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A Different Kind of Threesome

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How, exactly, are we supposed to reestablish intimacy when the one thing it's not really going to be is intimate?

couple embracing in bed with shocked baby
Meredith Hoffa: A sex date is on the books. The day and time have officially been set.

Yep, it's as sexy as it sounds. After a several-week postpartum hiatus, I am about to make my grand reentrance into the world of what my Gramma likes to call "intimate relations." My Return to Romance Tour, if you will.

As depressing and lame as scheduled sex is, I have to admit it was pretty smart of my husband to make me commit to an actual appointment. This is because I pride myself on being an outrageously responsible person, and thus do not like to miss or even be late for appointments. Clearly he was aware that by holding me to an actual time slot, I'd be loathe to back out.

Really, he's been so super-humanly patient with me. I've been a little iffy -- to put it mildly -- about getting back into the world of whoopee, an iffiness I attribute at least in part to the insane fact that I JUST PUSHED A HUGE HUMAN BABY OUT OF ME. Plus, caring for an infant can make a person feel physically depleted. "Try having a baby draped over your engorged breasts!!" I once shrew-ily screeched at my husband when he attempted to make out with me. Poor guy. But maybe only women can truly and fully understand this feeling. When someone is sucking and clawing at your nipples all the livelong day, the idea of another body pressed against your body -- no matter how attracted you are to that body -- can make you want to shoot yourself in the knees.

But those issues aren't even the biggest ones for me. I'm even relatively nonplussed about the possibility that rogue jet streams of milk could squirt from my nipples during foreplay (nothing sexier!). Frankly, my way bigger distress is over the new DYNAMIC. I mean, our apartment is "space-challenged" and bebe sleeps in our room. So it's just hard for me to envision exactly how this is going to work moving forward. Like, is she going to watch us? With her little pervy eyes? Because this strikes me as possibly very creepy. What if I'm distracted by her presence forevermore and never fully enjoy sex again? I suppose the idea is that eventually I'll forget she's there. I guess? I kind of doubt it though. I have trouble enough having sex in front of my cat. And even if I manage to acclimate to the new threesome, who's to say the baby isn't going to be scarred by what she sees? After all, they say that as babies sleep, they download the experiences they've had during the day. I don't want her taking mental snapshots that, decades down the line, will emerge from within the depths of her repressed memory and make her profoundly disturbed and/or want to vomit.

This seems like a tricky business. How, exactly, are we supposed to reestablish intimacy when the one thing it's not really going to be is intimate?

I guess I've got plenty of time to ponder this. Meanwhile, the sex appointment stands. It is on the books and, thus, I will be there. On time. And I plan to bring a good attitude. Because it could be great. And let's face it: No matter what, it'll be refreshing to connect with my husband in a capacity that does not involve analyzing the texture of our baby's stools and/or shouting rhymes in high-pitched, singsongy squeals.

And, who knows, maybe we'll end up discovering that our little lady doesn't even want to watch. Maybe she'll think we're a total snoozefest in the sack. Like she just won't find us compelling enough to bother with. That is a distinct possibility I have yet to actually consider. And now that I think about it, I do hope that won't be the case. That could be kind of insulting.



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6 comments so far | Post a comment now
Concerned Stranger August 10, 2009, 9:55 AM

Why not just do it elsewhere in the apartment? Away from baby’s prying eyes…

ame i. August 10, 2009, 10:35 AM

Sex was the last thing on my mind after my daughters were born. A scheduled “date” is probably a good idea.
I had a c-section with my first, VBAC with my second. Oddly, despite the un-godly amount of stitches with the VBAC, sex was more painful after the birth of my first daughter.
Beware of the “milk squirts” though. No one filled me in on that fact.

Anonymous August 10, 2009, 12:42 PM

There’s nothing wrong with doing it with the baby in the room. Shoot, me and my DH do it with the baby in the bed. She sleeps right through it !
It’s not like they will remember it lol.

ANON August 11, 2009, 2:24 PM

What are you thinking? just go ahead an d have some fun. The playmates have a lot to catch up on.

Pencil September 4, 2009, 4:46 AM

I love threesomes!! (:

MaNiC MoMMy October 19, 2009, 9:11 PM

A “several week postpartum hiatus” … like are you talking only 3 weeks there? Because if you are, that’s INSANE! And if you’re into it that early, then man, your hubby better NEVER leave you! : )


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