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My Best Friend Hates My Fiance

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Sharon from Baltimore writes:

I got engaged last week. Tom finally gave me a ring and it was the happiest day of my life ... or it should have been the happiest day of my life. The first call I made after I said "Yes" was to Judy, my best friend of fifteen years. Her reaction was "less than thrilled," and when I asked her why she did not sound excited, she said, "Tom is so not right for you and if I do not tell you now I won't be able to live with myself." I was speechless. Judy is supposed to be the one I ask to be my Maid of Honor. Instead, I feel like I may be gaining a husband and losing a best friend at the same time. What do you think?

sad woman and a man proposing to woman

Leslie Adler: Dear Sharon, Congratulations on your engagement. This is an exciting time and your friend should revel in your joy, but before you "write her off," I think you have to ask yourself a few tough questions. What is motivating Judy? Is she jealous or bitter? Or does she really have concerns about you marrying Tom? If you believe that she has your best interests at heart, then you should hear Judy's concerns in a calm conversation. If she is off base, then convince Judy that you know Tom better than she does and that she need not worry about you. You may be able to ask her to be your Maid of Honor after all.

Has your friend ever tried to sabotage your relationship with a guy? Or has a friend ever given you a valid warning about your relationship with a guy? Share your thoughts....

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11 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous June 5, 2009, 10:30 PM

Haha, my boyfriend’s name is Tom as well. My best friend isn’t Judy, but she’s told me the same thing about Tom - I can do better. Her husband believes the same thing. However, Tom and I love each other and have a son together, and he’s not going anywhere any time soon. And my best friend understands and accepts that, and I know that if we get to the point where we decide to get married, she’ll be there for me. She knows I won’t take that lightly, which is why we’re not married already (like some people think we should’ve done when I got pregnant over a year ago).
If Judy actually has your best interests at heart, and that’s why she couldn’t live with herself without speaking up, then maybe you need to examine Tom, your relationship, etc. But if she has some other motivation, then figure out what it is and go from there, even if that means losing a best friend… maybe she’s not that great if she has some other reason for saying so. But maybe she is and she’s trying to help you, too!

Mel June 6, 2009, 8:54 AM

Mabe shes just jealus of the situation and thinks if you get married shell be losing her best freind becouse youll be to busy with your new husband a married life…Or mabe she knows something about Tom you dont. Good luck!

marge June 6, 2009, 9:02 AM

I agree. I would not just write off Judy’s behavior as jealousy. At least explore what she has to say…then decide.

lori June 6, 2009, 11:15 AM

This happened to me and to “anonymous” so I am wondering if t is a jealousy thing because it seems common.

Chrissy June 6, 2009, 5:21 PM

Anonymous - hm? You don’t take mariage “lightly”, but you take getting knocking up lightly? You’ll have a kid with a man you wouldn’t necessarily married?
Tom gets the benefits of a wife and kid and the benefits of being single.
No wonder your freind has reservations about your relationship.

Bec Thomas June 6, 2009, 7:09 PM

Someone you have known for 15 years tells you that they see a problem. This is someone you have known longer then the person you say your going to marry. A wise person would in the least listen to what they have to say before writting it off. Loved ones may not be right all the time but they often do see things that we miss because we are to emotionally involved in the situation.

Anon2 June 7, 2009, 10:55 AM

Chrissy - first off, please learn to spell properly if you’re going to come on here and judge someone. You don’t know that person’s situation so you don’t know whether she takes “getting knocked up lightly.” Not everyone lives your perfect little high life, so get over yourself and stop judging others for their choices, their beliefs, and their circumstances.

Melme June 19, 2009, 3:22 PM

I had two “friends” while growing up, we went through a lot together. I stayed closer to one than the other for male reasons - #2’s finance’decided to try to go down my blouse and I told her about it (of course things were never the same and the guy made her exclude me from all JR & HS get together which they amply had) - things were never the same - she married him I saw her 1x until they divorced (#1&2 stayed friends). #1 friend divorced and found a “new” man that had 2 DUI’s no real money and kept loosing his jobs. Her wedding was a disaster, her mom didn’t even offer to help - I tried the best I could. #2 friend kept insisting the whole time this was a bad deal. Eventually Friend #1 went into severe financial debt spent all her retirement $$ supporting and bailing this guy out of his 3 DUI’s. I even saw him driving around using her rig - ya know - listen to your friends and your gut - I don’t see these friends any more for mega more reasons than these bad choices I’ve spoken of here. I never judged my friends, but I do look at the choices people make and evaluate the source.

Rqxwedkx June 24, 2009, 4:05 AM

FeLTgz comment2 ,

Roxy June 30, 2009, 1:41 PM

I have learned (the hard way) not to comment on my friend’s choices of partners- all it does is fester resentment. Honestly, no matter what you try to say, it will get chalked up to jealousy or bitchiness.

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