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The Five Things I Hate About Marriage

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Jennifer Ginsberg: Yes, I love my husband and family and wouldn't change a thing about our family unit. Now that I have made that obligatory statement, let me get to my point. There are certain issues that I have with the institution of marriage, which offers both wonderful benefits and incredible challenges, often in the same day. Here are the five things I hate about marriage.

Wife looking at sleeping husband

1) Bathroom sharing. Frankly, there is no man on the planet with whom I would willingly share a bathroom (except perhaps an out-of-the-closet gay male with pathological OCD). In my experience, men have horrible toilet aim, hog up my precious counter space, are oblivious when toilet paper rolls run out, soil all bath towels and don't think to replace them, and steal my nail clippers no matter how well they are hidden.

2) Bed sharing. The bed can be used in many fun and exciting ways in marriage, but when it comes to sleep, I much prefer to fly solo. I am a very light sleeper, and once I am awakened, it is nearly impossible for me to get back down. Between my covers being inadvertently ripped off and scratchy toenails accidently brushing against me, a good night's sleep is often impossible for me to obtain. A few nights a week I find myself wide awake at 3 AM with nothing to do but listen to the sound of my husband breathing -- the most irritating noise imaginable during an insomniac episode.

3) Nonstop compromise. Because I am a woman, I really think I should get my way all the time. I want Thai food for dinner, then I want to take a relaxing bubble bath, after which I want to watch the "Real Housewives" reunion. You want sushi, sex, and UFC. Who wins? If I get my way, you mope. If you get your way, I'm pissed. If we meet in the middle, neither of us are happy. Suggestions, anyone?

4) Civility during PMS. I am a big proponent of the Red Tent theory. I really believe that from the time when PMS strikes to the time when I am done bleeding, I should only be in the presence of women who are in the same boat hormonally. Attempting to have any civil communication with a member of the male species is nearly impossible. Men are such easy targets for all of our premenstrual irritation. And let's be honest, a man really doesn't stand a chance when pitted against a woman with PMS. The most humane option is complete separation during this time. OK ... we can meet up for sex, shopping, and salty food, but that is it!

5) Conversations before I have had my coffee. My husband is not a coffee drinker, so he doesn't understand my love affair with the ubiquitous warm beverage that keeps me functional. Often times, as I am sitting at my kitchen table and waiting for my coffee to brew in the morning, my husband approaches me to "talk." These talks are usually about stressful and complicated issues that I am in no way prepared to engage in without being properly caffeinated. This morning, as I was waiting for my fix, he attempted to engage me in a discussion about a work crisis, his grueling travel schedule (which will have him out of the country for most of the summer), and his stepfather's deteriorating medical condition. Yes, these are all important conversations to have. But not at 6 AM before I have had my coffee!

Don't get me wrong, I believe in the institution of marriage, I just don't love all aspects of cohabitation. But make no mistake, I am happily married and understand that sharing a bathroom and a bed with my man is part of the deal.

But I guarantee that I will be cursing him up and down when I get out of the shower and I am naked and dripping wet with no clean towel in sight!


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