My Fatherless Mother's Day

My Fatherless Mother's Day

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Kimberly Seals Allers: Maybe it was wrong of me to expect, after seven years of marriage, two children, and a no-drama-from-me divorce, that the wasband could have at least sent a "thanks for keeping my kids alive b****" text message on Mother's Day. Or given the kids $20 toward their own Mother's Day efforts.

After all, Mother's Day is about acknowledging and recognizing all the hard work mothers do. And while we expect mothering to be a thankless job when it comes to our children, we do expect grown-ass men to recognize it.

Well, I expected that.

Given the skimpy or nonexistent child support, the inconsistent visitation, and my continued efforts to make sure he stays involved in our children's lives, I think a small thank-you would have been in order. I can't help but feel that all across the nation yesterday, even baby-daddies and one-night-stand Dads took a millisecond to send even a text message or pick up some gas station flowers in a weak Mother's Day effort. Not my wasband.

He seems oblivious to the fact that his children are clean and well-dressed when he doesn't pay a dime. That his son started reading at age 4 because I work with him every night, and that his daughter is a straight-A student in dance and sign language classes. These things must have happened because of the parenting fairy.

I always dreamed, even through the divorce, of a positive co-parenting relationship. So far, it remains a dream.

Kimberly Seals Allers is an award-winning business journalist and founder and editor-in-chief of MochaManual.com, a weekly online magazine for moms of color. She is the author of "The Mocha Manual to a Fabulous Pregnancy" and "The Mocha Manual to Turning Your Passion into Profit." Kimberly is a divorcing mother of two and lives on Long Island, NY.

10 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Same thing happened to me!

- Jill

Posted 05/12/09 02:34 PM

Same thing here too! But he did call to speak to our daughter and then hand the phone off to his mom so that my baby could tell her Happy Mothers Day. I wonder what would happen if I didn’t achnowledge him on Fathers Day?

- Erin

Posted 05/12/09 05:20 PM

I learned long ago not to expect something from my ex or as your funny term:wasbund(first time I hear this). Because when you expect, there is disappointment. My ex is a good father to my son, lives 5 minutes from me, but we never engage in any conversation. It is a shame.

- Blanca

Posted 05/12/09 08:24 PM

I know how you feel. Lucky for me my 13 year old daughter saved her own money and bought me a gift. I have given my daughter her money back in the form of a gift card.

- harleymom1346

Posted 05/12/09 08:28 PM

Couldnt agree more! I have shared care with my ex husband (something thats very common in new zealand, and which my wasband thinks is great as it emans he doesnt have to pay any support and gets have of my tax credit which in new zealand is paid weekly!) part of my agreement is that i have the kids for few hours on mothers day. Luckily for me my sons teacher had suggested the children in her class make a box filled with vouchers for things like housework or voucher for a hug for mum. It was a lovely present from my ten year old son!.

- nicci

Posted 05/12/09 08:31 PM

Same for me, while my young daughter made me some cards at school, no thanks or appreciation of any sort from the wasband. Not even after I just threw her a birthday party and invited her whole kindergarten class to be fair, and moved the date so he could be there, and he didn’t fork out a dime for it. Or the fact that I buy the vast majority of her clothing, even the stuff at his place. Or anything else, for that matter.

- MarMar

Posted 05/12/09 10:39 PM

Come on girls…get over it. Since when have we relied on men to make us happy? Men will be men. Women should be women. It’s nature and that is the way it was meant to be.

- Jonanne

Posted 05/13/09 03:02 AM

I’m a bit in awe that women would expect a “happy mothers day” from their ex husbands. I mean they are your ex’s for a reason. If mine called I’d slap a no contact order on him!

- Bec Thomas

Posted 05/13/09 04:52 AM

Jonanne has a good point! They’re men… and they’re exes for a reason, right? My boyfriend (whom I have a son with, and who also has a daughter with someone else, and *I* do more for her than he does!) wouldn’t have said or done anything if I hadn’t told him several times in advance that I already had Father’s Day planned and I expected something for Mother’s Day, even if it was only a card! He came through of course, but there’s no way he would’ve if he hadn’t been told a few times before the actual day. So there’s no way I’d expect him to if we weren’t together anymore! It’s a guy thing, really. Even married men often neglect holidays and special occasions… so “wasbands” aren’t going to care!

- Anonymous

Posted 05/13/09 10:49 AM

WELL, I AM A MOTHER OF THREE AND MY BOYFRIEND OF TWO YEARS DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE ME ON MOTHER’S DAY! I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED AND ON FATHER’S DAY, WHICH HE HAS TWO KIDS OF HIS OWN, I WILL WISH HIM WELL :)

- Anonymous

Posted 06/18/09 12:40 PM