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The Grandchildless Bitch

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New mommies, I know how stubborn you can be. However, if you take this one piece of advice from me, I think you'll benefit in the future.

Grandchildless Bitch: Hello, mommies! I am the mother of the Childless Bitch. Yes, she does have parents and was not raised by a pack of wild wolves. I have two real daughters, and two not-so-real daughters and a not-so-real son -- i.e., stepchildren I inherited with my second marriage. One of my not-so-real daughters recently gave birth to a not-so-real grandson, whom I adore, but I still long for a bloodline of my own.

angry grandma with mom and child in background

That being said, I think I have earned the right as a mother, stepmother, and stepgrandmother to vent a little. So here's what fumes me about today's new mothers: In short, they think they know it all. In their eyes, our generation just got off the boat (and by boat, I mean the Mayflower) and we did things akin to Wilma Flintstone. Our advice is as outdated as the cassette tape. Have they forgotten who raised them and that they turned out (for the most part) totally OK -- with all their limbs intact?

When these new mommies were babies, we didn't have shopping cart covers, placemat covers, and covers for our covers. Our babies' heads fit through the bars of the crib, and yes, we stuck them in a 4 x 4 cage while we got something done in the house. So what? I don't see any 30-year-olds running around with rectangle-shaped heads or an abnormal fear of small square spaces -- after all, most of them work in a cube now anyway. When they were little, there was no five-second rule. In fact, there was no rule at all as long as you got to it before the dog. I don't recall taking my kids to the doctor for fear that they were exposed to hoof and mouth disease from running around the playground. We didn't isolate our babies in our homes until the law said we had to enter them in school for fear that they would catch some man-eating virus. In fact, our kids got most of their protein from eating worms and dirt. How much more organic can you get?

In closing, new mommies, I know how stubborn you can be. However, if you take this one piece of advice from me, I think you'll benefit in the future. When your kids are a little older and get to college, encourage them to major in psychology. With all the crazy rules you are establishing, and all the fear you are putting into their developing minds, their generation is going to be craving therapy like they crave Purell. It's going to be a booming business.

next: Disney: Straight and Narrow?
27 comments so far | Post a comment now
Barb July 8, 2009, 8:26 AM

Wow, I can’t imagine why your “fake” daughter won’t take your advice—you seem to know it all!

Anonymous July 8, 2009, 8:47 AM

I wonder if your fake kids and fake grandkids know you think of them that way.. that must be a nice feeling.

Gigi July 8, 2009, 8:59 AM

I am not surprised your “real” daughters haven’t yet had children. They could be fearing that the madness may have skipped a generation only to rear it’s ugly head through their children.

Jenny July 8, 2009, 11:18 AM

I’m sorry you feel the need to stereotype, may mothers today seek out the older generation for advice, myself included. Many of us realize we don’t know it all. Maybe women don’t call on you for gems of wisdom because rather than being lovingly guided by someone who has been in their shoes they are afraid that they will be ridiculed and snapped at.

Just Sayin' July 8, 2009, 12:06 PM

Amen GB! I agree with you.

stephanie July 8, 2009, 1:17 PM

Whatever. You guys know this woman is right. And shopping cart covers are dumb- If I see a mom using one, I point and laugh.

Jenny July 8, 2009, 1:28 PM


Yes shopping cart covers are dumb and there are a lot of neurotic mothers out there these days but for this lady to say that ALL mothers are like this is a tad bit ignorant. I’m sorry that your mother didn’t teach you that no matter your thoughts it is not polite to point let alone laugh at someone.

Kate July 8, 2009, 1:39 PM

Wow. Wow. I really don’t know what to say. I’m sure your grandmother thought the same thing, as did her grandmother and back. Children used to be married off at ten and having babies by 12. It didn’t kill anybody, except the thousands who died in childbirth. Why should they have changed that.

Let’s all crawl back into the 18th century and ignore the modern medical advances that have give us lower infant mortality rates, longer life expectancies and generally happier lives.

Jenny July 8, 2009, 2:43 PM


Your response was perfect! I wish I had said it that way!

Monica July 8, 2009, 8:59 PM

LOL, I love it and I agree. I’m a new mommy so to speak. I have a 2 1/2 year old. And while I know that some of these modern day baby items are there for protection like cribs without wide open bars and safety belts for high chairs and car seats. Some things like covers for the grocery basket and covers for your covers are just ridiculous. Kids are going to come in contact with germs. Thats just what they do. And when they get sick its a good thing because God created our bodies to handle germs. When they get sick there little immune system figures out how to attack it and then takes a mental note of it so that when they come in contact with that germ the next time around it knows exactly how to defeat it. If we prevent them from germs it doesn’t give their immune system the ability to utilize itself and become stronger. All this hold them, coddle them, don’t touch that, keep them in a bubble, don’t spank children, helicopter and no helicopter parenting is making me sick. Lets get back to the good old days where women put there children in play pins so that they could actually get some housework done. Back to actually disciplining your children and parents making the decision not the child about what is good or bad. Back to dirt, worm, sand, crayon eating playful children being themselves on the play ground without mom who hovers over me while I’m on the monkey bars because you think I might fall days.

MotherNature July 8, 2009, 9:41 PM

What? The shopping cart covers where there for my child’s protection from germs? And no one told me??? Damn, and here I thought I was using it so my kid could have a soft place to sit, much like the rest of us do. Being the crunchy Mother to three healthy, never sick, very intelligent kids I’ll add this. I agree. The paranoid, germaphobe mother of today is annoying as hell. Seriously. Put down the chemical crap you keep slathering on your kid and let them LIVE! The antiseptic and bug spray (heaven forbid you little sterile wonder get bit by something) SMELLS worse than a dirty diaper and all of that chemical exposure has to be harder on your child’s immune system than the occasional exposure to some wayward germ. We didn’t die from playing in the mud or catching a frog and neither will your kids.

Jenny July 8, 2009, 9:51 PM

You go Mother Nature!!

RachelAZ July 9, 2009, 3:47 AM

I agree for the most part, however shopping cart covers are not CRAZY! Today I left it in the car and while in the store I turned around to see my son sucking on the shopping cart…EWW! They never clean those damn things and you know the statistics about people washing their hands…so yes, I use a shopping cart cover because at least that way my son isn’t sucking on something that is probably covered in flu & feces!!! If you can prevent them getting sick, why wouldn’t you want to do that? (Within reason, of course)

Barb July 9, 2009, 10:23 AM

My two cents on shopping cart covers—I used one (sometimes) because I live in the South, and I park next to the cart corral so I can load it up with all my stuff as soon as I get out of the car (reusable bags, purse, coupons, diaper bag and my baby). Carts get HOT in the sun, so I’d put the cover on first, let the shade of it help cool the metal a little, then put my son in so he had a comfy place to sit that held toys.

I’m more on the side of NOT being too worried about germs, but to each their own. To point and laugh at someone for using something you don’t like? Disgusting! Nice example for your kids. If you don’t like it, don’t use it.

renandrj July 9, 2009, 3:56 PM

Shopping cart covers are not crazy. I live in Florida and the carts get very hot. plus I use it mainly for the straps that velcro my daughter in the seat. The straps that the carts have are broken half of the time so it’s just easier to use the cart cover straps. She’s almost one and definitely tries to stand up and get out of the cart if she is not strapped in.

Sheesh! July 10, 2009, 1:25 AM

I’m a new mom too, and guess what? We DO think we know it all. The old broad has a point, maybe not all the answers, but a point. Let’s not get so defensive, and let’s start trying to understand a different point of view but our own. You don’t have to agree with it - but do you see where she’s coming from? Aren’t there certain things she says that are true? We worry too much these days - taking all the fun out of it!

Goodness me! July 10, 2009, 2:23 PM

To Sheesh,

Since you are a new mom and your opinion is that we think we know it all then you must be right…after all, you know it all.

Sheesh! July 10, 2009, 9:30 PM

To Goodness me, Ruffle your little feathers, did I? Sorry to have an opinion, should have known if it doesn’t agree with you, it doesn’t count.

Goodness me July 11, 2009, 3:15 PM


If the thought helps you to sleep better at night then yes, oh yes, you did. lol.

Susan July 14, 2009, 4:28 PM

The world has learned a few things since today’s senior citizens were parents. So, forgive us while we put sunscreen on our children, refrain from drinking when we’re pregnant, smoking in front of our children, count to 10 instead of SPANKING, and use a car seat!

We all know you didn’t do it that way, and we now know you were WRONG. Congratulations.

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