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Dear Self-Righteous Wives, This Is For You

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Ladies, it's not the other woman who is the problem -- it's your husband.

Naila: Who are you? Why are you ALWAYS so quick to judge, blame, and react? Tell me, why am I supposed to feel sorry for John Edwards's wife just because she is the wife? When did having a ring on your finger absolve you of all the ills of the world? Husband cheats? Blame the hooker, the woman that "stole" him from the wife. Husband cheats? Forgive the husband and take sides, create shirts and Facebook groups dissecting the psyche of a cheater, a home-wrecker. Focus on the extreme emotional pain the cheating caused the ever-so-perfect wife. Show her strength and resolve while taking the children to school. Exiting the church, smiling with hesitation into the camera. Cue the violins.

woman thinking of elizabeth edwards


I am not condoning cheating. I am not suggesting the women in the equation are blameless, but what I am screaming loud and clear is that you must hold the husband's feet to the same fire. I am disgusted by the self-righteousness of the wives who react so viscerally, so viciously, as if it was their husband that cheated.

Men lie; men weave Pulitzer Prize-winning tales of loneliness, telling of wives that withhold everything from sex to affection. They are contradicted, dying to leave a floundering marriage -- were it not for their children. Why is it so hard to comprehend how passion mixed with clandestine meetings in boutique hotels could cause women that wouldn't ordinarily be the other woman to become the other woman?

The other woman didn't stand and commit her life to anyone; it was the husband saying for better or for worse.

The husband is the problem.

If wives searched deeper and held their husbands half as accountable as they do the other women -- and stopped making excuses for defenseless behavior, investigated their own marriages as strenuously as the character of the women they vilify -- maybe I wouldn't be writing this article.

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24 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous May 11, 2009, 1:34 PM


AM  May 11, 2009, 1:41 PM

I have to agree…. and while ‘the other woman’ may or may not know that she is ‘the other woman’ the husband always knows that he is cheating. If he wants out that bad he should ask for a divorce.

Nikki May 11, 2009, 2:01 PM

No cheating isen’t right but if she’s weak enought to take him back then why feel sorry for her I think she’s pathetic anyways the woman needs to get a life and stop playing the victim and the other woman should not be praying on married men to begin with.Both of these women need to get a clue!!!!!Once a cheater always a cheater and if your stupid enough to take him back then you have to live with it!!!!

Elsie May 11, 2009, 2:12 PM

I was fuming this morning, wondering why Elizabeth Edwards is making the rounds with her lying, cheating husband talking about it. And then talking about the other woman as though she got herself pregnant, as though she alone had an affair, and bears all of the blame. I think Elizabeth and John deserve one another, they both seem to be soooo taken with themselves, that nothing seems to be off of the table. I didn’t watch any of her interviews, can not abide the self righteousness, the public excessive attention seeking, wish they would both just go away or at least act like grown ups.

Anon May 11, 2009, 2:23 PM

I was once “the other woman” in college - not in a marriage, but a relationship. And true to form, once the girlfriend found out - after she broke up with him, I might add - she stayed friends with him and called me every name under the sun, turning once-friends against me. Was I blameless? Absolutely not. Heck, i’ll even agree that I deserved some of those names. But the fact that the little weasel who seduced me got off scot-free out of the deal, like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, STILL burns me to this day. It takes two to tango, people.

Sarah-Jane May 11, 2009, 3:01 PM

I’m a wife, and I sorta agree with the Other Women who say ‘blame hubby’ only if he cheats. One thing, though. If hubby’s claiming his wife is frigid etc. to excuse his behavior, why is the Other Woman so quick to believe that particular lie? But on the off chance it isn’t a lie, how come the Other Woman never questions what the wife’s motives might be for behaving in a frigid manner towards her husband? Because think about it, wouldn’t ANY woman, married or unmarried, withhold affection from their man if he had cheated before, or was simply a JERK?

Whitney May 11, 2009, 4:00 PM

I agree that the man always gets off the hook when it comes to cheating. The other woman had some sort of ‘magical powers’ to lure them in. In John Edwards case I’m sure it was more than ‘you are so hot’ as his wife put it. One thing to think about - I think if she didn’t have terminal cancer she would leave him. I think she doesn’t want to die along and ruin the ‘family’ for her kids.

ewok May 11, 2009, 4:04 PM

Amen to that! I agree completely!

Anne May 11, 2009, 5:52 PM

You want the truth? My husband never cheated on me, but then again, he never had a lot of sex with me, either. It took many years before he told me that he was raised believing that women didn’t like sex and only “did it” for their husbands. Therefore, if he didn’t ask for it, all the better for me. Huh? Only tramps (like Edwards’ GF) enjoy sex. I sure wish we’d had that little conversation a couple of decades earlier. I spent so many years hurt and frustrated because he was raised a prude. Funny how some people never question the early values they were taught. I cannot be the only one with that experience, but nobody talks about it.

Tiff May 11, 2009, 6:33 PM

YES YES YES. It’s the person in the relationship that cheats that has the major character flaw that needs fixing … the “other woman/man” may have character flaws, but it’s not the fault of the cheated upon spouse.

c lo May 11, 2009, 6:56 PM


nipsy May 11, 2009, 7:53 PM

“Why is it so hard to comprehend how passion mixed with clandestine meetings in boutique hotels could cause women that wouldn’t ordinarily be the other woman to become the other woman?”

I was in agreement with you on much of this, until I read that quote. How dare you act as if a few words and fancy hotel rooms make women weak enough to be what they normally wouldn’t. I’ve heard men try and talk me in to much in my life, and I only fell for the things I WANTED to hear. The only injured party in this whole situation is the children. They didn’t ask for this whole mess. If his wife is moronic enough to stay and put on her happy face, let her. But no way does the “other woman” get off scott free in this.

Rachelle May 11, 2009, 11:14 PM

How refreshing! For so long I thought I was the only one to feel this way. Let’s not forget the men who head out to bars, etc. for one night stands. Take off the ring and the woman never even knows the guy is married. You can’t blame the woman for that. Ultimately, it’s always the the responsibility of the one who has sworn commitment, to “keep it in their pants.”

Gail Cooke May 12, 2009, 1:44 AM

It’s all about ethics…if you know that you’re the other woman, then have the moral fiber to disengage from the relationship. Once you know that the man you’re with has a wife, you are completely culpable and deserve whatever you get. Yes, the man said I Do, but really, how much can you trust a man that would sneak around someone? Like he wouldn’t take the first opportunity to do the same with you if it suited him. And if you know, then you’re stupid for thinking you can trust hime and a b*tch for knowingly engaging in a relationship you shouldn’t be in. Once he gets a divorce he’s a free man…but don’t be such a hag by knowingly destroy someone else’s life. Cause it might just be you next time.

Rachel May 12, 2009, 2:31 AM

I agree, it is not only the “other woman” who is at fault when a husband cheats. And just because a woman forgives her husband and chooses to stay with him, doesn’t mean that she isn’t holding him as much to blame. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. A marriage is forever, it is hard for people to just get up and walk away from that no matter what has happened.

Lauren E. May 12, 2009, 8:43 AM

Both parties are equally to blame for cheating.
On the surface, it might seem like the wife has given her husband a free pass. But, the husband has to do a lot of work before the trust and forgiveness can be reestablished.
I do believe it is easier for a wife to forgive and trust her husband, they share a history together. They know each other very well; the good and the bad.

In most cases, the affair is the only thing that the wife knows of the other women. The wife knows nothing good about the other women, only that she is capable of having an affair with her husband. And in very few cases are there any signs that would show that the other women is sorry for the damage they have helped to cause. Perhaps they are, but this is something that the wives usually do not know.

It takes a tremendous amount of strength to look past the affair and see the good that is still in the man you married and what is still good about the marriage. Women who stay married do it because the love out weights the pain; not because they are weak. Believe me the pain is great and it would be so much easier to walk away then face it on a daily basis.

Casey  May 12, 2009, 9:53 AM

John Edwards is scum no doubt. But don’t bash his dying wife for telling her side of the story. She has every right to speak out about the many stories written about her life. I blame the husband as well but there is some truth to her statement, that some women envy what other women have and instead of working for it themselves they’d rather take it. I think Elizabeth Edwards is trying to leave this world and not completely turn her children against the man who will raise them. Have some Compassion for a Dying Mom!

Western Lady May 12, 2009, 1:11 PM

THANK you Naila!
This was brilliant. Couldn’t agree more.

Lynn May 12, 2009, 3:53 PM

I couldn’t agree more, I felt that the “other woman” was as much a pawn as I was in the relationship, she or I were not getting the whole story, it was his lies that created this mess, that is why his butt hit the curb and it has been ten years and I don’t regret anything. FYI: He married the “other woman” and guess what, he ended up cheating on her. Do you see the pattern here? THE LYING CHEATING SCUM…I do feel sorry for her, but she got what she deserved, he cheated on me, what made her think she was any better of a person than me…Go figure..

Monica May 13, 2009, 6:06 AM

I agree the husbands should always be held responsible. But the trifling women who know that these men are married and decide to continue the relationship need to be held accountable too. If a woman knows that a man is married then she needs to take the responsibility from the get go the end that relationship, and pronto. It was like what Steve Harvey said on The View the other day. Why do men cheat? One reason is because there is a trifling women who will date married men. My cousin cheated on his wife with a woman who knew that he was married. Got mad because he wasn’t were he said he was and found out he was at home with is wife helping her paint the house. Trifling chick broke down the door and jumped all on him for being at home with his wife. What do you do with a woman like that?

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