.

I told my midwife that with this one I would be at her door every day to hear the heartbeat….

I live in fear.

Congrats and hang in there…

lisa March 4, 2009, 12:54 PM

CONGRATS that is so awesome! Praying for you and hoping the best for your family.

How is your boyfriend? Did you guys get married yet?? Is he excited?

You are going to be a wonderful mom

congrats again!

Christy March 4, 2009, 1:02 PM

Congratulations on your wonderful news! You give me hope to be quite honest. I share a similar story as you. September 1st, 2008 I lost my son at 16 weeks, my third miscarriage. I was riddled with fear with this last pregnancy but once I hit the 12 week mark, I thought I was in the clear. Long story short, they discovered that I have a blood disorder that I never knew I had and this is what caused my loss. My husband and I just recently decided to start trying again, one final time, and I have a doctor’s appt in two weeks to discuss our course of action as it will be pretty structured due to my blood issues. It’s scarier than ever this time..to talk about getting pregnant. There isn’t the excitement or joy as there once was, now there is baggage and fear coupled with burning desire. I really can relate to your fears and silent excitement. I haven’t told anyone that we are going to try again..I’m not really sure why to be quite honest. So many women take being pregnant for granted and never have the worries or fears that those of us who have experienced loss do. Keep being excited and knowing that everything is going to be ok. Hang in there and best of luck to you!

Talitha March 4, 2009, 1:20 PM

Hi Christy, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about your loss — i understand what you must be feeling. The good thing is, you now know the reason why you miscarried which will hopefully prevent it from happening again. Take it one day at a time and know that you are doing the best you can. You definitely aren’t alone…All the very best to you and stay strong! You will have your baby!

MarMar March 4, 2009, 1:31 PM

Congratulations and best wishes! And you will worry about this child for the rest of your life, you are never out of the woods. Even when that child is 100 years old, he or she will still be your baby. The fear will always be there, and that’s OK. It’s what love is. How can we truly love someone with fearing their loss?

And that being said - I hope your worries and fears never come true, ever. It’s the best thing I could ever wish for someone. congratulations again!

Tina March 4, 2009, 2:36 PM

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I just lost my little boy at 17 weeks in November. I had a loss earlier in the year, but much earlier in the pregnancy. I thought I was in the clear at 12 weeks. My 12 week ultrasound was perfect. I went in for a regular check and “no heartbeat”. It was devastating. I have been told so many times “you are lucky you have two other children”. I am lucky, but it doesn’t make this loss easier. I loved that little boy even though I never saw his face or held him. He was mine. I think so many people see it as a lost pregnancy not a lost baby. We are trying again. For me just trying has sent waves of panic. I am considered advanced maternal age so with trying comes a lot of risk and that scary thought of having to go through all this pain again. Congrats and good luck with your pregnancy.

Kathi March 4, 2009, 2:41 PM

I’m so happy for you.I know all about loss and second chances.I held my breath too.Every day I rejoiced as one week faided into the next.Now my second chance is 26 years old and youre right,I still worry but I also smile Alot! Congrats always! Kathi

Mrs. Collins March 5, 2009, 10:54 AM

I lost my first baby girl @ 24 weeks in March of 2007, it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in life. My husband and I both thought we would never recover. We now have a 24 week old son, how ironic. I know exactly how you feel. When I was pregnant with him, I was just as scared. We rented a doppler and listened to his heartbeat at least twice a day. I ended up having him early @ 34 weeks and 6 days, b/c my water broke. I believe in my heart God brought him into our lives a little early to save us from the constant worrying and to let us know he was ok. We are truly blessed, although he decided he wanted our first angel for himself and so are you.

Melissa Johnson March 5, 2009, 6:04 PM

Congrats!!!

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