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Just a Guy Talking About Sex

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Bruce Sallan: Well, if I'm stupid enough to tackle menopause, I might as well write about sex.

couple about to have sex

If you went to college, especially graduate school, you might actually think men and women think the same about sex or, for that matter, are the same except for societal influences. ALERT: We're not!

Yes, you can say most of the male species are pretty self-centered when it comes to sex. The cliché image of us rolling over afterwards is pretty much what we're bred to do. I saw it in the wilds of Africa, on my honeymoon, but in my marriage, I was instructed in what was expected.

And, joking aside, this is the key: communication. Given how different we are, it may come as a surprise to you women, but we can't read your minds. You, on the other hand, can read us (when it comes to sex) usually pretty easily, as we're simpletons, plus we're literally "out there." We, however, often need basic directions to operate you correctly.

I could write another blog with more graphic examples of our differences, but suffice it to say, men are overly visually stimulated while women are more emotionally turned on. Some men can get excited over just seeing a woman's appendage: literally the image of a leg, a little décolletage, or just a nice a**.

This simplicity often makes our women crazy, as we turn in gyrations at the sight of a woman in a skimpy outfit, but that is my point from the onset of this blog: we're built differently. But, what do I really know -- I'm just a guy.


next: "We Have Dinner Together Every Night"
16 comments so far | Post a comment now
never bigger May 23, 2009, 10:42 AM

Hope you get all that you want. Its tough out there with out a soft spot to land.

Navonne May 23, 2009, 2:00 PM

Well sex is a two way street. Both giving and going out onthe edge for each other. Yes men are visual and women are a bit more emotional. When two people love each other and want to please each other they should communicate and listen equally about what is needed by their partner.

Anonymous May 23, 2009, 3:56 PM

Sex is complicated when you are having it and when you are not. The thing I would like men to know about women is that forplay doesn’t just begin in the bedroom, it starts for me when he reaches for my hand, or comes over for a kiss, or gives me a hug just because.

Ben Martin, THE FATHER LIFE May 24, 2009, 1:14 AM

Bruce, you are so right that communication is key. What anonymous posted about foreplay is very true, too; since emotion plays such a big role with women, you can’t expect to just flip a switch and have them instantly turned on. It starts earlier and often well before the bedroom.

Lauri May 24, 2009, 2:02 PM

Ah, come on…that’s the best you can do - guys are “out there” but women require a user’s manual!?! While it is true that a male’s outward appendage makes for an easy target, men make great psycho-sexual candidates, which is right up a woman’s alley. Now, if a woman starts talking about the ins and outs pun intended) of psycho-sexual intercourse, she can forget it. Men do NOT want to talk. Period. However, there is nothing more potent or alluring than a woman who is confident in her sexuality and understands that Mr. Chest-pounding ape-guy next to you turns to a puddle of mush when you catch him by surprise. Send him off to work for the day but let him feel you with no panties under your clothing and have his minds-eye work all day trying to get that thought out of his head. He will be craving you all day. And sorry, but an unexpected blow job (cuz, yea, they DO think the world revolves around THERE)breaks down all resistance. He’s toast. But what about you? Well, ladies, reciprocity is key and he will be most eager to please YOU the next time, especially if you are CLEAR in what you want. Bruce is right on that score - men are horrible mind readers. Absolute worst. They may be visual but planting those images or the potential of those images in his brain will make him crazy. The piece of clothing on which I get the most compliments from men is a simple black turtleneck. How could that be sexy? While it covers every part of my torso and neck, it has a row of buttons going up each arm. It’s the psycho-sexual aspect of those buttons that drive men wild. Met a man recently and he could not remember my face but he remembered those buttons! Now, one could, justifiably, protest, “But that is the point, I am more than a piece of T&A…I want men to like me for who I am, not for how I look!” Agreed. That’s where what comes out of your mouth (and I am not making a sexual reference here) is key. The reality is that how we look is what gets his attention but who we are is what makes him stay. Can’t tell you how many times a man has been taken aback, “You’re so smart. You’re sexy & beautiful but you are smart, too.” Like that’s a surprise? Duh! Men are, as Bruce suggests, simpletons. We are much better equipped to multi-task, to assess situations and to nurture. I don’t think it is by accident that we, women, can have multiple orgasms while most men cannot. We’ve earned it!

tina May 25, 2009, 6:53 PM

My thought then is why didn’t they teach Foreplay 101 in school?

Jeff Vaughn May 25, 2009, 11:45 PM

What’s foreplay?

WMC May 26, 2009, 7:01 PM

When all is said and done, you’re right about communication - it’s the cornerstone of any part of a relationship - and that, of course, includes sex - before, during and after.

Eve May 28, 2009, 9:37 AM

I guess this may come as a surprise but sometimes its just fine to have great sex with your man……no foreplay just hot sex…..

Kathy June 5, 2009, 8:49 AM

Nice to see that there are men that understand.
Kathy

Kathi June 8, 2009, 10:31 PM

I’m going to have to agree with you on this one, Bruce. Men and women are wired differently. Men are satisfied with a cheese burger, while women know a well-aged steak is well worth waiting for. We both have appetites, but women tend to hold out for quality over quantity. It’s in our nature. Maybe the next time a man is in the mood for a cheese burger, he should take his wife out for a steak first! After all, the man is much more interested in what’s in the bun than is the woman. Then they can both have what they want and share in their individual contentment.

Kathi June 8, 2009, 10:33 PM

I’m going to have to agree with you on this one, Bruce. Men and women are wired differently. Men are satisfied with a cheese burger, while women know a well-aged steak is well worth waiting for. We both have appetites, but women tend to hold out for quality over quantity. It’s in our nature. Maybe the next time a man is in the mood for a cheese burger, he should take his wife out for a steak first! After all, the man is much more interested in what’s in the bun than is the woman. Then they can both have what they want and share in their individual contentment.

Anonymous June 9, 2009, 3:45 AM

First, I am sure NO college or graduate school teaches anything about sex other than men and women are “wired differently” and so forth. Bruce may have intended his opening comment as a wry poke at university life, but as a college professor, I seek to counter the assumptions underlying such jokes when I encounter them. Too many myths exist about the moral and ideological deficiencies of professors and the academic world in general, to the detriment of this nation. Second, and related, many of those colleges and graduate schools are responsible for generating a great deal of credible data in the past 15-20 years that are adding important dimension and detail to our understanding of female sexuality; and this research confirms and teaches the nuances in the differences between male and female sexual responsivity. Third, this essay ends in such a way that the point of it seems to be a defense for men looking at cute chicks in the presence of even beloved wives and girlfriends. If communication is as important as Bruce suggests, then he should be reminding us to actually listen to and take seriously a request from the women that we, the men, not do that. It is not impossible to focus on your date, wife or girlfriend even when “visually stimulated”; discretion can be learned. Fourth, from his photograph, Bruce appears to be in his 40s or 50s, and has therefore been having sex for at least 3-4 decades. Neither he nor I (56) should need “basic directions to operate” a female sex partner at this point. (My 20-yr.-old heterosexual male students, yes, THEY probably need an female sexuality operating manual, as I did when I was a young buck.) But if a man hasn’t progressed past that point after thirty or more years of heterosexual sex, he deserves to not have sex with women very often.

David  June 9, 2009, 5:24 AM

Oh, I didn’t mean to be “Anonymous” in my post … I thought I entered my name but I guess I didn’t. I am David Weber, an associate professor of Communication Studies at University of North Carolina Wilmington.

Axutgznk June 29, 2009, 7:11 PM

KOueKX comment3 ,

girlmonkey June 30, 2009, 7:55 PM

I agree with all that Mr. Weber suggested, most of all, this: “But if a man hasn’t progressed past that point after thirty or more years of heterosexual sex, he deserves to not have sex with women very often.”


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