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Why I Hate the School Auction

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It's like high school all over again!

couple drunk and laughing at the school auction fundraiser

Katie Wisdom Weinstein: The School Auction. I love to hate it. Every school has one now, and just as we were conditioned to the school prom every year, we now are conditioned to this yearly torture.

The players have not changed much since prom. There is the PTA President a.k.a. Senior Class Prez (she bought her dress months ago) and the Auction Coordinator, or Head Cheerleader (she bought her outfit months ago too, but you can almost envision a real knock-down, drag-out for the Auction Queen title between the two). The jocks are there, handing over their bidding numbers to wives who charmingly beg for the endearing but ugly 3rd grade quilt or the basket of mediocre spa goodies. What heroes.

The quiet (Ally Sheedy in "The Breakfast Club") alternative types are still there. Of course, they end up looking cooler than everyone else, shunning the chatter for a table with a couple of wine bottles and whispers. The tech-savvy computer nerds are still there, smarter than everyone and with hotter wives. How does that happen? Then, there is our table: the misfits.

My husband and I sit at the naughty table every year. We are the table that talks during the event and drinks too much wine. We always love this crew -- the only 2 gay couples in the school, the sexy divorced dad, the rocket-hot mom and her subdued (2nd) doctor husband, and us. We would all like to spike the punch and make out in the bathroom, but instead we find ourselves buying gaudy plastic necklaces, not understanding the rules of the fundraiser games, and generally laughing our asses off and cheering on the big spenders. We really get our wine goggles on for this event.

I know it is hard work to put on a school auction. I helped put this event on for years! I did not have the team spirit needed for victory. Now, I just love to see how high school is played out again. It is our second chance. The pimples and groping may be a thing of the past, but we can reinvent ourselves for this one night a year and spend our money on kids instead of cheap beer and clove cigarettes.

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16 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous April 26, 2009, 11:09 AM

what’s the purpose of a school auction?

Kristen April 26, 2009, 4:37 PM

I’m appalled at your behavior, this isn’t a company party or picnic, this is a school function. I get wanting to have fun, but drinking? Also if you don’t like it don’t participate.

A Gypsy April 26, 2009, 8:03 PM

The point of a school auction is to raise money for your school - and it is considerably easier to do so if the participants are well-lubricated - why else would you buy the 3rd grade quilt if not egged on by your fellow lit parents??

Plus, if I paid $70 for two plus babysitter, you betcha I’m gonna imbibe!

Sarah P. April 27, 2009, 12:01 AM

Drinking good wine and auctions go hand in hand-I thought everyone knew this! Hilarious take on auctions. I cannot even tell you the “adorable” things I have ended up with! Now I can look at our auction a whole new way…I have to BEG my husband to go! Maybe if we sat at your table??!!

AM  April 28, 2009, 3:39 AM

Cheap beer and clove cigs…. ahh the memories …We don’t get out much anymore so livin’ it up at the school auction sounds like fun to me. Too bad our auctions don’t serve alcohol they could raise more money and get more people to come if they did. But I do hope you’re taking a cab home… or maybe sharing a limo ride with your partners in crime…

Zada May 1, 2009, 12:33 PM

Hi Katie, love your writing style. How on earth do you have time to put into your blog creation with so much going on? Kudos to you!
Love, Zada

Anonymous November 2, 2009, 10:26 PM

I hate the school auction…

test January 18, 2010, 2:47 PM

testing… April 3, 2011, 6:06 PM

The_school_auction.. Not so bad :) April 22, 2011, 6:01 AM

The_school_auction.. Great! :) April 29, 2011, 5:13 PM

The_school_auction.. Nice :) June 2, 2011, 4:53 PM

The_school_auction.. Dandy :) June 2, 2011, 10:09 PM

The_school_auction.. Corking :) June 4, 2011, 5:14 PM

The_school_auction.. Neat :) June 4, 2011, 10:28 PM

The_school_auction.. Nifty :) June 12, 2011, 6:44 PM

The_school_auction.. Not so bad :)

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