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5 Things My Husband Hates about Marriage

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Jennifer Ginsberg: After my brutally honest essay, The Five Things I Hate about Marriage, Adam has finally prepared his rebuttal. Here are the Five Things My Husband Hates about Marriage.

couple arguing

1. Bathroom sharing. He seems to take issue with my hair. Yes, it is long. Yes, it is dark. Yes, he loves to run his fingers through it. But he does not like to see it in his brush, in the sink, on the floor, and in the shower. He also does not seem to understand why I need to keep an artillery of products on the counter, poised and ready for combat, at all times. Are a round brush, a vent brush, 3 combs, and 15 different types of leave-in conditioner all really necessary? "And why do you need both a flat iron and a curling iron to be plugged in at the same time?" he asked me the other day, completely bewildered. "What's the meaning of life?" I responded, knowing that neither question could ever really be answered.

2. Bed sharing. According to Adam, he is getting a lot of action in bed, and it comes in a variety of ways. Whether his covers are getting ripped off, or his pillows are getting pulled out from under him, he can always count on me to suddenly arouse him from the deepest sleep. Speaking of getting aroused ... "When is the best time to initiate sex?" he recently inquired. My answer: Not when I am tired, sleeping, writing, doing yoga, having PMS, having my period, ovulating, or feeling fat. It's really not that complicated, is it?

3. Nonstop compromise. Adam grew up eating fast food, Chinese take-out, and Hostess and Nabisco snacks. I am an organic, mostly vegetarian type who hates anything processed. Shortly after we were married, I unceremoniously threw out his Wonder Bread, Ding Dongs, and Ritz crackers in one fell swoop. He didn't know whether to slowly stab me to death or sit shivah. "I cannot live in a house with Wonder Bread!" I declared. End of discussion. "This is called compromise?" he asked me, as he tried to choke down a piece of whole grain cardboard.

4. Civility during PMS. Granted, I feel bloated, my breasts hurt, I'm tearful, and my clothes don't fit. But Adam would like to set the record straight: He is not responsible for my condition. "So, please, please, please stop blaming me," he begged, when I interviewed him on this topic. "Just go into isolation and eat your chocolate chips and peanut butter and let me be."

5. Having to accept the other men in my life. Ever since Adam and I met, I have been having passionate love affairs. While the names and faces of these men are different, they are universally responsive to my needs and provide me with unlimited stimulation. You might even say I am addicted to them. I go to bed dreaming about them and wake up thinking about them. They are the unsung heroes in my life: the Starbucks baristas who make me my nonfat extra- shot soy lattes and iced green teas (no water, no sweetener). I run to them first thing in the morning and throughout the day. At times, I even make Adam face them to get me my fix. He does this without complaint, which is one of the many reasons I love him. I admit, it is an unconventional arrangement, but we make it work.

While the union of marriage offers incredible benefits, it can also be a major pain in the ass for both sexes. However, I believe that by accepting our differences (rather than denying them), even the most frustrating conflicts can be navigated with mutual respect and a good sense of humor. We make it work. We understand each other. As long as I have my soy latte and there isn't Wonder Bread in my pantry ... and as long as Adam occasionally gets aroused from his deepest sleep, we are both happy!

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109 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jenny June 3, 2009, 4:33 PM

I am also the organic type who thinks Oreos and the like are absolutely disgusting but my husband is like yours. Let the man eat what he wants to, he has a mother, it’s not you (at least I hope not cause that would be creepy and illegal).

Maeby June 3, 2009, 4:46 PM

oreos are awesome. have you tried them with milk? it’s mind blowing.

Jenny June 3, 2009, 5:23 PM

Well actually I have Celiac Disease and they would damage my intestines not to mention the days of agony I would have to endure.Before I had the disease I did try them and didn’t like the texture of the cream, it tasted like vegetable shortening. I did switch the Newman’s Own and enjoyed those but as I said, can’t eat them now!

Messymom June 3, 2009, 6:04 PM

sometimes i think it would be easier to co-habitate with girlfriends!

Anonymous June 3, 2009, 6:45 PM

Why in the world does her hubby have to quit eating the things he likes simply because she does not like them? Too controlling. Eat and let eat!! GEEZ!

AM  June 4, 2009, 12:47 AM

these sound like typical complaints of marriage… nothing major… as far as him having to give up the junk food, his health is probably better for it

Jenny June 4, 2009, 9:53 AM

I don’t think anyone is disputing that his health is better off for it but he is a grown man and should be able to decide for himself what he wants to eat.

My husband downs Pepsi’s and Oreos like they are going out of style, it makes me cringe but it is HIS body, HIS health, HIS choice. I make my concerns known but when it comes down to it he is a grown man and I am not his mother.

AG June 4, 2009, 11:01 AM

Honestly, these are the sort of things you come to terms with before you take the leap to marriage (in my experience at least) - unless, of course, you previously never had sleep overs or went on vacations together.

mom2jazz June 4, 2009, 5:28 PM

AHAHHAHAAHA…great read!

Anonymous June 4, 2009, 7:26 PM

I don’t see anything wrong with not having junk food in the house. What kind of example will that give the kids if mommy eats healthy and daddy eats junk? Of course the kids will want what daddy eats. There’s nothing wrong with what she does. I do it too. I’m not going to be with someone that eat’s a bunch of crap. It’s disgusting.

jenny June 4, 2009, 10:03 PM

My husband has his crap in the house and my daughter knows she can’t have it and I tell her why and then I give her healthy alternatives.

I just think its crap that its his house too but yet she chooses what can come into the house. Can you say control issues?

Chrissy June 6, 2009, 5:41 PM

This is why men fear marriage - controlling, emotionally unbalanced and immature wives.
They have medications for PMS and even herbal are suppose to help.
How is your fantsay sex life of other men suppose to make your husband feel?
You should have keep that to yourself.
Wives don’t like to hear their husbands talk about their fantsaty women.
And you knew your husband’s eating habits before you marriage. Did you really htink it was going to change after marraige? that’s your issue. Don’t get upset with your husband over your disappointment.

mercaties June 8, 2009, 8:48 PM

I had my husband read this just to get a mans opinion and the first thing out of his mouth was “what an overbearing controling b****.” So, there you have it from a real man.

Shdxbjsa June 30, 2009, 1:35 PM

klOvSX comment1 ,

anonomous July 2, 2009, 3:07 AM

I see she eats peanut butter and chocolate chips when upset. What a double standard! And when can he have sex? Apparently with the list she provides only when she wants to fantasize about someone else. I hope he cheats on her and then dumps her. She deserves nothing less.

Anonymous January 11, 2010, 2:01 PM

I posted with my boyfriend on the related article (from the wife’s perspective). While I suppose I was wrong in saying that if a man posted a similar article there would be all these crazy chicks telling him he’s a sexist, it doesn’t really count since this was clearly written by the wife. I still think you’re ridiculously selfish and controlling, and that your husband is inconceivably patient for dealing with your crap all these years. Grow up.

P.S. The part about her “having love affairs” was obviously a joke. Kudos for that. Everyone else, chill out.

Anonymous April 20, 2010, 11:42 PM

Why are people feeling bad for the man… If he’s a man he’ll stand up for himself. With that said, if I were a man I would have filed the papers already.

Anonymous July 20, 2010, 12:59 PM

Get rid of her.

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