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7 Reasons I Hate Being a Mommy

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Some women just looooove being a mommy. I'm not one of them.

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Momlogic's Momstrosity:
I can't sugar-coat my views on this whole endless motherhood gig  For me, it's been difficult transitioning from a self-centered, self-absorbed woman to a self-centered, self-absorbed woman ... with a kid. I take it day by day.

And with the above admission, I have to include the usual caveat so you, dear reader, don't feel inclined to rat me out to Child Protective Services. Hear this: I love my daughter more than life itself -- if, for example, you tried to harm but a hair on her tiny little head, I would personally tear your heart out with a Dora the Explorer fork. See? I'm a good mommy.

The truth is, I love being a mom but hate being a "mommy." Here's why: 

1) MOMMY MALADIES

What's up with the "mommy brain," momnesia, and mom guilt? Why does being a mom mean we suddenly get a whole list of crutches to explain away our obvious flaws? Coupled with what we get away with when our "Aunt Flo" comes to visit, it's a wonder men, or anyone, can stand being around us at all.

2) MOMMY BLOGGING
Thousands of women make a living blogging about their daily family lives ad nauseum. (FYI, a woman whose name sounds suspiciously like "douche" makes a comfy living.) The competition is intense. You've gotta have a hook. If my daughter suddenly sprouted male genitalia, I'd be on easy street.

3) MOMMY MARKETING
To make a buck, the new fad among marketers is attaching the "M" word to just about anything. Take "mom jewelry." Similar to notches on a belt, it screams "Hey, world!! I had sex once and here's the proof!!!"  Then there's the "mom jeans" and even full-body plastic surgery now dubbed the "mom job." Hey, I'm not immune to the trend. When "Mommy Be Gone" brand birth-control pills hit the stores, I'm buying. In bulk.

4) MOMMY AND ME CLASSES
First of all, can't we at least be grammatically correct? No one who attends these little mommy get-togethers should homeschool their kids. Period. I believe the proper grammar is "Mommy and I."  But I'm not here to split hairs ... because what they should really be called is  "Scared Sh*tless Women Who Just Had Babies and Are Going Out of Their Flippin' Minds from Boredom Class." What? Too long?

5) PEOPLE WHO CALL ME "MOMMY" WHO AREN'T MY DAUGHTER
When someone asks me if I like being a "Mommy," usually in an annoying sing-songy voice, I feel that queasiness only a real "Mommy" can know. At that moment, I long for some residual morning sickness so I can throw up on their shoes ... but in a nice way, of course.

6) MOMMY TOPICS
When I find myself talking to other moms and the subject turns to (what else?!) our kids -- I somehow get stuck taking part in scintillating conversations about the intricacies of toddler nap schedules. It's enough to make me nod off into my salad.

7) MOMMIES AREN'T COOL
Yeah, I know we'd all like to believe we "still got it" and delude ourselves with catch phrases like MILF and "hot mama," but the sad truth is being a mommy is about as sexy as being a cafeteria lady -- engaging in the endless drudgery of feeding our ungrateful kids ... wearing a hairnet.


next: Texas Mom Jailed for Putting Fetus in Fridge
16 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous May 8, 2009, 3:35 PM

I had a mommyectomy where you have the word surgically removed from your brain and replaced with “Ted” try it, Ted. You might feel better.

Swapmom May 8, 2009, 3:52 PM

I love this article.I started to feel I was the only one in the world that wants to quit being a stay at home mom and go back to work. It’s not as easy and as wonderful as everyone thinks. It’s not a Johnson & Johnson commercial.

Beth in SF May 8, 2009, 4:52 PM

Super funny, and so super true. Especially number 5. Just had that happen for the first time yesterday. I was thinking…Hello I have a name! But, I’m going to keep claiming Mommy Brain, haha. How else could I possibly explain why I left a dirty pan in the oven for 3 days (wondering all along what that nasty smell was) and then heating up the oven without removing said pan and filling my whole house with the smell of burning rotted food. Mommy Brain got me out of it, the hubs even apologized for not looking inside the oven first, haha.

MoonTea May 8, 2009, 7:29 PM

OMG! Thank you,thank you! Finally somebody said what we are all thinking!

Anonymous May 8, 2009, 7:53 PM

you are so right about the guilt! I feel like I have to explain why I haven’t lost the extra 50 pounds I’m carrying around after having my third child 2 months ago. I feel guilty about everything!

Sakura May 9, 2009, 12:05 AM

#7 is probably the most hilarious of all…Kind of like when you think about wearing the sexy underwear for the hubs…and realize they don’t fit like they used to…and when you feel like you’re having a “skinny” day and you wear the low-rise jeans, and then one of the little ones sees and possibly pulls your underwear up your butt crack because you forgot that if you bend over it shows…and all of a sudden, you don’t feel so sexy or confident anymore…And the hubs wonders why we’re so moody! LOL

Anonymous May 9, 2009, 10:17 PM

i feel the same way….

Elena May 10, 2009, 12:47 AM

Great article! Thanks for the laugh:)

makeadiff21.com May 11, 2009, 3:51 PM

This is hilarious. I, too, probably identify most with “mommy brain.” I long for the day when I can have an intelligent verbal conversation with someone. You know, remembering what you were going to say, thinking of the words you wanted to use. Ack. I have to say, though, I love being a mom. As hard as it is to be a stay-at-home mom, I wouldn’t trade it for any other job.

Uly May 11, 2009, 11:15 PM

4. Why would it be “Mommy and I classes”? They are classes for me. Therefore, they are classes for Mommy and me. The pronoun doesn’t change just because you add more people to the list, it’s still the object of the sentence.


childfree4ever November 29, 2009, 1:42 AM

Ummm…you think #7 is funny? You think it’s funny that you’re not sexy anymore? Thank God I never want children. What a nightmare experiencing this kind of crap would be.

And women wonder why their husbands cheat…..LOL

orangeblossom June 22, 2010, 4:31 PM

I think to myself what happened? I went to college wrote papers, argued my point and now I sound so out of control. I get introduced to other mom’s at the pool and I can’t even remember their name when I leave.

lala July 5, 2010, 3:54 PM

Yes, not being sexy anymore is sad. Yes, not being able to think anymore is sad. Somedays I feel like I look like a meth head because my clothes are so outdated and my hair is crazy. Hell, I don’t even know what I look like somedays. Being a mom is truly horrible, despite the love you have for you child. Something about being screamed at all day makes you unravel.
So, this was worth a laugh, a sort of sad laugh.

Christy November 9, 2010, 10:53 AM

Damn, this is hilarious….in a sad & truly awful way! But that being said, THANK YOU so much for being HONEST, I get so frigging tired of moms going on and on about how wonderful it all is, I always wonder why they’re not mentioning all this stuff - I guess they’re afraid of being torn to shreds by other moms. I have no kids, nor do I want any, I just wish I could link this article on my Facebooka nd watch the fur fly…

mommed out February 12, 2011, 10:15 PM

I hate it when I feel guilty enough then my kids tell me I’m a bad mom that’s why I’m still up at 1 typing this crap on this site its better than crying i guess.

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