But can we at least have a whack at those eyebrows?!
Jodi Bryson: If you're one of the tens of millions of people, including Oprah Winfrey, who has an interest in Susan Boyle of "Britain's Got Talent," I appreciate that you have your reasons. I admit that I am utterly preoccupied with her, but it has nothing to do with her singing or the fact that she's a 47-year-old virgin.
You can watch the "Today" interview and performance. I recommend you only listen to it.
It's mean, I know. I believe Oprah must have designs to transform her from the Flawless Voice who looks like Benny Hill on qualudes into the Flawless Voice who looks like Benny Hill on Sephora. Oprah wants it. I know she does. Oprah wears false lashes every day. Oprah is my people.
Since Boyle brought the British crowd to its feet with a performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Misérables," she is both a media phenom and 12-year-old contestant Shaheen Jafargholi's biggest competition. Have you YouTubed the kid? Ridiculous! Boyle could be on any opera stage singing like any opera star. Perfect is the curriculum goal in classic voice training, and Boyle is delivering perfection. Jafargholi is giving prodigious soul.
I know this is harsh and superficial but, secretly, beauty writers are harsh and superficial. When I'm reporting beauty, it's my job to help you feel gorgeous, to help you get to that elusive and ideal beautiful "there" from where you are now. But I can never be entirely honest about your appearance. I have to be subtle, make suggestions, offer a few tips, and capitalize on your best features. Today I'm just being brutally honest about Boyle.
If I could, I would do a drive-by makeover on the sweet lady. I already fantasize about drive-by makeovers at work: daydreams about a cart that I could wheel around corporate offices and do cubicle makeovers to correct infuriating drugstore eyeliner or attend to neglected eyebrows. I'd color and style hair. I'd have a healthy stock of white button-down blouses and Audrey Hepburn flats.
When my client looked fresh, I'd say "Gorgeous, look at me." Then FWAP! I'd slap her. I would do this because there is no excuse for rusty blush and it pisses me off, but I'd convince her this is because humble is attractive and adrenaline brings color to the cheeks. And that would be true, too. Then I'd give her a shot of tequila, an espresso, and a mint. For the rest of the day, coworkers might say "Golly, that Joan looks great today and she's just so delightful!" As opposed to, "Watch out, Joan is walking around cornering people into talking about her damn cats again."
What the hell did Joan ever do to me? Nothing. But beauty is part of my profession. Joan needs me. Boyle needs me. Boyle needs a team of beauty experts. Boyle needs Oprah's team to take care of business for Friday's appearance. But it could be tough.
Amanda Holden, a judge on "Britain's Got Talent," said this: "She needs to stay exactly the way she is because that's the reason we love her." I thought it was Boyle's voice people love, but Holden has a point. And I have a mission.
If Boyle is going to beat the boy out of the grand prize, well, simply put, I'm going to need her to not look like Gene Hackman. And the virgin thing? Sweetheart! My makeover could change that, too.
Bitchy? I apologize, even if I can't change my position. Correct me if I'm wrong, or send me some love if you agree.
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