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12 Things I'll Do for My Wife for Mother's Day

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Paul Starke: Although it's technically Melissa's second Mother's Day, Luke was only 3 weeks old last year, so we're treating this like her first one. I really don't know what to get her. An iPod? That's more of a birthday/holiday gift. Cash? Too detached. I want to get her something like I got my mom, thirty years ago: a cheesy coffee mug that says "Mom" on it. It cost about $4 back then, but my mom still drinks out of it to this day. Since I can't think of the perfect gift, I'll do or get my wife 12 things that I hope will add up to something special:

mom getting a massage at a spa

1 - Get her a Spa Day -- although not at the sketchy massage parlor I went to recently.

2 - Make breakfast in bed -- and by "make," I mean "order takeout," and by "in bed," I mean "sitting at a table."

3 - Take her away for a romantic weekend -- I don't care where we go as long as it's nowhere near either of our families. I hear St. Louis is lovely in the spring.

4 - Get her tickets to "9 to 5" -- and if she takes a friend instead of me, it's a win-win.

5 - Buy her some new bras -- another win-win. Although the term "nude bra" sounds sexy, it really isn't.

6 - I'll read to her at night -- If you saw the film "The Reader," apparently this is erotic. Although I'll be reading her passages of Kathie Lee Gifford's new autobiography.

7 - I'll throw out my stack of Fantasy Baseball magazines -- After all, I need to make room for my Fantasy FOOTBALL magazines.

8 - Steak of the month club membership -- I'm sorry, I just don't see how someone delivering meat to your door every month is a bad thing. So what if she's vegan?

9 - I'll wax any part of my body for her -- there's really so much to choose from. My wife deserves one part of my torso to be non-Wookiee-like.

10 - No sports on TV for a whole weekend -- instead, I'll spend the weekend going to see "Wolverine" and "Star Trek."

11 - Instead of pretending to listen to her, I'll actually listen -- This one might be tough to pull off.

12 - I'll get her a "Mom" coffee mug from me & Luke -- because I can picture her drinking from it 30 years from now, too.

next: Guilty Friday: Joely Fisher Confesses
2 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lisa  May 8, 2009, 8:21 PM

Paul Starke always makes me laugh. Very funny article!

Ten Tees January 9, 2011, 10:35 AM

Nice information. Good to read. There is a small thing to offer about t-shirts.

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