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PiscesI'm Banning Father's Day!
Mommy2B: I'm not going to be planning his golf outing, gifts, or even prepare breakfast for my husband. This year, the only father I'll be thanking is my dad.
Though we're not technically parents yet, we are expecting our first baby in the next couple of months. When Mother's Day came this year, I was pleasantly surprised that my husband bought me a card and a gorgeous gift from a local maternity shop. Initially I didn't think moms-to-be actually celebrate, but given the fact that you are pregnant, you do jump into more of a mom role -- you take on different responsibilities, make tons of adjustments, and start to take care of another human being -- so I actually felt I deserved a little pampering that day.
But. Now we've got Father's Day coming up. Am I to celebrate this, and if so, why? In all honesty, my husband's been living his life not having to make a single adjustment -- he drinks the same, goes out the same, plays golf the same, and goes about his days the same. Furthermore, I have done absolutely everything thus far: I have researched day cares, chosen a pediatrician, registered for all necessary baby goods, hired a doula, signed us up for birthing classes -- in a nutshell, I have done it all. I have been the mom-in-preparation and I have been the mom physically, making food and exercise and alcohol and lifestyle changes. I don't mean to be rude, but how has he been a dad?
Some of you may say: but what can he do right now to be a dad?? Well, I'll tell ya: I have asked, now that we are entering the eighth month of pregnancy, for him to clean "his" room, which will soon become the nursery. I have asked him to read "Babywise" -- he has read maybe three pages. I have asked him to take some of his knickknacks, including his collection of golf tees, out of "his room" -- after all, they are a hazard to the baby. He is beside himself that those have to be put in storage (I'm not even asking him to throw them awayyyyy!!) I've asked him to please remove the stack of surfboards out of the living room and into the garage and move the Wii drumset to make room for the baby swing. I have asked him to try not drinking with me -- for one weekend! You guessed it -- nada.
So, Father's Day? Why should I?
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- 16 Comments
So if he keeps to his ways once the baby is born, will you celebrate him next year? It sounds like a communication problem, and if your solution to handling it is to ignore his role in your pregnancy, you come off as a pouty child yourself. I hope the best for you—pregnancy isn’t easy because it does feel like we do most of the work, but now is the time to get yourselves on the same page because you don’t want to be dealing with that AND a newborn at the same time. Good luck.
nip this in the bud! if your husband is like this now, it will be the same or worse when your little one arrives.
buy a father-to-be card, and call it a day. maybe make lunch, that is pushing it!
He is a father in the same sense you are a mother. If a woman is pregnant and looses the baby do you expect that the father won’t grieve just as much. It kind of sounds like you are acting a little spoiled…when the baby comes you will see that having a “perfect” place for the swing will be the LEAST of your worries.
kealy - loses. the only way you can “loose” something is to set it loose. you can, however, lose something.
Your husband sounds very selfish, If I were you I would go to the book store and find a book on how to be a Dad wrap it up and give it to him for fathers day. Mabe he will get the hint with that gift and learn something as well. If that doesnt work try withholding sex and see how fast he gets those things done it seems for some men thats the only language they understand. Good luck!
Mel- first off withholding sex is childish and stupid. Secondly, I don’t think her husband sounds sefish. He got her a card and a gift for Mothers Day and she isn’t a mother yet nor is she his mother so I think she should appreciate him doing that. I don’t care how much any man does for his children, women will alway end up doing more. When my kids were babies and I also worked full time I still got up with them in the middle of the night and let him sleep (he did get up on friday and saturday nights)I still took them to all of their doctors and dentist appointments and dropped them off and picked them up for daycare everyday. Being a mom is one of the most rewarding and unappreciated jobs in the world and if you’re gonna sit back and wait for the people around you to pat you on the back for a job well done…well you may be sitting back a long time.
Chris, How does he not sound selfish to you. It sounds to me like he hasnt lifted a finger except for when he bought those measily gifts. I dont know about you but marriage is suposed to be fifty fifty. Yah, sometimes you give a little more and you take a little more but it should never be up to one or the other. So if thats what you do in your marraige I feel sorry for you. My husband is right their with me helping me raise OUR three children and would never think about putting it all on my shoulders the same way I wouldnt expect it of him. As far as withholding sex being childish and stupid well if you act the part.
I totally agree with you. What is it with guys not wanting to prepare for the biggest change of their lives? As far as doing anything for him on this coming fathers day….I wouldn’t do a thing.
I hope you and your husband can find a way to get on the same page because being pregant is the easiest part of having children. Just remember the you have to handle the situation like adults and talk it through. If you feel resentment now you will surely feel more after the baby come because thats when the real work starts.
Sounds to me like a Father’s Day gift is the least of your problems. I agree with the other anon poster who said you and your husband have to get on the same page. Witholding a “gift” isn’t going to solve your problem, and in the end, won’t make you feel any better. Maybe a father’s day gift would make him feel more involved. Keep in mind, also, that all of the things you’ve listed above are “chores”. You’ve had not only the responsibility of pregnancy, but the pleasures, too. Have you tried sharing some of the fun stuff?
My husband wasn’t really involved with all of the pre baby stuff either but once the baby came, he was all there. I think a lot of men don’t get into it that much because they aren’t going through all of the real changes that we do. Let’s hope thing change after the baby comes but remember that the most important thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open or your resentment will continue to grow.
Men and women prepare for pregnancy very differently. I was convinced that everything had to get done the exact second I felt it should. The room will get cleaned, he doesn’t need the book, the stuff will get into storage.
Treat your partner like an adult, not a child. Withholding a gift because of ‘bad behavior’ is immature and more damaging than you’d think.
Well, today is Father’s Day so you’ll have to tell us what you decided to do.
Well…
He surprised me. I got home and he took the surfboards out of the living room and was packing boxes in “his room.” I was so shocked.
Maybe i was a bit hard on him..
i got up and made him breakfast and got him his first daddy book to read to the baby.
At night while we were hanging out he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “i can’t wait to meet her.”
Maybe I overreacted..
I don’t get it…I’ve tried to response to this post many of times and each time I put my name in, I get banned. WTF? Did I offend the mommy2b? My last post I wished her, her husband and their future babies the best of luck and still I’m banned…Why? (chris)
Sorry to tell you but even after the baby is born you will still handle most of the responsibility. My husband is a great husband and father and he helps with the kids but he is clueless to the day in and day out of raising the kids. I would still get him a daddy to be card and that’s it.