Childless Bitch: I am not the only one out there bitching about the cult of mommyhood. I have found my soulmate regarding all things baby and new mommy!
And as the yin to my yang, she has gone and robbed my chances of scoring a book deal about what it's really like to be a childless thirty-something woman in a sea of poopie talk and tummy time. Carrie Friedman's "Pregnant Pause" is like a 180-page Childless Bitch column. This book speaks truthiness! I call dibs on movie rights.
I wouldn't have had the restraint necessary to not call my own version of "Pregnant Pause" something like "When Did All My Friends Turn into Socially Inept MommyBots Who Can't Talk about Anything Not Related to Gross Bodily Functions?" -- but I'm thinking that actually might have been close to Friedman's original title, and after much debate, an editor made her change it to something more subtle. In her book, Carrie (since we're soulmates, I feel like it's okay to be on a first-name basis) waxes poetic on what it's like to have baby lust, but to not be ready to end her life in order to completely accommodate someone else's.
The book also talks about the pressure put on her by everyone from her mom to her gyno to spring forth life from her loins. Like Friedman, my mom started asking me in college (when I could barely take care of a bong, let alone a baby) when she should expect a grandchild. Mom has now taken to calling herself the Grandchildless Bitch. Also like Carrie, I have been pitied by condescending mommies for not accomplishing anything as spectacular as child-rearing. I've lived abroad and traveled the world extensively, but poor empty me not to know what it's like to give birth to a little pooping, shrieking, sleep-depriving miracle -- maybe one day I'll understand. Sigh.
"Pregnant Pause" also reams new mommies on the ridiculousness of everything from draping a child in a protective grocery cart seat cover (y'all are crazy!) to calling them out on not disciplining their young brats for punching my soulmate in the face. I believe that mom's excuse for letting her child act out was because Carrie spoke to the child on their level, and therefore didn't show proper respect and somehow deserved to be attacked. Again, crazy.
In short, if you love this column, you'll love this book. And if you hate this column, you'll at least get a kick out of raging against "Pregnant Pause"'s comedic writing style and timely pop cultural references. And Carrie, if you're reading this, I look forward to sharing all the (often misspelled) vitriol of hate from the offended mommies.