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Childless Bitch Finds Her Soulmate

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Childless Bitch: I am not the only one out there bitching about the cult of mommyhood. I have found my soulmate regarding all things baby and new mommy!

And as the yin to my yang, she has gone and robbed my chances of scoring a book deal about what it's really like to be a childless thirty-something woman in a sea of poopie talk and tummy time. Carrie Friedman's "Pregnant Pause" is like a 180-page Childless Bitch column. This book speaks truthiness! I call dibs on movie rights.

two woman looking away

I wouldn't have had the restraint necessary to not call my own version of "Pregnant Pause" something like "When Did All My Friends Turn into Socially Inept MommyBots Who Can't Talk about Anything Not Related to Gross Bodily Functions?" -- but I'm thinking that actually might have been close to Friedman's original title, and after much debate, an editor made her change it to something more subtle. In her book, Carrie (since we're soulmates, I feel like it's okay to be on a first-name basis) waxes poetic on what it's like to have baby lust, but to not be ready to end her life in order to completely accommodate someone else's.

The book also talks about the pressure put on her by everyone from her mom to her gyno to spring forth life from her loins. Like Friedman, my mom started asking me in college (when I could barely take care of a bong, let alone a baby) when she should expect a grandchild. Mom has now taken to calling herself the Grandchildless Bitch. Also like Carrie, I have been pitied by condescending mommies for not accomplishing anything as spectacular as child-rearing. I've lived abroad and traveled the world extensively, but poor empty me not to know what it's like to give birth to a little pooping, shrieking, sleep-depriving miracle -- maybe one day I'll understand. Sigh.

"Pregnant Pause" also reams new mommies on the ridiculousness of everything from draping a child in a protective grocery cart seat cover (y'all are crazy!) to calling them out on not disciplining their young brats for punching my soulmate in the face. I believe that mom's excuse for letting her child act out was because Carrie spoke to the child on their level, and therefore didn't show proper respect and somehow deserved to be attacked. Again, crazy.

In short, if you love this column, you'll love this book. And if you hate this column, you'll at least get a kick out of raging against "Pregnant Pause"'s comedic writing style and timely pop cultural references. And Carrie, if you're reading this, I look forward to sharing all the (often misspelled) vitriol of hate from the offended mommies.

next: Please Say It's NOT Swine Flu!
16 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kristen June 9, 2009, 7:22 AM

I was put off by this article purely because of the word b****. I think it’s inappropriate for momlogic to use this in a title. I don’t know about anyone else here but I happen to have a child who can read. Do you have no decency momlogic?

Shannon  June 9, 2009, 7:51 AM

I think it’s stupid for an article like this to be posted on a website geared towards moms. I feel sorry for the author of the book and this article. Clueless.

Mel June 9, 2009, 8:09 AM

Wow! who ever wrote this article has some mager anger issues towards children and mabe should have titled the article Baby Hater.

lovin; the b*tch June 9, 2009, 8:32 AM

WOO-HOO!! I’m a mom and SICK of those members of the cult of mommyhood!! I’m sick of friends who were once capable of conversation and can now only speak in baby talk about poo. Thanks momlogic for offering someone with a real point of view! Childless B. is Hilarious!

Sandy June 9, 2009, 11:15 AM

Childless B, I adore you. And how’s this for odd timing: I JUST finished reading PREGNANT PAUSE this very weekend!
It’s brilliant and I loved it. I laughed, I cried, I’m going to read it again. And to be clear to the haters out there: the author of Preg Pause makes it thoroughly clear the whole way through that she loves kids and fully intends to have them. BUT, because she has worked with kids (and had bad experiences with many of her mommy-friends) has taken the time to ask herself the important questions WE ALL SHOULD ASK OURSELVES BEFORE we jump into the irreversible and not-to-be-taken-lightly parent ‘hood.
I’m so glad this great book found it’s way to you, Childless B, and am glad you enjoyed it as much as I did!!!

Kelly June 9, 2009, 11:22 AM

What happened to my comment? Did you delete it?

Secret Mommy June 9, 2009, 12:28 PM

I find this column to be ill-fitting on this website. Childless B is obviously entitled to her opinion about children, but why spout it off here? And as a mother, I admit that when I’m with other mom friends we often compare notes about intestinal, skin, behavioral and other issues related to our kids, but we are capable of and frequently have other conversations, too. Get off your high horse and quit stereotyping.

Melissa June 9, 2009, 12:56 PM

I love this column. It’s probably one of the funniest one’s I’ve read in a while! I’m going to go out and get that book.

v June 9, 2009, 1:30 PM

I am a mother and this article really cracks me up!!! So many people I know only want to talk about there kids… I get so sick of it. I work at a bank and there are so many people who let there kids get away with knocking down things and erasing the white board in the lobby. The only thing they say to them is: “is that a good choice?” I want to scream ‘NO IT’S NOT! MAKE THEM STOP!’ My son doesn’t act like that I don’t know why other moms think it’s ok. I think it is especially rude to go into a place of business and let your little monster make a mess all the while hollering because it’s taking too long. If I didn’t have to clean up after children maybe your deposit would be out quicker! GO CHILDLESS B#&@^!!!!!!!!!

wait what? June 9, 2009, 5:02 PM

Hey Kristen, what’s your child doing on MOMlogic? If you don’t want your child to see curse words, you better hide her under a rock now and install permanent ear plugs into their ears and a good blindfold.

And I agree with V, I can’t stand parents who are all calm and sweet while their brats create havoc. In old school parenting, you’d see how fast the kids stop when you give them that one hardcore mean look. There was no “Please sweetie, that isn’t nice!” B.S.

Anonymous June 9, 2009, 5:50 PM

i feel who ever wrote this column is having jealousy issues of not having a child and wants one that where all the anger comes from i feel sorry for you

Soynugget June 9, 2009, 6:50 PM

Can’t you ladies read!? She is ranting against YOU, not your babies. I don’t think there’s an ounce of baby jealousy in this article. But keep telling yourselves that, if that’s what it takes to get by.
Also, Kristen - congrats on having a child who can read!

Mother-Thinker June 10, 2009, 4:05 PM

Wake up, ladies! The reason this blogger fits here is because motherhood impacts all women, even before they are mothers… even if they choose not to (or cannot become) mothers.

Childless isn’t entirely wrong in wanting to live life as just a woman right now, not as a potential baby making machine that hasn’t produced yet.

To her, I say, live it up! Children do change everything, and it’s not always all good, transcendent, joyous and spiritual.

Anonymous June 13, 2009, 2:07 PM

I cracked up when I read about the part about the “grocery cart seat cover” - I’ll admit, I have one! It’s easier to keep my wiggly, tiny 7mo in than the crappy straps on the cart, so I use it. And it keeps him from trying to eat the nasty handles and metal on the cart. So go ahead and point and laugh, I can take it! And I’ll probably check out the book, I like a good laugh (even if it’s at my own expense sometimes!).

LuckyChica June 13, 2009, 4:28 PM

This is my first time reading this column, and I loved it! I am a 30something woman without kids who is totally okay with it. Last year I had about 5 friends give birth which changed many things about our friendships (naturally!). But I think columns like this - within a mom blog- are important because having a child does affect ALL your interpersonal relationships. My friends have been GREAT at not letting child rearing dominate every conversation and being particularly sensitive about the fact those of us w/o kids really don’t care about every poop and clap. HOwever, I also had to adjust my expectations and realize that they have different priorities now that I have to accept. It can be a smooth transition, but we (child-free women) need you (moms) to understand that we all don’t wish we were in your shoes or have “issues” regarding our lack of mommy status. Some of us just don’t want to go there yet and we are so OK with it! Please let us be so.

David June 20, 2009, 10:01 AM

I’m a childless b——-d (I’m male so I can’t apply to myself the same b-word this blogger uses). Am I wrong to think that if you don’t like this blog (or blogger), don’t read it? I think momlogic is to be commended for being broad-minded enough, and appealingly rebellious, to include a blog/column of this sort on the website. I am relieved and delighted that I am old enough now that my associates, friends and relatives with kids are well beyond the poopie-talk years. They still talk about their kids, but it is infinitely more interesting stuff—dilemmas in dating and driving, college applications—and as a person without kids, I can enjoy hashing that stuff out with those parents. Obviously, two parents of young kids will find it immensely interesting to talk about poop and other details of baby life…but oh, how colossally boring I found it to listen to listen to when I was unable to avoid doing so!

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