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Take Your Baby Shower and Stick It

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Pregnant ladies of the world, take note as I wax poetic on why I'd rather be sunbathing in Antarctica than eating finger foods at your baby shower.

Childless Bitch: Hey there, girlfriend, acquaintance, coworker,

baby shower

I hear you're knocked up. Congratulations! No really, I am truly happy for you. It's been fun watching you grow and glow and yes, I do feel bad about the hideous maternity clothes your body is being forced into. Hey, what's this? An invite to your baby shower? flk&j#lj@dlf!

Pregnant ladies of the world, take note as I wax poetic on why I'd rather be sunbathing in Antarctica than eating finger foods at your baby shower. Here's the thing: baby showers are a great way to stack up on burping bibs (is that a thing?) and adorable onesies that will declare your future spawn a "boob man" or "mommy and daddy's little tax write-off." Those gifts are necessities, and I totally get that. What I don't get are the party games you force us to play that make us feel like total imbeciles. Really, you're going to pass around a diaper with a melted chocolate bar in it and have us identify what kind of chocolate poop it is? Really?! And you want me to do so while wearing a crazy hat and being forced to make conversation with your trailer-park aunt I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of "Intervention" last week? I think I'll be busy cleaning up my Facebook page that day. Sorry.

In an otherwise perfect world, a baby shower would last an hour and a half and might go a little something like this: There'd be real food in real human portions -- not something you'd need to eat fifteen of to fill up on. There'd be alcohol! Wine, beer, hairspray, anything -- and none of which would be drunk out of a baby bottle. I would step up and take full responsibility for keeping your crazy aunt away from it. There wouldn't be a theme -- "baby coming soon!" is sufficient enough -- or a crazy accessory I'd look ridiculous wearing. I wouldn't be punished for saying the word "baby" or "C-section" or whatever -- because that's not a fun game and it sucks. There'd be presents and they'd be opened in a timely manner. I would hug you, wish you luck, tell you what a funny lady your aunt is, then stumble into a cab and call it a day. It's that easy. Everyone wins!


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31 comments so far | Post a comment now
AM  April 28, 2009, 3:25 AM

WOW!! I’m shocked! Honestly schocked!! I thought I was the only one who felt this way. And I know this is strange but I’m really happy to know that I’m not the only one :O)

Anonymous April 28, 2009, 7:49 AM

Exactly! And if it’s your second, third, or fourth child? I’m going to hope that you’ve had enough of real life diapers filled with pooh to subject people to those stupid games.

kris April 28, 2009, 8:17 AM

This is hillarious I have only had only one baby shower given for me and thank god they never played any of the stupid games I am subjected to when I do attend a baby shower. Its nice to know I’m not the only one who loathes these pointless games. But I will say that the food was never finger food it was pot luck style with the guests all putting in on what is being cooked or bought and coordinating it. That’s the only part I differ on. I have never had finger foods served at a baby shower and would probably leave early if I did attend on with finger food. To each his on I say.

So Not Worth It Anon April 28, 2009, 9:17 AM

Why aren’t baby showers obsolete, when your average parents to be are well over twenty-seven years old and too independent to be told by their friends and family en masse how to raise their child under the guise of having a party thrown for them and receiving gifts? Also, I’ve never understood why the workplace was ever considered an appropriate location to throw one, when having a child is an extremely personal thing, and if a co-worker is not particularly close to the expectant mom, (which most aren’t), they will feel nothing but awkwardness at having to buy a gift for someone they don’t know, and for such a personal (gross) reason.

Anonymous April 28, 2009, 11:17 AM

I agree with CB

cambria April 28, 2009, 12:02 PM

my mom had to play pin the fetus on the mommy. true story.

Mic April 28, 2009, 12:37 PM

OMG! I totally agree with the poster. I have 2 kids, & begged my friends @ my last one NOT to have any stupid games! They said ok, but then insisted at the last moment. I HATE baby showers!!!!!

Anonymous April 28, 2009, 12:53 PM

Haha My mom threw my shower for me. Like me, she hated the games she was forced to play, so she didn’t plan any. We had normal food, and I opened the gifts, said thanks to everyone, and we all talked while eating. And it was AFTER the baby was born, so I didn’t get anything pink for my boy, and I got a lot of cash, since I wanted a rocking chair and everyone who didn’t know what to get could contribute to that. Another bonus to having it after - everyone’s too busy gushing over the baby to care that we’re not playing stupid games. It was over in a couple of hours. Honestly? Best baby shower I’ve ever been to! lol

Toni April 28, 2009, 1:29 PM

I hate baby showers/bridal showers….for my baby shower it was NO GAMES, pizza, co-ed, AND A KEG!!!!

Anonymous April 28, 2009, 3:20 PM

People are so damned rude these days. You cannot pick what people plan for a party they throw you (and spend a lot of money on)!!! People should be thankful that someone cared enough to give them a shower!

Isn’t this an old story anyways? Seems I read this a few weeks or months ago on here!

Anonymous April 28, 2009, 9:55 PM

Are people honestly this rude? Try stepping into the shoes of someone who’s child had a disability at birth. A mom that could truly use a shower because medical bills have left her in ruins. Your post amazes me. Just don’t go.

MarcomMom April 28, 2009, 9:56 PM

I understand the feeling from my single days. I actually did attend this perfect shower she mentions. It was a catered brunch with made-to-order omelettes and mimosas in a perfect setting on a second-floor patio on a gorgeous SoCal day. The ONLY things we did related to the baby were join a pool guessing the actual delivery date and watch the mom-to-be-again open her presents. On the way out we chose from gourmet boxed cupcakes—mine was lemon. I have to say, as lovely as it was, it didn’t feel all that warm and personal. But I definitely don’t think random co-workers should be expected to attend these things. Close friends from anywhere, yes—but no fancy presents for the third baby. Token gifts and hugs and chit-chat and promises to babysit should suffice.

Christy April 28, 2009, 9:57 PM

I hate all showers as a general rule. But anything with stupid games is even less cool. At the very least, let me just mingle with the people I know and relax. My showers were all too big (people-wise) for games other than gift bingo and trivia (all of which people could ignore), so I feel fortunate about that! And they all had alcohol of some sort or another. Maybe you need different friends/family/co-workers!

Carrie April 28, 2009, 10:01 PM

When I’m throwing a shower, there is ALWAYS booze. Makes the silly games more fun.

Just Don't Go April 28, 2009, 10:08 PM

It is true some people could use the help a baby shower showers on you. There is absolutely No reason to involve people you work with unless they are actually friends of your away from work.
The last poster is right. I Just Don’t Go.

Melissa April 28, 2009, 10:14 PM

Love you!!! Well said! xo

Holly April 28, 2009, 10:15 PM

Baby showers are from a bygone era when ladies had class… Unlike Toni and her kegger/baby shower.

GracieG April 28, 2009, 10:32 PM

If I’m not mistaken, this is known as a rant. An over-the-top form of expression that isn’t meant to be taken seriously but to vent about things that annoy a person. Chill out, people. It’s totally funny. If you don’t get it, stay away from McSweeney’s.

Amelia April 28, 2009, 10:48 PM

I laughed out loud reading this- a baby shower is a fabulous idea, great way to help with the overwhelming cost of bringing a child into the world…and it can be a great way to catch up with friends and family…but the games…this throws me. So glad I have never had to play guess the poop game- that’s a waste of a perfectly good chocolate bar… isn’t that a sin? ;-)

Glossolaliac April 28, 2009, 11:58 PM

Um, DUH.

I had two rules at my baby shower: (1) Lots of wine, and (2) no games. Everybody had a great time. It’s just that easy.

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