As some of you may know, my one-year-old son, Luke, recently had some surgery on his testicles. One of them, apparently, was undescended.
Paul Starke: You know how when you put your money in a vending machine, and the little coil swirls and your Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is falling toward the bottom, only to get stuck against the glass? Well, that sort of describes Luke's condition, with the Peanut Butter Cup being one of Luke's balls (perhaps I should've used Snickers in this analogy, since it has NUTS. Get it?). I could devote an entire blog to candy bar/gonad humor, but instead, I'll just go through the entire day for you. It was scary and unnerving, but now Luke's OK, so I can make fun of it all ...
5:53 AM - We wake up to go to the hospital. Luke wasn't allowed to eat anything the night before, so we are desperately trying to get him in his carseat without waking him.
6:26 AM - Arrive at the hospital and check in. I nervously make a bad "Grey's Anatomy" joke to the receptionist. Luke is awake, hungry, and pissed off. As is Mommy.
7:14 AM - Consult with the anesthesiologist. Not a fun conversation for any parent to have.
7:31 AM - Luke is given the pre-anesthesia "Happy Drug" syrup to relax him. Whatever this stuff is, I want it. In a matter of minutes, Luke goes from crying hysterically to goofy giggly bliss, reminding me of myself during my freshman year of college.
7:39 AM - We hand him off to the doctors, and it is the single most terrifying moment of my life.
7:45 AM to 9:42 AM - My wife and I are trying to conceal our anxiety in the waiting room by reading each other passages from Us Weekly and People magazine.
10:11 AM - Still no word yet, and we're trying to remain calm. The lady two chairs down eating Fritos while screaming into her cell phone is not helping.
10:58 AM - Doctor comes out to tell us that the surgery went well! The reason it took so long is that Luke has a "thick scrotum." For some reason, this makes me proud.
11:07 AM - We're escorted into recovery to see our (still conked out) baby boy! He's attached to a bunch of wires and machines, but otherwise looks comfortable. We're told to wait patiently until he wakes up ...
12:22 PM - Luke gets up, and immediately starts playing peek-a-boo. I play along, through my tears.
We took Luke home later that afternoon, and although it looks like somebody hit him in the crotch with a softball bat, he is back to himself. The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is where it should be: the surgeon kicked the machine in the right spot.
Thanks to the INCREDIBLE staff at NYU Hospital for taking great care of Luke's twigs and berries!
|Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, "An Inconvenient Book."|