Momlogic spoke with Leeza Gibbons about her family's personal struggle with her mother's Alzheimer's disease, and her new book, "Take Your Oxygen First," to aid caregivers of people with memory loss.

momlogic: When did you first suspect your mom was suffering with memory loss?

Leeza Gibbons: I think I am like most family members in that even though the signs were there and even though my grandmother had the disease, we still went into denial, went into our separate corners and just didn't want to see what was there. My mother looked like she had the symptoms of being an alcoholic -- she was disoriented, her personality was changing, she was repeating herself, she wasn't taking good care of her hygiene, and I was actually prepared to stage an intervention. She's the one who really brought it to my attention that something was wrong with her memory, that something wasn't right, because she had always run that household with the skill of a steel magnolia, and after paying one of the bills several times, she's the one who really sat us down and forced us to all go together and get the official diagnosis.

momlogic: When was your mother actually diagnosed with Alzheimer's? And as a daughter, what was your initial reaction upon hearing the diagnosis?

Leeza: When my grandmother died, my mother had just been diagnosed with the same disease that took her mother's life. That was probably the most powerful moment for me because my mother was looking at her mother, I was looking at my mother, and my kids were looking at me. Leading up to this, there was frustration. I know with my mom, she would say something and I would say, "Well, mom, you already told me that." Or I would say, "Mom, did you brush your teeth?" Things I now realize were the disease, and I think in a lot of families you replay all of your interactions and you feel really frustrated or guilty about not being there, things you said, things you didn't say, and that's part of the reality wave. I think you realize how vulnerable you really are, how logical and biological families really need each other in moments of a health crisis, especially because memory loss doesn't just want to diagnose individuals, it will break open the entire family structure and everyone can unravel. It goes from the financial, to physical, to spiritual, and it's depleting.

momlogic: Why was it important to your mother and to your family to share her story?

Leeza: My mother is the person who helped me identify myself as a storyteller. She got me on the path to journalism, reporting, and ultimately to be the conduit through which information made its way into the marketplace -- and it was in the 6th grade. I have grown up with two parents who always encouraged us to walk our talk and live our lives authentically and believe in the power of transformation. By telling the story and her courageousness, we were really able to honor and continue to honor her spirit.

momlogic: Why do you consider losing your memory the cruelest disease?

Leeza: Our memory is our collection of who we love and how we spend our time. For that to be rewritten or erased is unbearably cruel to me. We get to the end of our lives and that is what nourishes us, and reminds us of our strength and of a life well lived, and it shows us where we've been. Memory matters. Alzheimer's is one of the most frightening diseases because without our memory or recall of this data bank of who we are, it's hard to figure out what our lives stand for.

momlogic: When it comes to being a caregiver, whether it's a daughter taking care of her elderly mother or a mother caring for her sick child -- what does "Take your oxygen first" mean?

Leeza: Family caregivers are like first responders. When there's a burning building or a car crash, everyone is running from the scene, but the first responders are running towards the emergency. That's what caregivers do. Sometimes they do it willingly, sometimes they're recruited, sometimes there's no one else, sometimes they're the first ones to raise their hand. But regardless, they are the first responders of their family. They are often the people who are at the greatest risk for stress-related disorders. They are candidates for compassion fatigue, which means their bodies and their spirits are under assault from the caregiving experience. It can take 10 years off your life as a caregiver. Because you are loving this person through a health crisis, chances are you may be depressed or suffer from a number of maladies that are a result of your caregiving challenges and duties. "Take your oxygen first" is really a battle cry, it's a mantra, it's a reminder that if you don't nourish yourself mind, body, soul, and spirit, we will be so depleted we will have nothing to give our loved ones. The oxygen metaphor is really meant to be a visual reminder that it's not a selfish thing, it's an incredible sign of personal strength to take your oxygen first. You don't have an infinite reserve of physical and emotional resources, you have to take your oxygen first.

momlogic: How did you explain your mother's memory loss to your three children? 

Leeza: You know, age appropriateness is really the leading guide for moms when they are in this situation. For me, my kids were all old enough to know and see the changes in their grandmother. They knew something wasn't right with her. I think, as much as they were concerned about her, they were concerned about me. I told my kids a heart never forgets and love is stronger than the disease in JG's (which is the nickname they called their grandmother) brain. She may not remember your name, but she will always remember that she loves you and that you love her. I would bring an analogy in like, "Remember when your friend broke his ankle? He had an injury ... Well, JG has an injury, her brain is broken and it doesn't work so well right now." Just to simplify it so they can kind of understand it. It's okay for kids to be angry, sad, or scared. We need to reassure kids that we're okay and that just because someone has it in our family doesn't mean we're necessarily going to get it. For me as a parent, this is a wonderful opportunity to model our strength, that we're not always perfect, we're not bulletproof, we can show our emotions, to model our compassion, kindness, and resourcefulness. I think there are powerful opportunities for families to get stronger.

momlogic: How did your mother's battle with Alzheimer's change or affect the way you parent your three children?

Leeza: We hide our emotions -- we eat too much, drink too much, and do whatever it is to get by. For me, I got overbusy. It's what I know, it's what I do. I thought, I am going to fix this, I am going to search all over the world to find a cure -- and I am not saying this is a bad thing, but in my case, it really prevented me from coming to terms with our family challenge as early as I could have, instead of celebrating where Grandmom was right now.

momlogic: What advice can you give moms to help them explain Grandma or Grandpa's memory loss to their kids?

Leeza: As moms, we are great CEOs of our family and great producers.

• We have to be aware of when the most opportune moment is, or create the most opportune moment. I think you do it at a time when you're not overly tired, and when there's not too much chaos in the home.
  
• I think you talk briefly, factually, and you don't overburden them with the medical jargon.
  
• Don't overdramatize how scared you are.
  
• Give them permission to feel whatever it is they feel, and don't try to talk them out of it. We want to protect our kids so much, we tell them, "Oh don't be sad, don't be scared." Of course they're sad and scared -- and as parents, it's important we honor wherever they are in the process.

It was interesting to see my kids and my sister's kids and where they were in the process. My daughter was ready to get into bed right away with my mom to brush her hair and sing to her. My son wasn't ready to see it for a while. And my niece couldn't even go visit with her. It's important to accept their feelings and allow kids to go at their own pace.

momlogic: What things should moms do or remember when caring for a loved one? (What pieces of advice can help them get through this?)

Leeza: People say, "What can I do, how can I help you?" I made a list because there were many things we needed. You need to learn how to ask for help.

• Breathe: If you're a caregiver, you're probably taking very shallow breaths, which means your brain is not getting enough actual oxygen and your spirit is not getting enough oxygen, so you need to take deep breaths, which can really re-center, re-focus, and recharge you.
  
• Believe: It's essential to believe you're enough, you're strong enough and that you'll get through it. To believe there's hope, and whatever your faith, it's the time to believe that all of those touchstone things are meaningful in your life.
  
• Receive: Open your heart to receive the blessings of the present and the strength to get through it.
  
• Grieving your loss is so important. Just recognizing you lost a part of your loved one. My mom's laugh had changed, the expression on her face changed. My mom was still there and people told me to be grateful I still had her. I needed to grieve the loss of the mother I had before and let her go, because I wasn't going to get her back.

momlogic: What is Leeza's Place?

Leeza: We are a living room environment where we offer free support to caregivers and their loved ones who are diagnosed with any chronic illness. Our three "E's" are education, empowerment, and energy. So when a caregiver comes to Leeza's Place or when they come to our website or call, they may need to be coached through their caregiving reality, to be referred within their community for diagnosis or to see a specialist, or they may just need to talk or have a cup of coffee. We are like a blanket of support to say, "You're not alone, here's how we're gonna help you, and here's how we're going to take care of you while you're taking care of your loved one." Leeza's Place is designed after my mother's kitchen -- the doors are always open, coffee is always on, and we've always got time for the hope and the healing. Leeza's Place is a resource and we help you find everything in your community to support you, and if we can't find it, we'll help create it for you. It's nationwide. We now have 10 of them, and it's virtual as well.

momlogic: Is Alzheimer's or memory loss hereditary?

Leeza: As with breast cancer, you may have a familial proclivity to the disease, you may be at a slightly elevated percentage of greater risk, but everyone should be concerned because it's like Russian roulette. It's random, and just because you don't have a family member with Alzheimer's doesn't mean you're not going to get it, and if you do, that doesn't mean you are going to get it.

For more information on The Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation, visit www.leezasplace.org.

We're giving five readers the chance to win a copy of "Take Your Oxygen First" -- Enter for your chance to win!

Leeza Gibbons and Family!