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The Untold Dynamics of Oral Sex

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A dad tells women why we should do "down there."
Couple in bed

Charles Orlando: Call it what you want: oral sex, going down "there" ... for some women, it's the worst part of their sex life. For others, it's a way of getting close to the man they love. And men ... well ... men seem to live for it. But what of the common lament from men ("The fastest way to stop a woman from performing oral sex is to marry her"), and what are the real motivators on both sides of this sexual equation? I asked these questions on my website and received over 250 responses. Anonymity was an option for the women choosing to respond, and nearly all were submitted without any identifying information, so the data is real ... and raw.

Some of these women loved the inherent intimacy this personal act provided. It was an adjunct to their sex life, serving as a connection to their husbands/boyfriends when the day-to-day of life lingers and disallows spontaneity: "When I first started dating my husband, it happened all the time and I loved it. For many years -- and when I had the luxury of sleeping in -- it was always a lot of fun. And I also believe that it shows my husband how much I care for him still and only want to be with him. Nine years later, it's a little more challenging to get around to doing it as often as I'd like, but two young kids will do that to you. I still enjoy it and can tell that my husband does too. And it's sort of our sign to each other that tonight is the night to take our time and enjoy each other."

Some were disgusted by the entire prospect of oral sex ... period. "I HATE IT! I hate doing it, I hate the thought of it, I hate everything about it! Come on, that is where you pee from! He of course BEGS for it ALL THE TIME! Seriously, I tried to like it for him. I really did. I tried and tried and tried and threw up all over him (which completely ruined the mood!). And for the record, I am one of those women who enjoys watching porn! I just can't do it!"

And some had the funniest stories:
"I was crazy in love with this southern boy many years ago (he was the guy who I ended up liking drunk more than sober.) Of course, I wanted to ... you know... and well it didn't go over well. Without getting into too much detail, he basically told me I sucked ... literally! All I remember was that he looked up from the pillow, with his lips curled around his teeth, rapidly pointing at them mumbling, "TOO MUCH TEETH, TOO MUCH TEETH! IT'S NOT A STRAW!" I was so embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under the bed and die. I thought I was 'really good'. I think I was absent the day they taught that portion of Sex Ed in 8th grade."

As I read these private accounts of sex, I noticed something: the "sweet-and-innocent" and "Eww!" stories were at opposite ends of the bell curve. The majority of respondents were in the middle, where the motivators for oral sex are not so clear-cut. The act of oral sex is filled with issues. Intimacy and trust spring to mind instantly ... but the less discussed -- and perhaps most important -- issues loom like the proverbial elephant in the room: control and dominance.

A large percentage of a man's ego is built on his virility, as well as a multitude of other sexually-charged items: penis size, number of women he's bedded, sexual prowess and "skill" ... the list goes on and on. And given the anemic economy, men who have lost their jobs are looking to improve their self-esteems, and rejuvenate their identities.

I'm not suggesting that oral sex is a man's way of finding self-worth, but a when a man is "in control," it can often counteract feelings of inadequacy, serving as a distraction to balance out any negative feelings. But is he truly in control when a woman is down on him?

Sex is the subject men discuss with their cohorts, both before a date and after -- often with the same question asked: "Yo! Did you 'hit it'?" So, it's not surprising that as specific acts are discussed, a man would think he's in charge. And receiving oral sex might serve as the prime example of a man under the false assumption that he is in control.

Now, look; I am not about to field a bunch of e-mail from women about how oral sex is evil, or from men about how I'm screwing up their sex lives. Let's get this out of the way: Sex and all things to do with sex are great. What I'm alluding to is the motivation for the act -- why he wants it, and why she wants to do it. According to my survey -- as well as the research I carried out to write "The Problem with Women... is Men," the reasons for women wanting to perform the act vary. The loving reasons I allude to above, but what I also discovered was an undertow in the Ocean of Love: women gaining control over the men, with men their cooperative, willing submissives.

"I LOVE going down there for my fiancé! It makes me feel very empowered to know that I am capable of giving him maximum pleasure!!!" "My friend told me how she gives her husband oral sex when she wants something big. The trick is to hold out for a while ... like a couple of weeks. Then go for it, give him the best [expletive] of your life."

"Going down? I love it. I really do. It puts you in a powerful place for negotiating to get things done your way and I've yet to meet a man who would say no to it." "How do you think I am able to go shopping, slack on the laundry, and take bubble baths in the evening? Even hinting at going down will have him saying, 'Yes honey; whatever you want,' for a week... at LEAST."

In delving further with some of these respondents, we discovered that the truth -- the seduction for them, if you will -- of why they like performing oral sex was the power they gained ... the control. Which makes complete sense when you consider the act. Truth be told, regardless of if he's holding the woman's head/hair, standing over her with her on her knees, whatever ... he is still a submissive. Need more proof? Picture it: There he is on his back, arms stretched out, eyes closed, completely at the woman's mercy -- with the most sensitive part of his anatomy exposed and defenseless, not to mention that it's placed in an area where it could be severed from his body. This is a man in control? Of course not. This sexual act is the epitome of physical and emotional vulnerability. He is 100% devoid of control. It's also interesting that so many men prefer oral sex to intercourse. Perhaps if more women recognized how naturally submissive many men are, they would put their foot down more often instead of putting up with constant passive aggression and pseudo-controlling behavior.

It's written, "Behind every great man is a woman." I would argue that perhaps, "In front of every potentially great woman is an underdeveloped, mediocre man who won't get out of her way."

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next: I Have New Respect for Single Moms!
45 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lakwanza March 22, 2009, 11:13 PM

My man didn’t do laundry, grocery shop, cook or clean. So I didn’t give him anything extra than straight missionary.

Lakwanza March 24, 2009, 2:47 AM

My man drank tons of Mountain Dew soda and had a poor diet. His sperm smell like mildew, so I couldn’t do anything but want to vomit.

Tiffany March 24, 2009, 4:29 AM

My lover ate an organic diet and his sperm tasted like lobster flown in from Maine. You are what you eat.

Anonymous March 24, 2009, 10:01 AM

from a guys standpoint who LOVES his WIFE I would hope that she does that because she LOVES me period and I LOVE her thats what marriage is about remember that. No strings its called compromise so talk people ask and tell what u like and what u would like keep on talking people

anonymous March 27, 2009, 9:31 AM

My comment has absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter. However, what surprises me most, about the comments on this site, is the lack of education. No, I don’t mean a lack of education on the topic, but a very serious lack of knowledge in the areas of sentence structure, grammer, and punctuation. I am aware that some people do it sarcasticly to prove a point, but most are seriously lacking very basic skills. Why would anyone respect an opinion that is coming from the ignorant?

Tammy March 31, 2009, 10:16 AM

LOVE IT!! It’s a TOTAL myth that black women don’t like to GIVE oral sex. Love to be in control.

Anonymous April 10, 2009, 6:11 PM

i hate you

linda April 14, 2009, 9:41 PM

Only do it if you want to. I hate to do it, and I hate that my husband is always asking for it.

Just a man's input! April 15, 2009, 3:02 PM

I have been married to the same woman for almost 22 years and I still get a thrill off of giving her a thrill. If you were to ask her she would tell you I never ask her to take care of me orally. Thats because it is something that she should want to do and not something she feels she needs to do.
Maybe I am one of those few that could survive without it, but am certainly grateful I have a wife that seems to enjoy reciprocating!
Charles, keep it up!

Anonymous April 21, 2009, 10:43 PM

Truth be told, regardless of if he’s holding the woman’s head/hair, standing over her with her on her knees, whatever … he is still a submissive.

In my case, I’m a submissive woman in a consensual M/s relationship, and being on my knees performing oral is a very submissive act.
He decides how he wants it and when he wants it and I comply-willingly. That’s our dynamic. I love doing it and I’m good at it. I’ve never thought of being in control while giving oral. When it comes down to it, it’s all about pleasure and pleasing your partner.

sunshine44 April 22, 2009, 7:29 AM

I was married to a man for 25 years who was rude and crude about wanting oral sex. He wasn’t really like that about other things, just that one thing. He was a very critical person, though. Because of his attitude I never did give him what he wanted, not as a punishment, but because he made me feel,….hmmm,….out of control? cheap? like I might not be good at it?…I just know it didn’t feel right. I’m now dating someone who is supportive of me in all areas of my life, and is very generous & thoughtful. I LOVE going down on him, and he is the ONLY man I have given this pleasure to. Maybe there is a lesson here for the guys, I’m not sure, but I do know our relationship is very different from any other I have ever had.

JR May 4, 2009, 4:31 PM

I am lucky enough to have a wife of 27 years who did and still does give me oral on a daily basis, she is amazing at it and has never used it to get anything…I often recipacate for her and we do it aot in the shower…she has never swallowed and I dont ask her too, but she always takes my load in her mouth…her pleasure to me is awesome…she does it cause she wants to not becuase she is forced….

Upkvmfwl June 23, 2009, 9:31 PM

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isellepson2 July 12, 2009, 7:12 AM

Funny, why would I have googled ” why wives don’t perform oral”? After reading this article I notice that some do. After 19 Years of marriage things have gone down hill in the oral dept.
Old age has settled in both mentally and physically. She has stopped sharing oral sex because it hurts her jaw. Her desire for any kind of sex seems to be when she remembers about it which could be every 2-3 weeks.
My desire for it ( oral sex) has grown more with the knowledge that its like hitting the lottery. She also doesn’t like when I perform oral on her because “its to sensitive, tickels or hurts”.I know watch more porn than I did when I was a teenager. She doesn’t care about pleasing me. She feels its a self centered need. I would gladly reciprocate if allowed. It scares me to think about being married to someone who is no longer compatabile in the bedroom after so long. I’m not a canidate for cheating so I just exsist fustrated, angry, lonely , and horny all the time.
That’s just how I honestly feel and no one has the right to deny me those feelings.
I love my wife still.

Rachelle September 5, 2009, 12:11 AM

Ana- sounds to me like YOU are the egotistical one if you are afraid of getting wrinkles from blowing your boyfriend. That’s just stupid.

Linda- it’s frustrating when boyfriends/husbands want you to perform something sexually, that you’re just not into. But just be glad he’s begging you to go down “there,” & not beggIng to go in the back door. I’d count my blessings. (;

As for me, in the shower is GREAT! That’s the best for me. I don’t do it nearly as much for my husband as I used to, but it does seem harder now that we have a child, etc., to find time for ANYTHING, let alone sex.

I do like the article & I agree with it too. Even my Shrink told me, if I want my husband to start “doing more” around the house (I.e. Garbage, picking up after himself, etc) then he needed to be trained. My Shrink is a MAN, and he said, “You know, you can get a man to do just about anything with a blowj*b. It makes sense. It’s just a PART of your sex life. Every psychologist says that sex is necessary for a happy marriage. Of course I want to please my husband, but the good mood that he’s in for the next day or two afterward is even better!

Anonymous March 20, 2010, 9:33 AM

I was so glad I found this site. A good discussion, and I knew it wouldn’t involve graphic media, yet still discuss this for what it is. Thanks.

blues4you September 8, 2010, 4:45 PM

My wife loves trying to deep throat me. I’m about 8” . We play a little game where she marks on my member with a marker how far she goes down during our love making.
She swallows my love always.
I’m always glad to perform oral on her and she loves coning on my face.
Different strokes for different folks.
As long as we have true love and the passion we will continue to enjoy gods given pleasures.

Maria October 12, 2010, 3:02 PM

You can love a man and not give him oral. The threat that he will leave or cheat for a blow job is to try to scare woman into giving them. Since there is nothing in giving a blow job except a mans pleasure, giving them in exchange for keeping him is a degrading concept and most men know better. Men are sometimes selfish and stupid when they follow their little brain around but they learn that leaving a marriage or risking a marriage is hardly worth the price they pay. Not many women like doing it and the ones who say they do are doing it to get the man or is lying. So a man can chase a blow job from one woman to the next and end up with 3X wives 5 children and no bj. The only women that give bj in fear of the man leaving are sad and the men they service not worth the skin they occupy. Even those frightened woman stop and divorce the lout. You can talk that crap if it makes you feel better but it gets you less not more no one will do anything that they feel required to do even your wives.

Mary Swan October 23, 2010, 5:48 AM

I have fond of reading all things about sex. This is very nice.

Ten Tees January 9, 2011, 11:47 AM

Good post! Enjoyable and fun reading. I have one thing to give about funny t-shirts.

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