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Single and Pregnant ... So??

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Naila: I'm single and pregnant. Translated, that means, not married, one name on my lease. And no, the father didn't bronze my pee stick. He's my hot friend that I've slept with here and there, heavy emphasis on the here and there, for the last fourteen years. We tried the traditional dating and never lasted for more than a month, yet have a definite bond that everyone else talks about even when we've been oblivious. The morning after the night of the "deed" (feel free to insert a more graphic term suitable to your imagination and taste) I called him and informed him that we had to cease and desist (aka no more nookie nookie). He agreed and I called my best friend, excited that we finally had agreed to leave each other alone.

Pregnant woman

A few weeks later the flashing preggers appeared on the digital stick. Contrary to what you might think up to this point, I don't advise single parenthood as a first choice. Any mother will tell you motherhood is a dual position in an optimum environment. Going it alone requires a measure of insanity and fortitude not easily found in the female population, but readily available within me.

15 weeks into this pregnancy, everything has been ideal. My emotions are constant and cheerful -- thanks now to my love of everything food. Especially ranch dressing. I talk to the dad a little more often now, even discussing names and parenting styles. We don't hate each other and he will be a present father, dare I say, a wonderful dad.

I'm not bothered by the stares or the silences that come with my announcement or the lack of real joy because of my single status. I'm 40 and thankfully haven't worried too much about public opinion since tenth grade when I dropped the baton during the state championships in the 4 x 400 relay. My exuberance doesn't mean I lack fear or sadness, it only conveys what my mom has always told me.

"What you feel is most of what you are."

And I feel blessed.

Even single and pregnant.


next: Site Where Caylee's Remains Found up for Sale
39 comments so far | Post a comment now
naila March 23, 2009, 4:13 PM

Mel,
I didn’t mean to imply that she was miserable because she disagreed with me, I am used to that. I implied she was miserable by the tone that she used. I only wish those that judge single moms more harshly would hold the same judgment level to their own lives and see if it shakes out…nothing more nothing less..reading my article completely and you will see that i never suggest single parenthood is the way to go, simply that for me the alternative wasn’t an acceptable choice.

Danielle March 23, 2009, 4:54 PM

Dave…

Just because there is an “increased likelihood” does not make it an appropriate or “informed” assumption… You wouldn’t say… “Congrats on getting married! Hope you don’t get divorced!” Or… would you? Hmmm… What is it they say about ASSumptions again?

Further… the appropriate statistic for the purposes of this argument would be how many single mothers are NOT on welfare as compared to those who are. I think you and Gail would be surprised to know that only an estimated 14% of single mothers receive welfare.

Please take this as intended… which is to open your eyes… and maybe find a way to skip the assumptions.

Dave March 23, 2009, 5:20 PM

Okay, so 14% of single mothers receive welfare. If that’s the appropriate statistic, that’s great. What are you comparing it to? You compare it to absolutely nothing, which makes your argument meaningless. The comparison should be to either the percentage of women without children receive welfare, or the percentage of married women receiving welfare. A statistic of one group without a comparison to another group of the population at large is vacuous.

Naila called someone “ignorant” and then said that just because a woman is a single mother doesn’t mean they’re on welfare. And while that’s absolutely true, the statistics show an increased likelihood. That’s all I was pointing out. Hopefully Naila’s an exception. Not all asian men are short either. There’s always Yao Ming. You may not like statistics but that does not mean you should ignore them.

Personally, I would argue that even if single mothers are more likely to be receiving welfare than married mothers or single women without children, I’m okay with that. That’s what AFDC is for! It was started to aid women with children whose husbands died in war. Sure, its target audience has changed a bit since then, but I personally have no problem with it. And statistics also show that the vast majority of women receiving welfare are off of it within two years.

And yes, when my friends get married, that’s exactly what I say to them. But I’m a smartass.

Dave March 23, 2009, 5:38 PM

I take your point that 14% is pretty low, when a lot of people (perhaps a few of the snarkier posters on this article) may think that most single mothers are on welfare. I’m just pointing out that there is also an increased likelihood.

Jess March 23, 2009, 7:32 PM

Single and pregnant, I wish you the best of luck. If you feel blessed, then you are blessed. People who don’t believe that it’s possible to be single and raise a child well are not necessarily looking at the facts. Being single is not the issue; having the resources to parent well is, and it sounds like you do. Happiness always!

ame i. March 23, 2009, 8:08 PM

I have a full life that includes 2 children and a husband. Children with 2 loving parents in their home fare better than children with only 1 parent.
Why is a single woman getting pregnant and giving birth considered to be a miracle? Dogs and cats do it every day.

Jill (the other one) March 24, 2009, 4:32 AM

ame i - go be nasty somewhere else. I think that was sort of the point of the article, wasn’t it? That she doesn’t care if you disapprove of her being single and pregnant.

Naila: congratulations :o)

J March 24, 2009, 12:53 PM

Ame i, do you want to know what’s tacky (painfully tacky)? How about married couples raising a child, who shouldn’t be raising a child in the first place— lets face it, how many people do you know who have been raised in ‘a normal’ two parent home, that have had serious emotional and psychological problems… the bottom line is that mom plus dad doesn’t always = good parenting.

I applaud you Naila, for being a strong independent woman, and by the sound of your posts, I can tell that you are a women of integrity with a big heart— that is way better than any two people who are in a loveless marriage, who are raising their children in a world of lies and dysfunction.

And for the issue of single mothers on welfare— people who appose it, and have such bold commentary on the welfare system, should get up and do something to change it! This is a democracy, if you don’t like it, don’t complain- fix it. There are thousands of mothers in America who need the welfare system (and I agree, people should not abuse it), but I would rather see my tax dollars being spent on providing to families that need it, instead of on wars. Bottom line, its ignorant to assume that all single mothers are trying to get a hand out. If a family needs welfare, they shouldn’t let ignorant comments dissuade them into thinking it’s a shameful thing.




Anon March 24, 2009, 1:01 PM

Ame i— congratulations on your litter of two! I hope u remember to spay and neuter accordingly!

You did say child birth is no miracle, and seeing that you have two of your own…meow, woof, and good day to you!

Theresa March 24, 2009, 1:55 PM

Ame.i-dogs and cats do it every day? You have a seriously twisted view on childbirth and humanity. You’ve now managed to compare single mothers to animals. Let’s see who that covers:

Military Wives whose husbands give their lives overseas.

The woman who finds out she’s pregnant and finally musters up enough courage to leave the man who beats her.

The rape victim who gives in to pressure to “choose life”.

Ah, yes. Animals all. I hope you don’t decide to add more kids to your own litter. Perpetuating this nonsense would be a travesty.

Jess March 24, 2009, 4:01 PM

ame i., your broad generalizations are hilarious. Actually children fare fine in a home with one parent as long as the parent has income, opportunity, and a network/friends. Has been shown time and time again.

Kathryn March 28, 2009, 2:23 AM

Congrats on being single & pregnant. I think it’s much better for women to be confident with themselves and their own ability to be a parent than marry a guy simply because it’s what our culture says you’re suppose to do. Too many women get stuck in miserable marriages for the sake of appearances.

I’m a single mom by choice. I have two wonderful sons conceived using a donor. I’m 38, have a good job and never have received any welfare or assistance. Frankly, I get annoyed with all these young couples who a have kids they can’t afford. I saved and carefully planned the birth of my sons.

Michelle April 8, 2009, 9:37 AM

I must say some of the comments on this are quite hilarious. One woman shares her joy of being single and pregnant and it opens the flood gates to assumptions, facts thrown here and there and sometimes down right ignorant comments. I am a single parent, raising a very bright, intelligent, loving 6 year old son and guess what? No welfare! Can you believe it? I have the sufficient income, intelligence and parenting skills to not be in this ‘increased liklihood’ statistic that has been so thrown around on this board. And of course, you will say, “It’s best to have a child raised in a married home” how about my parents did that and my home was far..far FAR from best with 2 parents there. So get off the soap box preaching about the 2 parent household. Naila, I’m sure you will be an awesome mother singe, with someone, whatever. Keep posting your thoughts and sharing your mircale and yes…having the ability to conceive and carry a child IS a miracle when there are those who simply cannot and will never experience that joy. Be Blessed.

Brenda April 8, 2009, 5:34 PM

I have a personal question. How can I reach you?

Shasha April 14, 2009, 3:14 PM

Thank you so much for your views on being single and pregnant Naila. You have given me more courage and wisdom on the matter. I am in the same boat as your self. I am 26 years old and never wanted to find myself in the situation that i am in. In fact I always said that if I ever messed up and become pregnant I would simply get an abortion. However when I found out that was pregant, I knew there was no way I could ever kill my baby. I think people will always have their view on how you should live your life but no one knows what they would truley do until they are in that situation. Today I am 12 weeks along and I heard my child heart beat for the first time. I feel so futunate that my ” mistake” is Gods way of giving me a blessing. Congrats on your baby and thanks for giving me more confidence in my own decision.
Shasha

Anonymous May 13, 2009, 2:34 PM

As a woman who is pregnant and single (not by choice) the whole experience is overwhelming and anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy! pregnancy is a tough time and the support needed is paramount to the wellbeing of the mother to be. The necessity of family has died in many peoples minds and while we need to reconstruct the concept of what constitutes a family, it is now a valuable a resource as ever!

KARMIE May 28, 2009, 3:27 PM

My parents are married and were when they had children and my childhood was a living hell. They would not divorce ‘for the kids’ but I sincerely wish they had, so marriage does not always equal stability and happiness for the children. As long as there is love for that child then you are doing the best thing. Good luck.

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