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Bad Self-Esteem = Bad Sex

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Your self-esteem can affect your sex life.

Woman looking at the mirror

Guest blogger Karrine Steffans: Most every woman has at least one thing about herself that drives her absolutely nuts. Maybe it's that back fat that snuck up on you after your last child was born or that regrettable hair cut and dye job that sent your tresses into permanent shock. Whatever it is, you can't seem to get a handle on it and all those seemingly flawless women on television and in magazines aren't helping your plight or your self-esteem.

Many times, when your self-esteem suffers, so does your sex life. A man can sense insecurity a mile away and, though your husband may try his best to help you realize just how beautiful and perfect you are, if you don't snap out of it, he'll begin to see what you see.

Insecurity is one of the most unattractive traits in a woman and no man, no matter how much he loves you, can make you love and appreciate yourself more. How you feel about yourself depends solely on what you do to improve the quality of your life.

For women on a budget, don't think that self-improvement has to cost you more that a little time and effort. If your issues are physical, you're in luck, because physical transformations are some of the easiest to perform. A simple girl's makeover night can do wonders. Drugstore products and a little bit of smart shopping at discount stores can make any woman feel brand new.

If your issues are psychological, that's okay too, because there are professionals out there trained to help. Between local free services and your insurance, you can afford to get the help you need. Point being, do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better; it'll help your marriage and help your husband feel better about you.

This topic and more can be found in The Vixen Manual; How to find, Seduce & Keep the Man You Want, July 13th. More at

next: What Color is Your Pee?
51 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jodie March 6, 2009, 1:11 PM

Dear Superhead,
Thanks, but no thanks for the advice. You cut yourself. Your child was removed and placed in protective custody. Every man leaves (perhaps it ain’t that super). You have delusional relationships and husbands. Take your own advice. Your issues are psychological. Delusional too if you actually believe that you are anything other than entertainment and curiosity. Seek help!

Foolpatrol March 6, 2009, 2:36 PM

Women with healthy self esteem respect themselves and others; especially other women. Here’s a newsflash for you, self esteem is about more than sexual performance. Purporting to give advice to women whose husbands you’d blow and screw in a nano second if the price is right is laughable. Most of the men you swallowed to infamy were married with children. That means that there were Moms involved in those little sexcapades. Now, you can’t stop a man form being a HO, but you can all stop him from Hoing around with you. Moms and women with real self esteem make the choice to respect other women on a daily basis. I’d prefer to listen to women whose self esteem is reflected in their lives instead of a blog. Crawl back to the no tell motel where you came from.

wamp wamp March 8, 2009, 10:06 PM

kudos to foolpatrol and jodie
very valid points
very valid

Karma March 8, 2009, 10:39 PM

Point displayed foolpatrol. I rather read this advice from Jada-Pickett Smith. What relationship?? Karrine, you wrote about your past and hide your present because now it’s nobody’s business. What sense does that make and why should we listen to you now for uh!!!”what” A relationship is not about competition. But since you call yourself throwing every man you blew, What!! I guess “UNDER THE BUS”. For example like Jay z is no good to you now and like you are above Beyonce. I guess whatever it takes to make you feel good.

Whatever March 9, 2009, 12:39 PM

Superhead, what are you thinking? Seriously! Girlfriend if a man truly loves you HE WILL be there for you no matter how insecure you are about your body. He’ll love you and not love you just for your body or for sex. Love is what it is. If he does criticize and leave you about your flaws then he never loved you. Man aren’t that complicated. All you talk about is sex, sex, sex. A man can get sex from anybody. But true love don’t come around to often. There’s more to a relationship then sex. A man who loves you will make love to you not sex. When a man makes love to you he’ll let his guard down and will become vulnerable to you and only you. He’ll start sharing things with you that he never shared and will not share with anyone else. What most women choose to do is to push that man away by thinking what he shared with you wasn’t that big a deal. But it was to him and vice versa. We women can get so rapped up with kids, work and household duties that we never notice our men is sharing something that he feels is very important. That’s when his eyes start to wonder. Sex is between two people who just want to get there rocks off with no feelings attached. Lust is when you only want someone for their body and how good they make you feel during sex. Making love is caring, sharing, and being more concerned about loving that person than just trying to get your rocks off.

Anonymous March 14, 2009, 5:05 PM

karrine you are the best in what you do, so if you make enough money from it.continue what you know best.


Miss Lady March 15, 2009, 4:33 PM

Who in their right mind would take advice from a shrewish ill-tempered woman like Karrine Steffans. BTW thats what VIXEN means..SMDH

Tyra High March 16, 2009, 4:33 AM

Um wow, that’s funny how internet commenters leave remarks to suggest they know more than a best-selling author who stated in her book her mistakes and claims to be no more than who she is. It’s easy to take cracks at people behind a keyboard and screen. Why are you reading it, if it’s not valuable?

She is not the cause of corrupt relationships, nor are the women who sleep with them. The men go out and seek as well. In addition, the point of the first book was to say, I believe, that she no longer exploited herself for money with sex.

The idea is not to discourage someone if you feel they are ignorant or lacking but to encourage them in another direction. It comes across as the cliché “hating” when you offer only condescending adjectives and blame. No one suggested or offered a different or positive direction. So there is no difference or authority in your opinions as they come with your lack of expertise and angry baggage. Ladies stop blaming other women for your issues. Take ownership, learn from it and move forward and pull women, whom you feel are behind, forward.

I do agree that my self-esteem reflects in my relationship and that no one can give me my esteem. Every profession and path in life will teach this. Even the economy is based on confidence. Self- esteem is essential to having a healthy sex life. People who depend on a mate for validation are lost when their mate cheats, dies or become unavailable due to careers or children or family. One should be strong as to support the mate in their time of need so to balance each other out.

The point was not to say a man will leave a woman but that your lack of self esteem will change the sex life and that it is a something to be cautious of in a relationship. A person can be gorgeous with low self esteem and it shows they stop caring for themselves and those around them. The difference not mentioned in her blog is that someone who loves a person will try to help the get their self-esteem back and build but will never be the source of their self-esteem.

Comments should be required to have a valid e-mail, too many cowards post ignorant comments with no knowledge of the information. Many are not spelling correctly either.

For REAL March 16, 2009, 10:10 PM

To the whoever want-to-be Tyra (high) Banks—Or whatever!!!! Wait, the real tyra has more sense than anybody from relationships of abuse to self-esteem. As far as a comment, first any human man, women or being is entitled to their own opinion. Yes, Karrine has addressed herself that her past was a virtue and it is what it is. But her advice must of came from a some experience of her mishaps or thereof; if it’s in the book. But you can’t comment to commentors you don’t know because if you have ever talked with a man “genious” new sex always WIN!!!!!- in the end; no matter if it is good, bad with esteem or with family matters. Gorgeous or not!!!. “So if new sex isn’t consider a jump-0ff”, I don’t know who is ??? I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with this but I feel sorry for you, you must of had issues all your life to be affected by someone’s comment from a BLOG!!!!! I never was exploited, never will be, never want to be by any man or men. Frankly, I support my man and he most definitely support me. Blog is suppose to a form of entertainment. So get your facts straight about real issues.

Anonymous March 16, 2009, 11:37 PM

I enjoy receiving tips from other women on how to keep my relationship strong and fresh. I was married at a young age and now its been over a decade. My hubby is a good man. However, this blog caught my attention because after some babies and slowing down I feel bad about my image and was always known for having a nice body and beauty I feel extreme low self esteem when it comes to dealing with my hubby and other people. I am encouraged before reading this article to finally lose the extra pounds. This article was just more encouraging. My hubby acts like Im still a size 4 but its me who is always tripping and I can tell it is starting to bother him so Karrinne has a point. I cant rule her out when it comes to some benefit she may have in terms of advice if you can then dont read it or dont take her advice.


Anonymous March 16, 2009, 11:54 PM

The truth is the truth. It does not matter who it is coming from! If it is helpful then use it. I have many brothers and male friends. Some women have low self esteem who dont have issues with weight or anything and they can be a ten but turns men off because of it. The internet is such a wonderful home for cowardly haters! Im not saying you have to take what Karrinne or anyone says as your guide. You dont have to visit and comment with your hateful holier than thou words either. Nobody is perfect but its how you rise above your imperfections. Karrinne is doing some good things in her life and coming from living in a car to now she is rising in some way. What about us?

Something something March 17, 2009, 7:11 PM

I am glad Karrine is helpful to people with her advice . I just hate it when women who are insecure with something about themselves; get jealous of you for no reason and don’t even know you; especially when you just going to the store or gas station. They look at you like you took their man and have an attitude with you. Or maybe they are just having a bad day. I live in the show-me-state; I have reoccurrences with this and have a problem with that. It’s hard to go to work everyday with someone who is insecure. Anyone who is attractive can be a nice person. They just want a normal life. So if women can support each other; I’m down with that.

thetruthsayer March 17, 2009, 11:47 PM

Well Miss Tyra High, the first question I wanna ask you is what is your personal e-mail address because when scanning your “captain save a Ho” comment I must have missed it while you want to call others out about their comments against karrine. So you like and agree with her and they don’t who gives a F***! This is not about hiding behind anything, it is what it is, a free country! Just because people are saying something about someone and you don’t particularly like it, then I would have to say go back to the books because you are lacking something somewhere and in the area of common sense. Not everyone is supposed to like or accept Karrine just because you see it differently, hell, people aren’t guaranteed to like you. Not everyone liked Jesus in His time (FYI the crucifiction). So why the “captain save a Ho” speech. Allow me if you will to impress upon my psychological sense here in saying that you must also have a hard time being accepted by others. Otherwise I don’t see your innate interest in deeply defending Karrine and not just you because there are many more “Tyras” out there. FYI, Karrine is a big girl, she knows how to speak for herself, she knows how to defend herself. When you go before the judgement seat what are you going to say? “Hey GOD I know it’s my time and all but could I just hang outside the pearly gates until Karrine comes so I can make sure you don’t judge her too harshly” I am really not for or against Karrine but trust and believe she thanks you for taking up for her and kissing her a** but I can hands-down guarantee she could give a sh*t about you. And here you are trying to be all self-righteous for her. At least take a page out of her book and charge her for your less than ameture legal defending.

thetruthsayer March 18, 2009, 12:12 AM

To the Anonymous that started off with “the truth is the truth” statement. I tend to see where you’re coming from. You are right Karrine has come a long way and is doing (to our knowledge)better in her life now. Better than some of us. The holier than thou comment was a little over the top though. Bare in mind that there are still so many people who just feel that she did make a conscious decision to do the things she did to get to where she is now. Even though the under tone of the books are saying “that was me then and I’m nothing like that now” does not mean that people will change their views of that person like a light switch. Also, too, I feel to a certain extent she meant well, like she said the books were also to raise awareness to those young women who may be in her previous situation and so on and so forth but the books were also developed at other people’s expense. Yes those men were wrong as well but she did prosper from outing, if you will, a lot of people and I by no means justify the men but it’s the families, the many families that were hurt and/or destroyed by the books. Did the men deserve it? Yes. Did their wives deserve it? Of corse not. Did the children deserve it? Never. So some commentors are still a bit bitter. Not all of us can say we will just leave it in GOD’s hands and let Him deal with it and we can’t blame them for that. This is in no way defending Karrine nor is this entirely defending your comment either. I’m just calling a spade a spade.

purplebowtie. March 19, 2009, 4:04 PM

you guys are hilarious.

Don't hate March 19, 2009, 4:39 PM

Women who has insecurities are prone to set themselves up to be used for sex.

Miss Kris March 20, 2009, 5:11 PM

you ungr*ful bi*chez! LOL!

shaelachanel March 22, 2009, 1:48 AM

Karrin:your great at what you do,i may not agree with everything you do but the fact is you’ve come such a long way and i celebrate that,i myself has some issues but i can’t stand when a very insecure b*tch “hates”for no reason without even knowing me…or if they know me it’s “undercover”hating.
keep doing what your doing and stay blessed

shaelachanel March 23, 2009, 5:00 PM

Black women’s relationships with one another have often been fraught with tension. Truth is, we are sometimes our own worst enemy. Wall Street executive Carla A. Harris told us recently she had noticed that in the workplace Black women are sometimes the ones derailing other sisters. Certainly we’ve been guilty of tearing each other down in our personal relationships as well, even fighting over a sorry man who tried to play us against each other. But with all the challenges facing us, it’s more important than ever that we as Black women make a conscious decision to support, love and affirm one another at work, in our communities, in our churches and in our organizations. It’s time for us to wake up to the fact that our problem isn’t between us; it’s with all the forces that teach us to undermine one another instead of pulling together to strengthen us all. Whatever happened to lifting each other as we climb?

Now, I’m not saying we’re all going to get along all the time, but if we can cherish and accept our sisters as we would want to be cherished and accepted, we will go a long way in setting a new tone in our often-fractured relationships. If we can stop the sideways glancing when one of us walks into a room, if we can stop the head-to-toe assessment of others in the club, if we can stop calling people out behind their backs-while smiling in their faces-if we can put an end to all that, we can start to reclaim the spirit of our sisterhood.

Let’s begin by greeting one another with open arms and minds and stop assuming that we’re out to get one another. The next time a sister you don’t know walks into a room, the next time a Black woman you’ve never met starts working at your job, go out of your way to introduce yourself and give her a compliment. You just may make a loyal new friend.

Sisters, can y’all start employing some of the tactics in this article, or y’all just “don’t give a f*ck what that b*tch said” and will continue to act as triflin’ as humanly possible to each other?

Lady_of_the_House April 2, 2009, 2:48 AM

WOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Come on people!!!!! Get it together!!!

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