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You're Not Better Than Me!

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Open letter to the judgmental moms I've encountered within the last year.

You're Not Better Than Me!

Hailey's Mommy: Is it because you get to stay at home with your little one Monday through Friday while I alternate dropping mine off at daycare and at Grandma's? Or could it be that I broke some cardinal mom rule by not being able to take a full three- to six-month maternity leave in this recession, and now the bond with my daughter is severely damaged? Whatever the case may be, please keep your comments and sneers to yourself. I really don't care what you think of me.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that you get to stay at home and raise your child. Trust me, there is nothing I would like more than to spend every minute with my munchkin and not miss a moment in her life. But the reality is I'm a full-time working mom -- period. This is who I was before I became a mom, and this is still who I am now. I work my a** off, every day, so that I can give my daughter all the things I didn't have growing up -- all while building a solid foundation for her future. The choice to have her in daycare was not a last resort. Believe it or not, it was a first choice.

When my husband and I decided to grow our little family and transition from being longtime pet parents into real parents, we planned every detail we could think of. I cross-referenced things I had learned from taking Child Development courses back in college to all the new information I was getting via magazines, websites, friends, colleagues -- and even from producing children's programming. So trust me when I say my daughter is getting the best care that she can possibly get. Even more so, the bond she has with her grandparents is magical. And even though I can't be with her all the time, I'm the first person she sees in the morning and the last person she sees at night.

I don't give a damn what your insight on the matter is, nor do I care what you think I can learn from your parenting method. Really, who are you to validate me and tell me what the best thing I can do for my kid is? Teaching my daughter to be true to herself and to NEVER be judgmental is the best Iesson I can teach her. Let's hope you feel the same about what you pass on to your child.


next: You CAN Lower Your Rent!
19 comments so far | Post a comment now
dean July 31, 2009, 7:08 AM

Wow! You really seem to have your panties in a twist about this. I am sorry you feel this way, but lashing out and justifying yourself in an article? You spend the first and last paragraph lashing out at others and the two in the middle to justify your choice. ( Congrats on having a job in these times). If you really do not care what others think about this then why the angry letter trying to defend yourself? I find it funny how you claim “I don’t give a damn what your insight on the matter is”, but you post it here where people are most likely to give their insight.
Why not give us some specific instances where you were encountered so we can have a better understanding of where you are coming from?
So much could have come from this but it just seems like another “Mommy Wars” article to pick up the summer slack.

chris July 31, 2009, 8:20 AM

You sure are bitter! In truth I don’t believe that there is a “Mommy War” between working or stay at home or breast or bottlefeeding or natural vs drug birth. I think that women second guess their choices sometimes and that makes them feel guilty and then they feel like others are judging them for their choices. Only you know what is right for you and your family. But please remember that in the same breath that you ask someone not to judge you, you need to do the same and not judge others!

Jenny July 31, 2009, 8:27 AM

Hey, Im a stay at home mom and don’t give a damn what you do. Perhaps you are so offensive because you have your own issues. Nobody on here cares as much about your life, your kid and your job as you seem to think. Pet parent-grow up! As an actual child parent now you know the two don’t even compare.

are you ok? July 31, 2009, 8:55 AM

I hope you don’t pass your low self-esteem on to your daughter. I think anyone who has that much resentment built up over the past year should probably think about talking to a professional. I’m worried about your mental wellness.

MarMar July 31, 2009, 9:03 AM

I get what you’re saying. The Mommy Wars are real, I’ve been subjected to them (I’m glad commenter “chris” above has not.) Some people feel the need to be judgmental, and it’s silly - we’re all doing the best we can here, and that’s all that’s important. I think the previous commenters are missing the point - and I don’t judge them either. I don’t doubt that they are all great moms as well. :-)

Anonymous July 31, 2009, 10:43 AM

I have to agree with many of the above posters. This went from being simply, “It frustrates me when…” to a rather twisted tirade. There seems to be a lot of anger in this article and it’s clearly directed at stay-at-home moms.

Than again, it could just be MomLogic going out of their way to create conflict yet again.

Anonymous July 31, 2009, 12:53 PM

I too am a stay at home mom - I love the fact that I get to do this. I have never judged moms that have to work because I know that this is a necessity for a lot of people, my husband works two full time jobs so that I can stay home. When my working friends need someone to watch their child before or after school or have them watch them during the winter and spring breaks, guess who they call??? Me!!! Do I mind, no not at all because I understand their situation. Maybe you are letting your own guilt of not being home with your daughter get to you.

stephanie July 31, 2009, 5:13 PM

I have been very harshly judged by SAHMs, so much so that I lie and say that we “need the income”, just to get them to STFU. Anyone who says the mommy wars aren’t real- I’m happy for you, but you are delusional.

Anonymous July 31, 2009, 5:41 PM

What about the stay at home moms who are made to feel stupid for not working? Several people have made comments to me about, what am I going to do if I get divorced or my husband dies? Making it seem that by not working right now I am doing the worst thing possible for the “future” of my family. As with all things, it goes both ways.

ame i. July 31, 2009, 6:34 PM

I do understand some of her points, though.
I’m a SAHM & have felt a bit judged at times. Another SAHM mom walked up to my van once while in line to pick up my daughters from school, glanced at my book and said “Is that what you do during the day, read?” Um, usually just in pick-up line and after I put the kids to bed.
I’ve gotten the “Ah, so you don’t work” comment more than once. Actually, yes, I do work for hours on my home, lawn, errands & many other things b/c my husband drives 90 minutes twice a day to his job. I volunteer as a classroom assistant for our zoned pubic school (still have 1 daughter attending for 1 more year) b/c the school system doesn’t have the funds to hire assistants. There is only 1 lady in the copy room & no way she could stay caught up in a school of 700 kids without help.
My older daughter started attending a private school for 5th grade last year. I’m not lumping all private-school moms together b/c I am one now, but some of those women wear on my nerves. I’ve had some smirk when I leave school announcing I need to go to the grocery or do housework. Good for them that they have “help” and don’t have to do such things themselves. I really love the ones who totally ignore me when I speak.
I think we should all stop judging each other for any reason.

Natalie July 31, 2009, 7:47 PM

I’m sorry that working moms are feeling judged, but that’s not the fault of ALL stay at home moms. I’m a stay at home mom, and one of my best friends is a single, working mom of 2 girls with some pretty severe health issues. Would she like to stay home? Of course she would!! is she able to? No. And I don’t judge her for that. Every family has a different opinion of what’s best for their child, and they make it happen.

Wow. August 1, 2009, 12:43 AM

OVERKILL.

lily cuellar August 1, 2009, 1:15 AM

wow.im a stay at home mom.I have a 12yr old daughter and a 8yr old son.And I feel very blessed that i havent missed a moment of their life so far.I know the day is going to come when ill go back to work, and im looking foward to it.Itll be kind of like a new begining.I do worry about the future.But whats done is done.I have no regrets.Kids are not kids for long.they grow up so fast.I dont judge moms that work.sometimes i do wish that i worked but its never too late.Theres always tomarrow.

moms should unite August 1, 2009, 12:03 PM

I am a mom of a 14 yr old and a 9 yr old and I have never felt judged by my friends or family in the way I raise my kids. I worked full time until my youngest was 4 so I have been a SAHM for 5 years (which my husband loves…dinner always ready, house cleaned, laundry done etc…) I would never think to judge another mom about her choice and I wouldn’t want someone to judge me for mine. I think articles like this do nothing to help support moms and only work to pit moms against each others. DON’T FALL FOR IT!

Bradi Nathan August 1, 2009, 3:55 PM

Alright girls… settle down now. I’ve lived on both side of the “grass is only greener” cliche. And yes, there are many moms who truly believe that working makes them a better mother and wife. I totally get that. There’s is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel fulfilled both personally and professionally. I do also respect the mothers who have chosen to be stay at home moms, if given the luxury. There is something to be said for being there the moment your children get off the bus anxious to tell you about their day. What I will say is that it is most definitely a personal decision. It’d be boring if we (mothers) were all cut from the same mold.
Be who you are and embrace it. Truth be told, you don’t always have to choose to be one or the other. It is possible to find a career that offers the luxury of working and parenting… cliches aside.

Bradi
Co-Founder
MyWorkButterfly.com

Jamie August 3, 2009, 1:44 PM

I guess what I don’t get is how SAHM say they work all day - cleaning the house, cooking, taking care of the kids, as if it’s unique to them. So do moms who have to work outside the house. Not only are we working outside the home, but doing all in-the-home the things SAHM are doing on top of it, only to be judged. And as a poster said, if you think there aren’t any mommy wars - you’re delusional. If I had nickel for every time a SAHM told me that if I made some sacrifices I would be able to stay home I’d have enough money that neither me nor my husband would have to work!

Kate August 26, 2009, 11:47 PM

I am a SAHM, and have to say that this article seems a bit harsh to moms in general. We are all doing the best we can. I have a full-time mom friend, a pt mom friend, and then myself, who works a few hrs on the weekends to help out my family/expenses.

Being a SAHM is extremely difficult. I am home with my DS from 7 am to 6:00 p..m. every day. I can’t afford nice clothes, and home items that I could’ve easily have purchased when I was working full-time. Our family barely has a working vehicle, yet we are making this sacrifice right now. I get lots of comments, some even from a MOPS group of “Oh you are not working.” That bothers me as I work- I work every day, just like every mom does. We should just respect each other, as we are all doing our best and working hard as moms.

Rita January 12, 2010, 1:42 PM

I’m a SAHM and I’ve never had people tell me I can do better or something. I’ve actually been on both sides of the fence. When my oldest (who just turned 9) was between NB and about 4, I was a SAHM. I worked every once in a while but quickly learned the money I earned usually went to gas or something, so it wasn’t worth it at all. I seperated from my hubby in late 2005, got a full time job in April 2006, put DD in childcare (where I had help paying for it), got back together with hubby and got pregnant in July 2006, I worked until 2 weeks before my due date in April 2007 and I’ve been a SAHM ever since. Just this past April (2009), I started a very p/t job in the church nursery during church hours. It’s an easy job, I love it, not too many kids. I get to bring my son in with me, so he gets socialized, my DD goes to Sunday school and my hubby goes to church. It works out perfectly for everyone and it gives me a little bit of pocket money.

I would never give another mommy problems just because she chose a different lifestyle. More power to her, especially if she makes more then her hubby!!!

Ten Tees January 9, 2011, 2:08 PM

Interesting information! Enjoyable and fun reading. There’s a single opinion to make about shirts.


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