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Take Your Baby Shower and Stick It

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Pregnant ladies of the world, take note as I wax poetic on why I'd rather be sunbathing in Antarctica than eating finger foods at your baby shower.

Childless Bitch: Hey there, girlfriend, acquaintance, coworker,

baby shower

I hear you're knocked up. Congratulations! No really, I am truly happy for you. It's been fun watching you grow and glow and yes, I do feel bad about the hideous maternity clothes your body is being forced into. Hey, what's this? An invite to your baby shower? flk&j#lj@dlf!

Pregnant ladies of the world, take note as I wax poetic on why I'd rather be sunbathing in Antarctica than eating finger foods at your baby shower. Here's the thing: baby showers are a great way to stack up on burping bibs (is that a thing?) and adorable onesies that will declare your future spawn a "boob man" or "mommy and daddy's little tax write-off." Those gifts are necessities, and I totally get that. What I don't get are the party games you force us to play that make us feel like total imbeciles. Really, you're going to pass around a diaper with a melted chocolate bar in it and have us identify what kind of chocolate poop it is? Really?! And you want me to do so while wearing a crazy hat and being forced to make conversation with your trailer-park aunt I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of "Intervention" last week? I think I'll be busy cleaning up my Facebook page that day. Sorry.

In an otherwise perfect world, a baby shower would last an hour and a half and might go a little something like this: There'd be real food in real human portions -- not something you'd need to eat fifteen of to fill up on. There'd be alcohol! Wine, beer, hairspray, anything -- and none of which would be drunk out of a baby bottle. I would step up and take full responsibility for keeping your crazy aunt away from it. There wouldn't be a theme -- "baby coming soon!" is sufficient enough -- or a crazy accessory I'd look ridiculous wearing. I wouldn't be punished for saying the word "baby" or "C-section" or whatever -- because that's not a fun game and it sucks. There'd be presents and they'd be opened in a timely manner. I would hug you, wish you luck, tell you what a funny lady your aunt is, then stumble into a cab and call it a day. It's that easy. Everyone wins!


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31 comments so far | Post a comment now
Ms. Monica April 29, 2009, 3:01 AM

The games are quite redundant . My perfect shower would be without games. I agree a two hour party. Enough food and cake for everyone. Hey, we might turn it into a real party with non-alcoholic cocktails. A little music and some dancing. Better yet, it’ll be a backyard BBQ. Everyone is invited, men and women and I’ll open my presents later after everyone is gone. Seen one onsie seen em’ all! Who’s with me?

dee April 29, 2009, 10:24 AM

whatever happened to having a baby shower ONLY for a first baby to help a young couple with the big expenses ie. crib and matching dresser, stroller, car seat etc. and those cute onesies? when one continues to have children the assumption is the crib and other major accessories like the high chair will be passed down.friends and family can always give unsolicited gifts to future offspring but to keep expecting gifts just because you’re expecting? come on!

Maria April 29, 2009, 12:49 PM

Baby showers are a great event, a time to celebrate the beginning of a new life. I love planning them and attending them, but I totally agree about the baby shower games. There are tons of other ways to have fun.

Chrissy April 29, 2009, 11:28 PM

I have no problems with baby showers or bridal showers.
But I don’t think keggers are appropriate.
I also do not attend a baby shower when it’s the mother-to-be’s second or third or, god forbidden ( I only mean that you should be having a fourth baby shower. Not god forbidden a fourth child) fourth child.
Baby showers should only accord for the first pregnancy. When the mother doesn’t have the baby stuff and may not even know what stuff she needs.
And, sorry, don’t care it’s is child number four but first with husband number 2.
I actually had a relative who stated that all her children deserve new stuff and that she threw, thats right threw instead of doante, away all her childrens clothing and toys so that her next child doesn’t end up with used stuff.
THAT is far more offensive to me then silly baby shower games.

Shower Trailers May 7, 2009, 6:43 PM

I just love the baby shower season..yeah.

SA May 12, 2009, 8:24 PM

I can deal with the rest, but the games are the worst. When we had a shower for my sister, we found the least offensive ones possible (gift bingo, fill-in-the-blank nursery rhymes, etc.). I refuse to play games that involve fake bodily excretions, or wrapping toilet paper around the mother to guess her size, or any of that other nonseense. Thank God there has usually been alcohol at the ones I’ve been to.
The work showers need to go. I feel like I’ve been to more showers for co-workers than friends, and I don’t even like my co-workers.

Dere May 27, 2009, 4:13 PM

Move to England, no such thing as a babyshower there

ayse76 July 27, 2009, 1:53 PM

Hahaha—I’m pregnant and my baby shower is this coming weekend, but I had to laugh. This is so true and hilarious. My sister is putting it on and I already know she’s doing the chocolate-in-a-diaper game.

But what can you do but grin and bear it? If you can’t do that, then send a card and gift (or not) with your regrets and stay home.

Holly W. March 3, 2010, 7:47 PM

Baby Showers are an outdated sexist tradition. I would much rather have a barbecue at my house after the baby is about 2-3 months old.

Liz Cole December 14, 2010, 6:26 PM

I’d rather attend a baby shower, than a wedding shower for a greedy, entitled 22 year old bride.

Dest February 26, 2011, 4:03 PM

I am currently sitting in a room full of estrogen, deciding that I will never again attend a baby shower… and if anyone tries to throw me one when that time comes, I’m still not attending!

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