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What the $%!& Did That Kid Just Say?

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Paul Starke: This past weekend, we took Luke to visit our family in Montreal. Other than the swine flu we got, we all had a pleasant time. Except for Saturday morning.

baby looking at womans butt saying nice a$$

I was outside playing with my 5-year-old nephew. Across the street, another family of four was enjoying the nice weather during their pleasant stroll. My nephew -- let's call him Theo -- looked at the family and said "Hi, people!" I, and they, thought that was incredibly sweet, and the mom replied "Hello, little boy!"

Nice little exchange, right? That was until, seconds later, Theo pointed at the nice lady and said, loudly and clearly, "You have a fat ass."

The look on the mom's face went from sweet smile to absolute horror instantly. There are very few times in my life I've been shocked by what someone says, and this was one of them. I didn't quite know how to handle it, so I immediately said "He's not my son!!! He's not my son!!!" over and over again, but I realize now that probably wasn't the best course of action. What should I have done? Should I have taken Theo across the street and made him apologize? I know that if I'd said the same thing when I was 5, the punishment would have been severe.

This shouldn't have really come as a surprise to me, because this was the same little boy who has uttered the following phrases to me:

"Happy Birthday to Fart" (I don't know what that means)

"Hi, Uncle Douchebag" (my fault -- as I'd taught him that one)

"I'm gonna teach your kid how to say F****n' A**hole" (he said this to me at Luke's birthday party)

As a former little boy, I know how hilarious and wonderful new swear words can be. But there's got to be a time and a place, right?

What's the worst (and/or funniest) thing you've ever heard a child say, and how did you deal with it?

next: YouTube Helps Father Deliver Baby
10 comments so far | Post a comment now
birdsfly May 1, 2009, 2:04 PM

When my son was two he was learning about gender. While we were standing in line at a store he looked at the lady in front of us and asked “Is she a girl?” to which I answered “Yes she is, sweetie” to which my darling son replied “But she has a mustache!” Luckily she laughed. May 1, 2009, 3:40 PM

It’s obviously normal for kids to blurt out crazy things in all circumstances as they learn social rules/manners. But there have been times that I’ve wondered if they wait on purpose, until we are in public, to say the worst thing at the worst time. It’s hard not to think sometimes that they are scheming against us. Some of our most interesting comments have occurred in public bathrooms. There have been a few times when I tried to wait long enough for the people to leave before we came out of the stall!!

It all just reminds us that we need to be careful of things that are said in the presence of our little ones. They may not look like they are listening, but they hear it ALL.

MarMar May 1, 2009, 3:54 PM

We were at the airport when my daughter was 3. She was enjoying pointing out differences in people - “Dat a girl. Dat a boy. Dat anutha girl.” So on, so forth. Then an African-American man was waiting at the same gate we were, and although she’s been around a lot of people of various races, she decided this was the perfect time to voice her curiosity. Loudly. “MOMMY, THAT MAN HAS BROWN SKIN!” she said louder than the PA system, “WHY? WHY IS HIS SKIN BROWN? WHY, MOMMY?” As this gate was crowded, I know what seemed like a million people heard her (including the man she was referring to, who graciously ignored her)and as I shrugged and told her “some people have brown skin, some have lighter skin, everybody’s different”, I just imagined everyone thinking I was some white-supremesist mom and had never exposed my kid to a different race. Her next question should’ve been “WHY IS YOUR FACE RED, MOMMY? WHY?” Oy vey.

Anonymous May 1, 2009, 5:23 PM


Natalie May 1, 2009, 6:22 PM

MarMar, I had a similar experience when my daughter was 18 mos old. We were watching TV and she saw an african american man and she asked, “wass dat?” and I replied, “he’s just a guy”. The next day we were at the grocery store when a black man walked in, she squeeled at the top of her lungs, “LOOK MOMMY, A GUY!” he stopped and did a double take. I just smiled, thank god he didn’t know what she meant!

smoore May 1, 2009, 6:29 PM

at wal-mart walking behind a lady with a “fat a$$” 3 year old says to 1o year old “Kenny look at that butt that’s a big ole butt.” the butt turned to see the big ole butt not realizing it was her butt they were laughing at.

Sue May 2, 2009, 11:00 AM

I would have just laughed it off with “Kids say the funniest thing. Wonder where he heard that?” and then speak to him about how it isn’t nice to say that. Obviously he heard that from someone or someone taught him to say that. I have heard worst. It is important to watch your language in front of them. It is easier than having to correct them and get them to stop saying that. Obviously later they will hear lots of things they shouldn’t say. It’s a learning opportunity. Be consistent and positive. It is better to tell him how to say it in a different way than say don’t say that. Good luck. It is funny though. They say the darndest thing.

Miranda  May 2, 2009, 2:39 PM

My son, when he was maybe 4 or so, offered up his own take on why some people have brown skin: (after I explained my carrying him as a bun in the oven) “Mommy, his mommy left him in the oven too long!”

Anne May 3, 2009, 5:21 PM

A few years ago, my mom, sister, and I, took our niece shopping with us. It was Superbowl Sunday and we went to Albertsons. This store was packed and the the check out lines were full. My sister and I we’re walking with our niece when we lost sight of our mom around the check out lines, my sister told said “Oh No, we lost grandma”, that’s when my four year old niece yelled out, “OH, F***!!!”. Everyone, who was around us turned around and gave my sister and I a look of stock and disappointment.

rugbymom May 9, 2009, 12:56 PM

Wow, that is so funny. I guess it’s funny to me because I know this is one we might just have to bite the bullet on and take our shameful looks from other parents. The other day I said to my dear sweet princess of 3 years, “Honey, do you want milk or juice?” and she responded,”What the hell did you just say?” I know where she got this and honestly I was astonished at how well she used it in context, and was just happy she did not substitute hell with F***!!

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