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Your Family Photos Suck

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Childless Bitch: I guess I have a visual bug up my ass lately. I'm here to talk some more smack on your pictures, mommies. And this time I'm holding your entire family accountable.

Family photos! Not the ones where everyone's at Disneyland and some stranger walking by is coerced into getting an adorable shot of the whole bunch of you in front of Pirates of the Caribbean, seconds before little Madison barfs red slushy all over Pluto's shoes. Those kinds of photos are precious and capture a genuine memory that everyone will laugh about at future family dinners. No, what I have a problem with are those staged pics, where the entire family is dressed up in a white turtleneck and jeans, in formation. And everyone's barefoot -- I suppose because that implies some sort of whimsical, laid-backness of the family unit? Are you familiar with the website Awkward Family Photos? I rest my case.

family taking photo

In my humble opinion, there is no worse decor plastered on the wall of a suburban home than the staged family photo. Oh wait, there is. It's the framed "artsy" picture of your shirtless pregnant self cuddled into your husband's warm and loving embrace. Whyyyyyyy??? Do. You. Do that?? But back to what I was saying. Whatever happened to the days of Sears portraits, where everyone was mismatched and one kid stared off into space while the other one, going through his/her awkward rebellious phase, refused to smile? That is what a real family looks like. Real families don't sit barefoot in trees together wearing the same shirt and doing jazz hands for the camera.

I guess the Sears portraits went out of style along with big hair and monokinis. So my plea is this -- if you do feel the urge to fill up wall space between your front door and the closest bathroom with a staged family photo, at least have a sense of humor about it. Maybe flip off the camera? Definitely include the pets. Wear funny hats? Take any of those suggestions and I will look the other way if you happen to be barefoot while doing them.


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14 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous May 27, 2009, 11:04 AM

I have seen the Awkward Family Photos site. Hilarious!

kris May 27, 2009, 11:16 AM

Ha ha that is so funny it’s for that exact reason that we don’t do the studio photos(they cost too much also) the only photos we get like that are from school because for some strange reason they actually get my 6 year old to smile other than that I whip out my high powered cannon or kodack camera to take digital pictures heck just this past weekend we took a photo of out 2 year old catching his first fish and we also got a great picture of him when he was fisrt born after the nurse put his hair in a moohak too cute (but it only for family viewing cause he’s still covered in blood and goo) no photo studio can ever do that but your take on it is pretty damn funny anyway

Ema May 27, 2009, 12:40 PM

Hilarious! Does this mean I have to take down the family photo with everyone wearing black and white and the doggies in red sweaters? I don’t think so. But next time I will be sure to put on funny hats and have everyone flip off the camera so you won’t be offended.

RachelAZ May 27, 2009, 2:58 PM

what a dumb article.

Kristy May 27, 2009, 6:01 PM

Sorry, I didn’t think this was the least bit funny. If someone wants to display their family photos, so be it.

Here maybe I can muster a condescending tone like you…

Why.Do.You.Care.Anyways??

moggit girls May 27, 2009, 6:08 PM

Ha ha! WE SOOOOOO AGREE CHICA!

Mumof3 May 27, 2009, 6:44 PM

I agree w/ Kristy… but the Awkward Family photo site is pretty funny.

Anonymous May 27, 2009, 6:49 PM

A bit btter eh? Most people put up photos because they remind them of good times. A sort of a capturing of the time, not the moment.Herego the photos are for family who enjoy the aesthtics and the memories not for bitter childless friends.

anonymouse May 27, 2009, 6:56 PM

ha, I totally agree.

Tiffany May 28, 2009, 12:55 AM

…cause I don’t want to pay hundreds of dollars for silly pictures!! You don’t have to come to my house if you don’t like to see it! Everyone is entitled to their own idea of a good family photo!

nome June 8, 2009, 7:19 PM

hahaha so true! we want to do an old west family photo. saloon girls and all!

David June 20, 2009, 10:10 AM

Artists create art, developers develop real estate, teachers teach … and bloggers blog … and sometimes, it isn’t easy to come up with a topic. This was funny — the bit about jazz hands was great — but I must confess that I like those studio portraits of families. I have a sneaking suspicion that the childless one (and I’m one, too) who writes this blog actually doesn’t think THAT badly of such portraits … she just needed to write about something to update her blog. No shame in that! And as I said, this post to me had some funny stuff in it.

PHoto Mom October 8, 2009, 8:35 PM

why do you think the two types of family photos are mutually exclusive?
I’ve got LOADS of spur of the moment “natural” moments. But I’ve also got proper portraits.
I don’t really understand the issue here…

Katrina October 27, 2009, 11:18 PM

Hahaha! Terrific…
I hate those. I know a family who takes new family photos every year (barefoot & all) that match the patriotic theme of their family room. Failures. My family has Sears portraits from when we were kids so as not to be shot at Christmas time by angry relatives who wanted pictures. Naturally, at least one person looks pissed off at the fact they’re getting photographed.

I love these posts. As someone who will probably have a couple kids eventually, but completely detests other people and their bratty children, everything about these articles cracks me up. Keep them coming!!


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