Before my husband and I had kids, I was in awe of parents. I particularly marveled on a child's first birthday. I clearly remember saying to my husband, "Holy cow! They kept that kid alive A. Whole. Year! That takes a lot of work! You have to feed them multiple times a day and everything!" One could say that I gave motherhood and all it entailed my utmost respect and had very few expectations of mothers other than the survival of their offspring.

The moment I saw two lines on the pee-pee stick, however, merely keeping a baby alive did not seem nearly as awe-inspiring or impressive a feat to me. My standards instantly careened to ridiculously high levels along with my hormones. I remember weeping copiously one night, telling my husband that we should arrange to give our unborn baby up for adoption because we could not manage to keep up with our laundry. Proper parents just did not have piles of folded laundry on their bedroom floors! Ever!

I suppose the pregnancy hormone cocktail could account for some of that, but the shift in my standards remained extreme even after I delivered the placenta.

I resolved that my child would not blow out his first candle until he had mastered baby Russian, Chinese, Spanish, German, and French (I had the tapes and I played them to him every morning as he grinned happily and vacuously at me, no doubt more focused on his next poop than the "tonal memories" One Step Ahead had assured me would give him the edge over the other babies in the job market).

When kid number two came along exactly two years later, I waddled home from the hospital mid-labor to watch my firstborn open his presents and blow out the candles on his cake until my groaning through contractions traumatized him too much and I had to tear myself away from doting upon him in order to give birth. (I felt real guilt over this, by the way.)

Lest I paint the picture of an all-sacrificing Madonna figure, let me assure you that I got more real as the kids started piling up. I let child number two unravel the language tapes so I could have a moment of peace, and by the time kid number three came along 18 months later, I was most disgruntled to be sent home to my toddler and preschooler only 16 hours after giving birth. I bear a grudge over that to this day.

I may be keepin' it a little more real now, but like most mothers I suspect, my mom logic remains skewed. My husband recently found me distraught with guilt over the many hours of TV I let our second child watch while I was nursing/trying to survive our third child, because "studies show that it lowers IQ by several points when kids under age 2 watch TV! I broke his brain with that Elmo video."

Now bear in mind that Kid #2 consistently scores straight A's, and has nary a hint of learning difficulties, but the "what-ifs" of mom logic still haunt me. I bet he could have designed a working spaceship by now, using nothing but Kleenex and recycled generic Cheerio boxes if Sesame Street had not rotted his brain before he even had a chance.

As you can tell, I've come a long way from the days of "Holy Smokes your kid survived a WHOLE YEAR IN YOUR CARE! High five, sistah!" But I don't necessarily think it is in the right direction.

Imagine for a moment if you will, gentle reader, that you or I are on a job interview. As we sit down nervously across from the interviewer, she with all her sleek little power-suited, smooth chignon-ed hiring power, she smiles and launches into her spiel:

Hi Ms. Mom, we are happy that you are interested in our company. Let's start by telling you a little about the job, shall we? Let's see.....you will be the CEO/CFO of a small, but successful and growing organization.

In addition to these responsibilities, you will directly oversee:
 

• human resource management
  
• public relations
  
• research and development
  
• job training
  
• security
  
• transportation
  
• and Union negotiations

Because of your transportation responsibilities, you will spend a lot of time on the road, but we expect you to be sure that things in the office are running smoothly at all times, and that those employees not traveling with you are well supervised in your absence. You would, of course, be responsible for hiring suitable individuals to take care of things while you are away.

Furthermore, you will be involved in employee mediation and conflict management several times a day. Our employees tend to be irrational and explosive from time to time. This, unfortunately, often coincides with our busiest times. Some periods of employee volatility are prolonged. Most of your employees will experience profound communication difficulties from time to time. Do you have any experience in psychology and human development? Oh good, that would certainly be an asset. That and the patience of a saint, ha-ha, oh no, just a small joke Ms. Mom.

Still interested? Moving on.... Understand that your responsibilities are dynamic and will shift and evolve constantly. The learning curve is more of a cliff. Once you have mastered a task, circumstances and situations will change, requiring you to find new solutions. You will constantly be expected to be on your toes, think on your feet, stay cool in emergencies, and do it all on minimal sleep.

This position is not a good fit for you if you are inflexible. You are expected at the office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Vacation time is negotiable, but expect none and you won't be disappointed. Incidentally, you would not receive sick or personal days either. We expect that you come into work when you are ill, but you would need to make every effort not to infect anyone else because you would also be the company nurse and your services will be required even if you are sicker than your patients.

Did I yet mention that the position includes all janitorial duties? (Frequent Haz-Mat situations will need to be dealt with -- you're not squeamish about bodily fluids, I presume?) Oh, and cafeteria duties would be yours, too! We expect our employees to be fed nutritionally sound, well-balanced meals within our very limited budget, but please be aware that many of them require special "consideration" due to their ever-dynamic "preferences."

In addition, uniforms are worn on our premises, and we maintain an on-site laundry. You would be responsible for all laundering duties. You would also act as our groundskeeper and maintenance crew (you may or may not have someone to assist you in those duties, but you will almost certainly have to provide on-the-job training to that individual).

Above all else, it is imperative that we maintain a high standard of morals and ethics in our organization. It is up to you to create a working environment conducive to employees developing in spirituality and character. You will need to provide constant instruction, encouragement, and example to this end. Of course, regular disciplinary action will need to be taken. These situations can get very tense, so try not to take anything that is said personally. There may be years at a time where nobody will seem to like you. There will be times when you may hear or read rumors that your people hate you and/or wish you would disappear. Again, don't take this personally, deep down they will love you, even if they don't know it.

Under no circumstances will any employee be dismissed. This includes cases of poor performance, insubordination, and embezzlement. Furthermore, our employees are to feel valued and appreciated at all times (even, no, especially when disciplinary action is being taken).

Compensation will not be, shall we say, traditional. You will get regular performance reviews; expect them to be harsh. You will be the one issuing the reviews for the most part -- although there will be input from your subordinates -- much of that will be negative too.

So, Ms. Mom, that gives you a general outline of the position, of course there is much more to the job ... but that's the bare-bones gist of it.

So, why do you think we should hire you? What can you bring to the table?

Now, I am aware that the whole mom "job description" thing has been "done" before, but I still think this sort of comparison/reality check is a valuable exercise. It helps to keep things in perspective.

OK, so that job description? Let's face it, it's ludicrous, it's insane, it's impossible. It's what every mother I know undertakes every day. That and so much more.

Never mind keeping our kid alive! Keeping ourselves alive and even somewhat sane is freaking fantastic! And many moms do it in addition to another career. It is simply super-human. It is indeed awe-inspiring.

But still so often we grossly undersell what we do. If we don't have the laundry under control, we feel inadequate; if our kid misbehaves, we feel inadequate; if we feed the fam cereal for dinner, we think we are failing; if we aren't enjoying it all, we wonder what is wrong with us.

Where is the logic to this? Did you see that job description?

Why aren't we more impressed with ourselves?!

Just because not everything is perfect all the time, or any of the time, the fact is we keep things rolling. We get out of bed, we don't fire our kids even when they desperately deserve it, we are on the job every single day, come what may. And the rewards? The compensation? Substantial, priceless even -- we do it because it is worth it. But payday is erratic and unpredictable, and motherhood is the ultimate marathon, an exercise in endurance at times. Which is why we have got to give ourselves a break, a hand, and some real respect on the job once in a while -- because that's real mom logic.

Every so often we've got to sit back, look at our progeny with pride, and say, "apart from everything else, I kept that kid alive."