Childless Bitch: Or, Why I Think You Should Slow Your Roll On All Those Baby Pictures You Send Out.
Hello, mommies. I'm back and bitchy as ever. I went all soft and gooey for a second there with a post praising the "Amazing Race's" Bionic Mom. But I try and not let that side come out too often. After all, I have a rep to protect.
Onward! Here's what you're doing lately to piss me off. Wait for it ... wait for it ... pictures! Of your baby. Monthly effing pictures of your baby's developments. My inbox is flooded with baldheaded toothless wonders and little gasbags, er, babies, with small strange patches of hair atop their chubby googly-eyed faces. Here's a little secret -- all newborn babies, up to the point where they are ready to shop for prom dresses, look the same to us non-parents. I keed, I keed. Sort of. But seriously, I am your friend and not the grandparent of your child, and therefore, I do not need to see a digital photo album with pictures detailing every single day of your precious baby's life. Sending out a few pics every three or four months is sufficient.
But while we're on the subject of photos, I've got another little something to get off my chest. Since I know all you mommies are so point-and-click happy, how come you never send a thank you picture with your kid in the adorable bikini, witty onesey, or badass hat that I bought for him or her? I'm not implying that you were raised in a barn and don't send thank you cards, because you do. But really, and especially if you live far away, I would like nothing more than to see your offspring running around in an outfit hand-picked by Auntie Childless Bitch. Just something to consider. Thank you and feel free to fire away at what a heartless a**hole I am in the comments.