I understand you want to take your little tikes to the beach -- I'd get sick of having them in the house, too. But could you not sit near me, please?!
Childless Bitch: It's summertime! The perfect time to work on my tan, get some much-needed rest from work -- hell, maybe even take a catnap on the beach. Oh, I just remembered. I tried to do that last weekend and your ill-mannered kids so rudely interrupted me with their screaming and kicking sand and throwing food, I couldn't catch a wink. I don't blame them -- I blame you. Next time you visit the beach, could you please follow these rules?
1. I picked my spot very carefully. Please, if you see a single woman sunbathing on the beach, do not set up your barn-sized tent right next to me.
2. Speaking of the tent, if you're going to bring one, why not just stay indoors? It took you two hours to set the thing up in the first place, and the kids don't even want to be inside of it anyway.
3. Okay, you are spending the day at the beach, so you don't need to bring food for an entire week. Your children will survive without the bottles of soda and supersize bags of Doritos. Maybe a small sandwich and some fruit would actually be healthier for them?! I'm by no means a parent, but just sayin'.
4. Why are you torturing your children by making them wear long T-shirts and wetsuits? Obviously the sun is harmful, but whatever happened to good ol' sunscreen? Like I said, maybe they should just stay inside and play video games or something.
5. When you scream at your child on the beach, EVERYONE can hear you. Quiet down your voice, pleaaaase!
6. When your kid runs past my spot to get his ice cream cone, please tell him not to run 6 inches from my head. There's something called sand on the beach -- and it has just flown into my $300 Gucci sunglasses.
7. Believe it or not, I like to cool off in the ocean just like you and your kids do. But do they have to yell EVERY time a wave comes? Tell them to relax -- it's just a wave, okay?
8. Your kid may be an all-star pitcher, but playing catch should be done AWAY from people. An accident is bound to happen, and let me tell you, you'll be sorry if it does.
9. You know those aluminum things called garbage cans? All of your empty bags and bottles are supposed to go inside of them. Having your kids pretend it's a basketball net and they can throw a ball like Kobe is hazardous to my health. First of all, I don't want to see all the crap you all have eaten, and I don't want to be hit in the head with an empty bottle of Dr. Pepper.
It'd be great if they had adult-only sections at the beach ... that would solve all of my problems. But in the meantime, the next time you go on your Family Fun Day, could you be considerate of me the same way I've tolerated you?
PS: Wearing your husband's T-shirt in the water does nothing to hide your "in desperate need of some exercise" body. Sorry ... you're better off wearing a bikini.