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I Am the Land of the Free -- Free of Children!

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While you're excited to be celebrating independence, guess what? I celebrate mine every day.


Childless Bitch: It's the big 4th of July weekend and you know what that means ... backyard barbecues, food, fun, and the big, banging, booming explosions of ... your children. Not at ALL what the founding fathers had in mind. While you're excited to be celebrating independence, guess what? I celebrate mine every day.

Thanks to some cruel twist of fate, you and I somehow ended up at the same cookout. You're excited to finally be surrounded by people your own age, and I'm excited to drink free alcohol. Here's how we can both make the most of our "holiday":

1. If you brought it, you feed it. Timmy's grubby, booger-caked fingers are sloshing around in the appetizers, and I think he just dropped a Lego in my layer dip. Am I the only responsible adult worried about food contamination? Step away from the table, kid.

2. The backyard is not your child's trash can. In this age of environmental consciousness, your kid is worse than global warming. If he opens one more can, takes one sip, then leaves it for you to fetch, I'm calling the EPA. Is he training for a job as a soda taster?

3. The dog understands not to come in the house when wet. What's wrong with your animal?

4. Despite its patriotic shape, your Jell-O Fruit Salad does not belong at the same table as my Barefoot Contessa Salad. There's a homeless shelter down the street accepting donations. I'm sure the hungry hobos would salute your flag.

5. By the looks of your $5 Old Navy American flag T-shirt, it's obvious you don't care when your kid spills a plate of beans on you. For those of us who still have our looks, please instruct your child on how to properly eat a watermelon, corn-on-the-cob, or all things without a straw. My suggestion? A trough.

6. Here's a fun game for all you moms out there! Try holding a grown-up conversation without including the words "band" and "camp." Whoever wins gets the Berry Bloom Citronella Candle you won't stop gabbing about.

7. Uh oh. Tubby's got his T-shirt on in the pool. Hey Mom, if he's not training for competitive eating, it's time to take away that fourth foot-long.

8. There's only one way to teach kids about fireworks safety -- learn by doing. The Pyro Pulverizer was just named the Phantom Fireworks Teacher of the Year. Kids can still function with eight fingers, and those missing digits are a great reminder of their own stupidity.

9. Your child is not at camp -- so guess what? You're the counselor! Put down that wine cooler, pull the arts and crafts Caboodle out of your Trader Joe's tote, and get to entertaining!

10. Just because your little Yankee Doodle has a life-threatening food allergy doesn't give you the right to insult the host and bring your own spread. The invite said one shareable dish, not the soy-based sh** you showed up with.

Just remember, Mommy Dearest ... these are not the words of a childless bitch -- these are the words of a patriot!

To the red, white, and blue!
-- CB

P.S. America, you certainly are the land of the brave. And I am the land of the free. Free of children.

next: My Husband Has Left for Afghanistan
10 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kelly July 4, 2009, 10:07 AM

Calling the homeless hungry hobos while you write about looking for free booze in a childless oasis is very distastful.
You are obviously another overly spoiled and pampered baby. Maybe instead of using your education (which was probably completely paid for by your parents) to degrade others, you should think about the fact that you have nothing else to do but observe and comment on others you consider less than you and their foibles.

texas mom July 4, 2009, 1:44 PM

hey, wait a minute. I’m a mom. But I can remember what it was like to be childless. what the woman says could be put better but she Is right. the moms And dads should be watching their kids and so on. and stop spoiling the kids rotten. they are our future. teach some manners and responsibility dang it!

cheriecalgary July 5, 2009, 8:55 AM

I love this article! While it was written ‘tongue-in-cheek’, it makes some valid points. Things change when you have children. Period. But as a childless person, you find yourself considered ‘less-than’ by those women with children. Please note that not all women want to, or can, have children. That does not make them any better, OR worse, than those that do. BUT, we do need to be respected as people as well.

ahrcanum July 5, 2009, 12:16 PM

We have kids but can relate to your post. So many kids are just plain rude but a lot of the time the rude parents are the halarious fun one’s to party with so we tolerate it for awhile- at least they all go home.

Jenny July 5, 2009, 2:09 PM

Some of the points are valid even if they could be put in a better way, CB goes for shock value so it is to be expected. The one part that personally got to me was about the allergy,insulting the host by bringing your own food. Sorry but sometimes it is necessary. My daughter and I both have Celiac Disease, we were at an all day affair and had to bring our own food or else go hungry (good luck keeping a child well behaved when she is beyond hungry) or we would damage our intestines and be ill for days. I can’t imagine our hostess being insulted, in fact she was appreciative that she didn’t have to cater to our dietary needs. I think CB makes great points but I think she tries to go too far for shock value and probably would have a lot more people on her side and seeing her points if she weren’t so busy intentionally insulting people.

J July 6, 2009, 9:27 AM

CB - YOU should have kids - just because you’d know how to raise ‘em right!! I’m serious, all moms should heed your advice, then maybe there would be some well behaved children.

I just can’t get enough CB

Lynn July 7, 2009, 9:04 PM

CB, this is harsh but hilarious! Especially the first point. Ugh, keep your kids fingers, snot, toys, etc. out of the food, please.

David July 15, 2009, 10:07 PM

CB rocks! I’ve said it before in other comments following CB’s blog entries: If you dislike her aggressive, transgressive, insult-comic humor, don’t read her blog. As long as CB doesn’t make jokes about AIDS, the Holocaust and child molestation, I’m lovin’ it! Parents, clean up those daggone T-shirts your kids are wearing…on 4th of July as well as on any public occasion!

PlumbLucky July 16, 2009, 10:44 AM

Most points are good, but I believe it would be ruder to request that the hostess deal with a food allergy than to pre-empt the issue. (That’d be point 10) Til you’ve witnessed full-on anaphylaxis, shut it.

Points 4 and 5 are just b!tchy. Glad you have time to be a domestic goddess and dress to the nines; I don’t, and I didn’t even before kids.

The others are great.

Mandy March 19, 2010, 12:47 AM

I actually do agree with most, except… If my child were to have a food allergy, yes I will be bringing a safe dish! End of story. You can snack on your barefoot contessa salad and all of the other things as long as my child can eat some food and not die. Period. One less portion for you WONT kill you, though my catering to your needs of having every dish meet your standards might kill my kid. :)

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