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The Untold Dynamics of Oral Sex

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A dad tells women why we should do "down there."
Couple in bed

Charles Orlando: Call it what you want: oral sex, going down "there" ... for some women, it's the worst part of their sex life. For others, it's a way of getting close to the man they love. And men ... well ... men seem to live for it. But what of the common lament from men ("The fastest way to stop a woman from performing oral sex is to marry her"), and what are the real motivators on both sides of this sexual equation? I asked these questions on my website and received over 250 responses. Anonymity was an option for the women choosing to respond, and nearly all were submitted without any identifying information, so the data is real ... and raw.

Some of these women loved the inherent intimacy this personal act provided. It was an adjunct to their sex life, serving as a connection to their husbands/boyfriends when the day-to-day of life lingers and disallows spontaneity: "When I first started dating my husband, it happened all the time and I loved it. For many years -- and when I had the luxury of sleeping in -- it was always a lot of fun. And I also believe that it shows my husband how much I care for him still and only want to be with him. Nine years later, it's a little more challenging to get around to doing it as often as I'd like, but two young kids will do that to you. I still enjoy it and can tell that my husband does too. And it's sort of our sign to each other that tonight is the night to take our time and enjoy each other."

Some were disgusted by the entire prospect of oral sex ... period. "I HATE IT! I hate doing it, I hate the thought of it, I hate everything about it! Come on, that is where you pee from! He of course BEGS for it ALL THE TIME! Seriously, I tried to like it for him. I really did. I tried and tried and tried and threw up all over him (which completely ruined the mood!). And for the record, I am one of those women who enjoys watching porn! I just can't do it!"

And some had the funniest stories:
"I was crazy in love with this southern boy many years ago (he was the guy who I ended up liking drunk more than sober.) Of course, I wanted to ... you know... and well it didn't go over well. Without getting into too much detail, he basically told me I sucked ... literally! All I remember was that he looked up from the pillow, with his lips curled around his teeth, rapidly pointing at them mumbling, "TOO MUCH TEETH, TOO MUCH TEETH! IT'S NOT A STRAW!" I was so embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under the bed and die. I thought I was 'really good'. I think I was absent the day they taught that portion of Sex Ed in 8th grade."

As I read these private accounts of sex, I noticed something: the "sweet-and-innocent" and "Eww!" stories were at opposite ends of the bell curve. The majority of respondents were in the middle, where the motivators for oral sex are not so clear-cut. The act of oral sex is filled with issues. Intimacy and trust spring to mind instantly ... but the less discussed -- and perhaps most important -- issues loom like the proverbial elephant in the room: control and dominance.

A large percentage of a man's ego is built on his virility, as well as a multitude of other sexually-charged items: penis size, number of women he's bedded, sexual prowess and "skill" ... the list goes on and on. And given the anemic economy, men who have lost their jobs are looking to improve their self-esteems, and rejuvenate their identities.

I'm not suggesting that oral sex is a man's way of finding self-worth, but a when a man is "in control," it can often counteract feelings of inadequacy, serving as a distraction to balance out any negative feelings. But is he truly in control when a woman is down on him?

Sex is the subject men discuss with their cohorts, both before a date and after -- often with the same question asked: "Yo! Did you 'hit it'?" So, it's not surprising that as specific acts are discussed, a man would think he's in charge. And receiving oral sex might serve as the prime example of a man under the false assumption that he is in control.

Now, look; I am not about to field a bunch of e-mail from women about how oral sex is evil, or from men about how I'm screwing up their sex lives. Let's get this out of the way: Sex and all things to do with sex are great. What I'm alluding to is the motivation for the act -- why he wants it, and why she wants to do it. According to my survey -- as well as the research I carried out to write "The Problem with Women... is Men," the reasons for women wanting to perform the act vary. The loving reasons I allude to above, but what I also discovered was an undertow in the Ocean of Love: women gaining control over the men, with men their cooperative, willing submissives.

"I LOVE going down there for my fiancé! It makes me feel very empowered to know that I am capable of giving him maximum pleasure!!!" "My friend told me how she gives her husband oral sex when she wants something big. The trick is to hold out for a while ... like a couple of weeks. Then go for it, give him the best [expletive] of your life."

"Going down? I love it. I really do. It puts you in a powerful place for negotiating to get things done your way and I've yet to meet a man who would say no to it." "How do you think I am able to go shopping, slack on the laundry, and take bubble baths in the evening? Even hinting at going down will have him saying, 'Yes honey; whatever you want,' for a week... at LEAST."

In delving further with some of these respondents, we discovered that the truth -- the seduction for them, if you will -- of why they like performing oral sex was the power they gained ... the control. Which makes complete sense when you consider the act. Truth be told, regardless of if he's holding the woman's head/hair, standing over her with her on her knees, whatever ... he is still a submissive. Need more proof? Picture it: There he is on his back, arms stretched out, eyes closed, completely at the woman's mercy -- with the most sensitive part of his anatomy exposed and defenseless, not to mention that it's placed in an area where it could be severed from his body. This is a man in control? Of course not. This sexual act is the epitome of physical and emotional vulnerability. He is 100% devoid of control. It's also interesting that so many men prefer oral sex to intercourse. Perhaps if more women recognized how naturally submissive many men are, they would put their foot down more often instead of putting up with constant passive aggression and pseudo-controlling behavior.

It's written, "Behind every great man is a woman." I would argue that perhaps, "In front of every potentially great woman is an underdeveloped, mediocre man who won't get out of her way."

Want more? Connect with Charles in the momlogic community.

next: I Have New Respect for Single Moms!
45 comments so far | Post a comment now
So Much More Than A Mom March 12, 2009, 10:16 AM

Hilarious responses to your poll! It is definitely a powerful feeling, to be in control. I used to dislike it but as I’ve gotten older I’ve changed my tune on that. Would love to see an article about the other side of oral sex….you know, where women get to receive… ;)

Gwen Jimmere March 12, 2009, 11:24 AM

Right on, Charles! You never cease to amaze me. :)

Anne March 12, 2009, 12:52 PM

Is that every guy’s dearest wish, to have somebody get them off without any effort or emotional involvement on his part? Well, forget it, IMHO. Especially when the guy, like my longtime DH, is past “a certain age.” Ever try giving CPR to a dead puppy?

Felicia - I Complete Me March 12, 2009, 2:57 PM

Very interesting article. like the other commenter I would love to know the reciprocal.

ana March 12, 2009, 4:25 PM

Hi. I have the personal theory that men who want oral sex more than other type of penetration… those ones who won’t give up oral sex never… are egocentric… I am quite sure of that but it’s strange that there are not studies about this… I dislike oral sex because I felt my partner to be egocentric but it also excited me, the con of it is that I suspect that doing this often can create wrinkles around my mouth then I won’t be able to preserve my “baby face”… Lost this just to give an egocentric the pleasure he wants ? No, thanks. I’d rather find another man with more attributes than demands…

me March 12, 2009, 4:58 PM

Well I have to say that I used to HATE IT and now I LOVE IT…IT IS DEF A SENSE OF POWER! IF you don’t know by now ladies, it is definitely time! Not only power…but I LOVE THE SENSE OF CONTROL I HAVE. I think the polls are very interesting.

Anon March 12, 2009, 5:10 PM

dead on. im buying this book.

H March 12, 2009, 5:39 PM

I definitely correlate frequency with how much I care about the person…at that moment or how sexy he made me feel. I think a lot of guys should realize that so much of it IS in their control. If a man makes a woman feel like she’s the hottest sh!t on this planet - she’ll most likely back up that statement. I think a large problem is that men just lay there and expect OR they push your head down there & yeah…that’s the fastest way to NOT get it.

Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy March 12, 2009, 5:50 PM

I’ll admit it’s not my favorite but I do it because my husband loves it and I like the intimacy and “heat” it brings to our sex life. My advice to men who would like oral sex more often is to be sensitive to a woman’s gag reflex (which is my problem), master control and not ejaculate too soon. Women, oral sex in the shower is a great compromise.

NikkiSomething March 12, 2009, 5:52 PM

Seriously - you’re portraying women as a bunch of shallow individuals who only provide oral sex as a means of getting what they want. I’d say if that’s the only reason they’re doing it - then their relationships are seriously flawed. I do it for my husband (when I’m in the mood to) because I love him - not for a new pair of shoes.

Lee Reyes-Fournier March 12, 2009, 5:53 PM

I found I had a talent for it and have given mini seminars to my friends on “how to”. I seriously do not understand women who don’t enjoy it. I like to give my husband pleasure and after 20 years, I’ve still got it. Great article!

Joyce March 12, 2009, 6:15 PM

I feel this whole oral sex thing gives women a false sense of power. I mean c’mon your on your knees he’s hovering over you grabbing your head… Where’s the power in that? And let’s not talk about the guys who want to {expletive} your mouth! or want you to swallow!

Charles Orlando March 12, 2009, 6:19 PM


Not at all… in fact, the exact opposite is true. The “get something for oral sex” are not my interpretations of these accountings of oral sex, they are [anonymous] quotes from participants in my survey. Further, I COMPLETELY agree with you that if those dynamics exist, there is something definitely missing.

But, the control/dominance factors exist there, too.

Bill Deis (Dice) March 12, 2009, 7:15 PM

Thank you for your artical. I’ve known women on both sides of the issue. No need to express which I prefer.Viva la B..w J.b!!!!!

Geddy Lee March 13, 2009, 1:43 PM

Charles’ next book should be how many (not all) women have a tendency overanalyze that which does not need to overanalyzed. Guys like bj’s because it’s fun and it feels good. It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.

Ivory March 16, 2009, 6:14 PM

Hello ladies and gentlemen if there are men who come to this site. I have briefed this article and my wife and I have talked about such topics of oral sex etc simply put, “how a spouse should compromise to please their spouse in what ever dynamic” ( within the context of their convenant needs to be done).

My wife and I talked with eachother about the reasons why strip clubs, porn shops, etc are filled with some husbands and some wives, and we came to the conclusion, why is it that a husband can easily go to a strip club and watch another women dance half nude for him and gasp over another women with-in his heart? I responded to her from a males stand-point, that if a mans wife would dance for him, strip for him and please him in that aspect of things, husbands wouldnt flock to strip clubs, because his wife is his only dancer. If a wife would give him oral pleasure and please him in this aspect, he wouldnt have to watch porn and watch some women go down on another man while he ( the husband) sits there and wishes that was him who was being ( taken care of), but that he has that pleasure in his wife.

My wife then responds to me that she believes that all women ( contexualy speaking of marriage) should be those things that the husband desires, imagines and hopes for and vise versa. I think that we men, if we would be that dancer for our wives, that smooth talker to her, and be everything that she wants and is in her heart that she desires, that many marriages would have been saved today. Marriage centered around compromise, but if that comprimise hurts your spouse, then there should remain room for another compromise ( to not do that thing that hurts your spouse or that causes harm physicaly, emotionaly, mentaly etc). Also any sort of sex shouldnt be used or viewed as a tool to go on a power trip, sex is for the satisfying of eachother, not to be used to say ( you cant have none if you dont do this or that ( how childishly stupid is that?) I mean really think about it. I think spouses should atleast give an idea the benefit of the doubt and try it atleast once. Now just for contexual clarity I’m talking about in the context of marriage ( I dont endorse sex before marriage).

My wife for example as an example of compromise, she was kid of shy concerning her body and you know me viewing it, and I talked to her about her possibly dancing for me in the privacy of our home of course, she laughed at the idea, but then after a couple of times of trying it, she is no longer shy and now she loves to display her body to be while dancing, just using that as an example of compromise in the sexual arena of things…

I suppose that I’m simply encouraging spouses to be what your spouse needs or desires for you to be…. I know this article had nothing to do with what I said here, but its all intertwined….:)

Jessica March 18, 2009, 3:22 AM

I like doing it because I’m good at it, but what if he doesn’t like reciprocating? That’s why I don’t do it as much anymore, because if I’m not getting any, I don’t see why he should. There’s gotta be balance. I know that’s a bit childish, but that’s the way my cookie crumbles.

Sherry March 19, 2009, 11:00 AM

I loved the article….I can be a giver…as long as I am also getting.

Anonymous March 21, 2009, 3:05 AM

i see why you’re related to ellen xD

Kelly March 22, 2009, 2:39 PM

I can’t stand women who withhold thins from their husbands to get what they want. I agree that there are major issues there.
My husband loves oral sex, and I love giving him that pleasure. But then again, he does the same for me. Reciprocation is a big thing, people. If you love someone, and have no “issues” about oral, then what is the big deal?

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