Childless Bitch: Hey there, girlfriend, acquaintance, coworker,
I hear you're knocked up. Congratulations! No really, I am truly happy for you. It's been fun watching you grow and glow and yes, I do feel bad about the hideous maternity clothes your body is being forced into. Hey, what's this? An invite to your baby shower? flk&j#lj@dlf!
Pregnant ladies of the world, take note as I wax poetic on why I'd rather be sunbathing in Antarctica than eating finger foods at your baby shower. Here's the thing: baby showers are a great way to stack up on burping bibs (is that a thing?) and adorable onesies that will declare your future spawn a "boob man" or "mommy and daddy's little tax write-off." Those gifts are necessities, and I totally get that. What I don't get are the party games you force us to play that make us feel like total imbeciles. Really, you're going to pass around a diaper with a melted chocolate bar in it and have us identify what kind of chocolate poop it is? Really?! And you want me to do so while wearing a crazy hat and being forced to make conversation with your trailer-park aunt I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of "Intervention" last week? I think I'll be busy cleaning up my Facebook page that day. Sorry.
In an otherwise perfect world, a baby shower would last an hour and a half and might go a little something like this: There'd be real food in real human portions -- not something you'd need to eat fifteen of to fill up on. There'd be alcohol! Wine, beer, hairspray, anything -- and none of which would be drunk out of a baby bottle. I would step up and take full responsibility for keeping your crazy aunt away from it. There wouldn't be a theme -- "baby coming soon!" is sufficient enough -- or a crazy accessory I'd look ridiculous wearing. I wouldn't be punished for saying the word "baby" or "C-section" or whatever -- because that's not a fun game and it sucks. There'd be presents and they'd be opened in a timely manner. I would hug you, wish you luck, tell you what a funny lady your aunt is, then stumble into a cab and call it a day. It's that easy. Everyone wins!