Charles Orlando: Call it what you want: oral sex, going down "there" ... for some women, it's the worst part of their sex life. For others, it's a way of getting close to the man they love. And men ... well ... men seem to live for it. But what of the common lament from men ("The fastest way to stop a woman from performing oral sex is to marry her"), and what are the real motivators on both sides of this sexual equation? I asked these questions on my website and received over 250 responses. Anonymity was an option for the women choosing to respond, and nearly all were submitted without any identifying information, so the data is real ... and raw.
Some of these women loved the inherent intimacy this personal act provided. It was an adjunct to their sex life, serving as a connection to their husbands/boyfriends when the day-to-day of life lingers and disallows spontaneity: "When I first started dating my husband, it happened all the time and I loved it. For many years -- and when I had the luxury of sleeping in -- it was always a lot of fun. And I also believe that it shows my husband how much I care for him still and only want to be with him. Nine years later, it's a little more challenging to get around to doing it as often as I'd like, but two young kids will do that to you. I still enjoy it and can tell that my husband does too. And it's sort of our sign to each other that tonight is the night to take our time and enjoy each other."
Some were disgusted by the entire prospect of oral sex ... period. "I HATE IT! I hate doing it, I hate the thought of it, I hate everything about it! Come on, that is where you pee from! He of course BEGS for it ALL THE TIME! Seriously, I tried to like it for him. I really did. I tried and tried and tried and threw up all over him (which completely ruined the mood!). And for the record, I am one of those women who enjoys watching porn! I just can't do it!"
And some had the funniest stories:
"I was crazy in love with this southern boy many years ago (he was the guy who I ended up liking drunk more than sober.) Of course, I wanted to ... you know... and well it didn't go over well. Without getting into too much detail, he basically told me I sucked ... literally! All I remember was that he looked up from the pillow, with his lips curled around his teeth, rapidly pointing at them mumbling, "TOO MUCH TEETH, TOO MUCH TEETH! IT'S NOT A STRAW!" I was so embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under the bed and die. I thought I was 'really good'. I think I was absent the day they taught that portion of Sex Ed in 8th grade."
As I read these private accounts of sex, I noticed something: the "sweet-and-innocent" and "Eww!" stories were at opposite ends of the bell curve. The majority of respondents were in the middle, where the motivators for oral sex are not so clear-cut. The act of oral sex is filled with issues. Intimacy and trust spring to mind instantly ... but the less discussed -- and perhaps most important -- issues loom like the proverbial elephant in the room: control and dominance.
A large percentage of a man's ego is built on his virility, as well as a multitude of other sexually-charged items: penis size, number of women he's bedded, sexual prowess and "skill" ... the list goes on and on. And given the anemic economy, men who have lost their jobs are looking to improve their self-esteems, and rejuvenate their identities.
I'm not suggesting that oral sex is a man's way of finding self-worth, but a when a man is "in control," it can often counteract feelings of inadequacy, serving as a distraction to balance out any negative feelings. But is he truly in control when a woman is down on him?
Sex is the subject men discuss with their cohorts, both before a date and after -- often with the same question asked: "Yo! Did you 'hit it'?" So, it's not surprising that as specific acts are discussed, a man would think he's in charge. And receiving oral sex might serve as the prime example of a man under the false assumption that he is in control.
Now, look; I am not about to field a bunch of e-mail from women about how oral sex is evil, or from men about how I'm screwing up their sex lives. Let's get this out of the way: Sex and all things to do with sex are great. What I'm alluding to is the motivation for the act -- why he wants it, and why she wants to do it. According to my survey -- as well as the research I carried out to write "The Problem with Women... is Men," the reasons for women wanting to perform the act vary. The loving reasons I allude to above, but what I also discovered was an undertow in the Ocean of Love: women gaining control over the men, with men their cooperative, willing submissives.
"I LOVE going down there for my fiancé! It makes me feel very empowered to know that I am capable of giving him maximum pleasure!!!" "My friend told me how she gives her husband oral sex when she wants something big. The trick is to hold out for a while ... like a couple of weeks. Then go for it, give him the best [expletive] of your life."
"Going down? I love it. I really do. It puts you in a powerful place for negotiating to get things done your way and I've yet to meet a man who would say no to it." "How do you think I am able to go shopping, slack on the laundry, and take bubble baths in the evening? Even hinting at going down will have him saying, 'Yes honey; whatever you want,' for a week... at LEAST."In delving further with some of these respondents, we discovered that the truth -- the seduction for them, if you will -- of why they like performing oral sex was the power they gained ... the control. Which makes complete sense when you consider the act. Truth be told, regardless of if he's holding the woman's head/hair, standing over her with her on her knees, whatever ... he is still a submissive. Need more proof? Picture it: There he is on his back, arms stretched out, eyes closed, completely at the woman's mercy -- with the most sensitive part of his anatomy exposed and defenseless, not to mention that it's placed in an area where it could be severed from his body. This is a man in control? Of course not. This sexual act is the epitome of physical and emotional vulnerability. He is 100% devoid of control. It's also interesting that so many men prefer oral sex to intercourse. Perhaps if more women recognized how naturally submissive many men are, they would put their foot down more often instead of putting up with constant passive aggression and pseudo-controlling behavior.
It's written, "Behind every great man is a woman." I would argue that perhaps, "In front of every potentially great woman is an underdeveloped, mediocre man who won't get out of her way."
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|Charles Orlando is a life coach and the author of "The Problem with Women... is Men: The Evolution of a Man's Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness". When he's not cooking his wife breakfast-in-bed or playing Guitar Hero with his kids, he can be found blogging at theproblemwithwomenismen.com.|